How to help someone.

mwa

I was brought up in similar surroundings and my younger siblings continue to live in it, but I turned out OK. Like otehrs have said, unless there appears to be a welfare issue then just leave it. The way my parents' house was, they appeared to think it was normal and even when people stepped in and it got cleared, then just let it get that way again.

Oldernotwiser

thunderbird wrote: »

If they have takeaways every day for 7 people then they must have a fair amount of money!
.

Even without any disability benefits for the child, the family will receive around £445 net per week, after full housing costs are paid. You can buy a fair number of takeaways for that!

clearingout

I am a very untidy person and can live in a pit of a home sometimes - it's particularly bad at the moment as the children have been at home for 2 weeks and this is the first chance I've had to have a good go at the mess! I have plenty of time to clean up - I choose to spend my time doing other things. Don't get me wrong, I'm just untidy and can live with a layer of dust, the washing up is done at least twice a day and I consider we are hygienic. But compared with some people I know, my home is a hole and they wouldn't want to set foot in it on some days!

I guess what I'm saying is we all have different standards. In the midst of my divorce when my 'couldn't give a flying pig about the state of the house' was at it's peak, I welcomed a good friend in and asked her to excuse the mess. She took a good look around and said 'well, yes, it is untidy, even by your standards...but I'm not worried 'cos you know it's a mess. I would have been very, very worried if I'd walked in here and you hadn't said anything'. I think that sums it up very well. Do they know it's a mess? Cos if you know it's a mess, sooner or later you do something about it. When you don't know, then it becomes a problem...

podperson

I agree that it's unlikely they will want any help. A friend of mine is quite similar - her and her OH both don't work so at home all day but the living room and back room are always a complete tip, you have to literally clear yourself a space to sit down. But then her kids are well fed, the older ones are well presented when they go to school, they are happy, sociable children and the ones at school are doing well. So taking that into account it's none of my business if her house is messy. If I thought the children might be suffering in some way that I guess that would be different.

elantan

i know it must be hard for you to think this way ... but i dont think you can really help them.... say you do help them get the house tidy ... how long will it be till it goes back the way it was? they obviously dont see it as a problem so dont see anything that needs fixing ...

in the line of work i do i have came across many people that live lives in the same way you describe, unless they acknowledge , accept and want to change their situation then i'm afraid that your just gonna be banging your head off of a brick wall

make_me_wise

merlin68 wrote: »

I went round a relatives the other day and the house was disgusting. they have 5 kids and 2 dogs. The garden was full of dog poo. The house was so bad the kids were all on the floor nowhere to eat anything or sit down. There was just carp everywhere.
They seem to eat takeaway every night.
What's the best way to offer help without her getting wound up.

Urghhhhh the thought of the state of the garden makes me feel a bit sick. Assuming one of the adults must have been at home over the xmas holidays with the kids, there is no reason for dog poo just to be left. I suppose the smell would be less at this time of year than in the summer but even so.

Is the house dirty and unhygienic or just a total mess? The children run the risk of infections etc especially if their diet is poor and they live off takeaways all the time. As a concerned relative I would say it as you see it and keep in mind what is important, the childrens welfare.

If this family member isn't careful the childrens' living conditions may be noticed and reported by a neighbour and she could be dealing with people far more difficult than a concerned relative.

RichGold

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Even without any disability benefits for the child, the family will receive around £445 net per week, after full housing costs are paid. You can buy a fair number of takeaways for that!

Like I've said before, benefits should be capped at 2 children. They'd soon stop having them if they thought they'd have to pay for the 3rd, 4th and 5th child out of the same money they get for 2 kids.

I have to work bloody hard to earn my money, early starts, late nights etc, and it makes me sick to think of f3ckless parents with 5 children living in a cesspool of their own making while I'm paying for it.

richardvc

To all of you pointing out how much benefits they do or don't receive, the OP posted to see how / if he could or should help his relations.

Whilst their way of life maybe totally opposed to our standards this was a post about someone knowing if and when to intervene for the better and not the usual judgemental post about benefit claimants.

VfM4meplse

richardvc wrote: »

To all of you pointing out how much benefits they do or don't receive, the OP posted to see how / if he could or should help his relations.

Whilst their way of life maybe totally opposed to our standards this was a post about someone knowing if and when to intervene for the better and not the usual judgemental post about benefit claimants.

How would you help adults seemingly bereft of sense and hygiene? After all, they've got plenty of time and it would seem, money.

tea_lover

Maybe start by asking if they want any help, and let their response dictate the rest of the conversation.

Obviously there are people who genuinely don't see a mess where others do, and are perfectly happy with the way they are living. But there are also others that do see a mess, that would love things to change but feel overwhelmed by it all and don't know where to start.

All you can really do is ascertain whether they see the way they are living as a problem, and whether they'd accept any help to sort things out. Unless of course you have concerns about the welfare or safety of the children, and then it's a different issue altogether.