How to help someone.

BitterAndTwisted

It's a family member so I'd just be completely blunt and tell them they're living in a pig-stye if that's what it is. The lack of furniture can be addressed quite easily. You could pick up a kitchen or dining-table and chairs very cheaply but maybe they don't have any transport to collect them? Ditto a second-hand sofa or two.

To be honest, I'd be wanting to see the upstairs. People sometimes have half-decent conditions in the rooms people from outside visit but the upstairs could be a totally different story. I've come across this more than once.

richardvc

VfM4meplse wrote: »

How would you help adults seemingly bereft of sense and hygiene? After all, they've got plenty of time and it would seem, money.

As you put it, 'it would seem', NOT proven.

The OP asked for advice on how to help them not whether or not they should get benefits.

And to answer your question, I don't know how to help them best but I do know that questioning their rights to benefits will make no difference.

3v3

My first thought is, have they always lived like this (therefore, it is their standard) or, is this an observed decline in their living standards?

If it is the former, I would say they are not looking for any "help" as this is their chosen lifestyle standard.
If it is the latter, then I would be wondering if the demands of young children, one disabled plus both being out of work has resulted in them getting into a rut or, if one or other is suffering depression?

You would need to know which is which before anyone could possibly offer pertinent advice.

Lotus-eater

make_me_wise wrote: »

Is the house dirty and unhygienic or just a total mess? The children run the risk of infections etc especially if their diet is poor and they live off takeaways all the time.

There is an important distinction here.

My house is normally untidy, the kids throw everything everywhere and every time I clear it up, it goes straight back out.
And I'm not that good at dusting, but the kitchen is relatively clean, the house doesn't smell (which I've always found the biggest giveaway) and we have a decent diet.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Perhaps you could delicately bring up the subject of a major clean?

For example, perhaps the place has got on top of them and they dream of having a lovely home, maybe mention the low cost of a skip hire firm or someone you know of has a cleaning business and they're offering a spring clean offer, all they'd have to do is clear the place.


You might upset them, they might be like my mother who insists she likes the place in a state (and seems to be under the impression that my house is exactly the same - no it flaming well isn't :mad: - especially seeing as she complained it was too bare and I needed to dump some !!!! on the landing and stairs and bathrooms :eek:) - but they might be desperate for someone outside to help but don't know how to ask.


!!!!!!!! to the sniping about benefits. I reckon they'd give them up in a snip if it meant their disabled child could be healthy again.

But it does mean that perhaps they would be able to afford the cleaner, especially as cooking a couple of meals at home in a clean kitchen would probably save them quite a lot of money. It might even do all the children good to be able to play without knocking things over, giving them lots of room to play and some for the parents to relax/rest of an evening.

RichGold

richardvc wrote: »

To all of you pointing out how much benefits they do or don't receive, the OP posted to see how / if he could or should help his relations.

Whilst their way of life maybe totally opposed to our standards this was a post about someone knowing if and when to intervene for the better and not the usual judgemental post about benefit claimants.

You're missing the underlying point, which in my opinion (and many others) is the root cause of these problems. By help do you mean advise them? Or physically go round and clean up after the slobs? I'd be surprised if either made a difference long term.

If you pay people to do nothing, it seems they will gladly do nothing.

richardvc

RichGold wrote: »

You're missing the underlying point, which in my opinion (and many others) is the root cause of these problems. By help do you mean advise them? Or physically go round and clean up after the slobs? I'd be surprised if either made a difference long term.

If you pay people to do nothing, it seems they will gladly do nothing.

No I am not missing the underlying point.

The underlying point is from the OP who is asking everyone's help in how to deal with this situation and NOT why they are in this predicament.

Some of the advice given is excellent but some is nothing to do with the original question that was asked.

carolpinkdreamer

You could easily be describing my sister-in-law's house. It is filthy and messy and full of cr*p! Dirty nappies are left on the floor, toys, dirty plates and clothes are piled up in every room. It smells. My Mother-in-law has cleaned it from top to bottom and thrown out junk, several times but it always ends up in the same state. Sister-in-law's kids have told her they are too ashamed to bring friends home but it still won't get her to clean up. Some people are lazy and dirty and cannot be helped.

merlin68

I wanted to help clear up, as there doesn't seem to be anywhere to sit and relax and the kids are just playing amongst piles of junk. she's also talking about having no 6. I don't think she can use the kitchen to be fair, there's no where you could prepare meals. It's all full of rubbish and washing. what do they do all day, as I couldn't see the sofa or tv. Under it all.

carolpinkdreamer

merlin68 wrote: »

I wanted to help clear upQUOTE]
I can almost guarantee that you would clean and tidy it all and it would be back to same state within months. My sis-in-law seemed pleased when her home was cleaned for her and promised to keep it clean but she didn't. Her Mom has thoroughly cleaned it about 5 times and has refused to do it anymore.