New mum....failing :(

Mupette

How are both of you doing today, was thinking about you and hoping you had some good sleep.

Hope all is well.

Always_Alone

Thank you everyone for your constructive comments. I appreciate each and every one of them

I really don't want this turning into a 'breast is best' thread, i am well aware of this and is the reason i have struggled so much with the fact that i have been unable to breastfeed. As well as the feeling of inadequecies for not being able to provide my child with the most basic of things, i am also aware that he is not being given the immunities etc that breast milk provides.

From what i had read and researched, it almost comes across that as soon as baby is born, he will know what to do, my body will know what to do and breastfeeding is as natural a reflex as breathing, i have found out the hard way that this isn't the case with everyone

As for those who think that breastfeeding is 'easy' it may well be for some but for me that's not the case. The 3 weeks since he has been born have been the most difficult i have ever experienced in terms of dealing with a prem baby and all the complications that go with it, the emotions, the lack of sleep and the feeding issue. I can't stress enough how much i'd like to be one of those that found breastfeeding easy but sadly that's not been the case and it has made a stressful time even worse for me (and my partner who has had to watch me go through it).

A couple of people have mentioned nipples shields; i have tried using these but again baby does not have the strength to stimulate the breast long enough in order to get to the milk and then continue sucking to get the amount he requires. Even using these, baby was so desperate for food he was latching on incorrectly and leaving me in agony while he fed. However, i allowed him to continue feeding as i thought that i could put up with the pain as long as he was getting my milk. It honestly felt like i was being attacked by razor blades though.

I am slowly (very slowly) coming to terms with the fact that formula is what my baby needs at the moment and this has been reinforced by the fact that he has put on weight twice in the 3 days he has been switched to formula as opposed to losing a (significant) amount of weight when i tried to breastfeed him. I have reluctantly realised that i physically cannot produce the amount of milk he is taking in formula at the moment and the amount he needs is likely to keep increasing coupled with the fact that he woke every hour and half last night wanting to feed.

Although i am realising that formula is best for him at the moment, the overwhelming feeling of guilt is still there everytime i am giving him a bottle.

Also, just to add that the midwives, HV's, medical staff i have come into contact with have been amazing!! Not one has put any pressure on regarding breatfeeding, they have supported my decision to breastfeed and bottle feed and given me the help, support and advise i have need on either. I cannot speak highly enough of them. The pressure to breastfeed is something that has come entirely from me and i suppose the fact that i took for granted that such a natural process would come easy to me and baby.

jha

as mentioned in this thread i couldnt breastfeed.

you are doing a great job i know you dont feel like it at the mo but you are.

how is the bottle feeding going? have you been on to netmums - i found it really helpful.

I run a mums suppot group with a hv and advice i fund useful was

2 hrly bottle feeds during the day and baby slept better overnight

get hubby to do the 10pm feed and you go to bed after the 6pm feed so you can sleep 6-2 (hopefully)

go to sleep really early as often as you can and always sleep when your baby sleeps.

thatgirlsam

Always_Alone wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your constructive comments. I appreciate each and every one of them

I really don't want this turning into a 'breast is best' thread, i am well aware of this and is the reason i have struggled so much with the fact that i have been unable to breastfeed. As well as the feeling of inadequecies for not being able to provide my child with the most basic of things, i am also aware that he is not being given the immunities etc that breast milk provides.

From what i had read and researched, it almost comes across that as soon as baby is born, he will know what to do, my body will know what to do and breastfeeding is as natural a reflex as breathing, i have found out the hard way that this isn't the case with everyone

As for those who think that breastfeeding is 'easy' it may well be for some but for me that's not the case. The 3 weeks since he has been born have been the most difficult i have ever experienced in terms of dealing with a prem baby and all the complications that go with it, the emotions, the lack of sleep and the feeding issue. I can't stress enough how much i'd like to be one of those that found breastfeeding easy but sadly that's not been the case and it has made a stressful time even worse for me (and my partner who has had to watch me go through it).

A couple of people have mentioned nipples shields; i have tried using these but again baby does not have the strength to stimulate the breast long enough in order to get to the milk and then continue sucking to get the amount he requires. Even using these, baby was so desperate for food he was latching on incorrectly and leaving me in agony while he fed. However, i allowed him to continue feeding as i thought that i could put up with the pain as long as he was getting my milk. It honestly felt like i was being attacked by razor blades though.

I am slowly (very slowly) coming to terms with the fact that formula is what my baby needs at the moment and this has been reinforced by the fact that he has put on weight twice in the 3 days he has been switched to formula as opposed to losing a (significant) amount of weight when i tried to breastfeed him. I have reluctantly realised that i physically cannot produce the amount of milk he is taking in formula at the moment and the amount he needs is likely to keep increasing coupled with the fact that he woke every hour and half last night wanting to feed.

Although i am realising that formula is best for him at the moment, the overwhelming feeling of guilt is still there everytime i am giving him a bottle.

Also, just to add that the midwives, HV's, medical staff i have come into contact with have been amazing!! Not one has put any pressure on regarding breatfeeding, they have supported my decision to breastfeed and bottle feed and given me the help, support and advise i have need on either. I cannot speak highly enough of them. The pressure to breastfeed is something that has come entirely from me and i suppose the fact that i took for granted that such a natural process would come easy to me and baby.

Hi always alone

Glad to hear that baby is doing well and you are making peace with your decisions.. its really hard being a new mum and we all set ourselves goals and want to acheive so much in terms of raising our children

Lets face it, we all WANT to be the perfect mother don't we... its just that no-one can be and by trying to be perfect mum we set ourselves up for 'failure' from the beginning because, honestly, its unacheiveable

But, you sound like you are going to be a brilliant mum! You obviously really do care so much and that is what is going to make you the 'perfect' mum for your baby.. he is one lucky lad!

I am also really glad that you have received good support from health professionals.. that is what every new mum deserves

I bet your babe is gorgeous!

Look after yourself though as the best thing you can do for him is to look after yourself really well, physically and emotionally

meritaten

Always alone - please dont beat yourself up about this anymore!
You tried hard and with the best will in the world your baby was too prem perhaps to feed properly from you! Despite that, you have given him such a valuable start in life - by persevering THIS long!
From now on hun, it doesnt matter how you get the nutrition into him (the delivery method isnt really as important as his being fed and thriving) just know that you did your best against ALL ODDS!
I think you have done brilliantly - and .............all any mother wants is for her baby to thrive! Thats the important thing here - not a debate on BF V Bottle!

JulieGeorgiana

I just started reading this thread, I am so glad you are coming to terms with not breastfeeding.

When my DS was 3 weeks old I dislocated my knee and the stress from that caused my breast milk to dry up and my DS was so hungry and I cried all the time because he had to go onto formula and I felt like I wasn't a good mother. They said I was to just keep trying and my milk might return, but the pain from my knee and being in a full leg cast meant I wasn't sleeping either. Eventually like you I came to terms with the fact that my baby NEEDED the formula. And I needed painkillers (which meant I had to stop trying to feed).

And my DS is now nearly 10! He is strong and thriving. My decision to let my baby have what he needed was the best thing I ever did.

Your decision will benefit your baby, because you are doing what is best for him.

I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world, and I hope your son continues to gain weight and be strong.

sooty&sweep

Hi

Just wanted to say all the best and for what its worth I think you've made the right decision.

Much the same as you I tried to breast feed both my two. Both were emergency sections after 30 hour labours. They were both 9lb babies and I'm only 5'2". I didn't dilate properly with either and they both became distressed hence the c sections.
My first developed an infection at two days old, he was tested for meningitus and spent 3 days in SCBU. His first feeds were via tube down his nose. I tried to establish breast feeding but it never worked out. They got him onto the bottle. They wouldn't discharge him if he hadn't established feeding and I was told that if I was going to try and move him to breast they couldn't discharge until that was established. So I stayed with the bottle because I wanted to take my baby home.

I felt guilty after my first that a) I'd had an emergency section as I felt that I hadn't walked around enough to encourage the baby to drop and me to dilate. b) I didn't try harder to establish breast feeding.

With my second I pushed to try for a normal delivery which they agreed to but I was booked in for a c section very shortly after my due date. I went into labour and I paced the floors at home and in the delivery suite (They had heated floors which was great !) I still ended up with an emergency c section. This time I did manage to establish breast feeding but I was feeding constantly because my hind milk didn't come through and my baby was losing too much weight rather than gaining it. I still remember how hard that decision was mainly because I was SO exhausted plus just had a baby by c section and how guilty I felt.

With hindsight I regret not achieving a normal delivery and for not breast feeding longer but I don't regret the decisions I made because I knew I'd tried and for me they were the right decisions.

My son is nearly 11 years old and is in his final year at primary school. He has had less than two weeks off through his entire time at school and on a number of years has achieved 100% attendance so I don't think theres much wrong with his immune system !

Get some rest so you can start to enjoy your baby. That is the most important thing. The world will seem a much better place when you've had some decent sleep.

Jen

HRV

first of all big hugs op

my twins were born 8 weeks early in june- at this gestation they have no suck relex and have to be tube fed- however they like you to express. i too suffered enormous guilt but i coulnt produce a drop especially when they needed me so much :-( you will start to feel better about it with time. your baby will thrive (im convinced my boys got out of special care quicker coz they werent being bf) they are now 6 months and weigh 17lb3 (3lb4born) and 15lb15 (3lb2 born)

now you r using formula it is the perfect opportunity to get ur strength back. ours fed 3 hourly- once oh was back at work i did 2 night feed n he did 1. even if he can do the 10 oclock so u can go to bed early n u do the rest. also sleep when the baby sleeps (easier with one- my boys dont sleep at the same time :-(It wont last forever- soon ur little one will sleep a bit longer n not need feeding at night (they still wake me few times to be resettled but only takes a few mmins) mine sleep from 7pm-5am(they have milk then sleep another couple of hours)

there is light at the end of the tunnel - they'll be weaning b4 u know it and most people who were bf will have stopped. in the long run it really wont matter xxx

AlternateMe

Hi there, oh your thread was hard to read! I just wanted to reach into my laptop and give you a hug.

Yes as you've said, breast is best, but it's not the be all end all. The ultimate rule for all mothers I truly believe is HAPPY MAMA HAPPY BABY. Babies need food, warmth and shelter, and that's what you're providing. My son was 3 weeks early and tiny- he just couldn't latch, his mouth was so small- I was so determined not to 'fail' him I battled on and his weight dropped to 5lb and he was severely jaundiced before I caved and gave formula. I carried on through thrush and then mastitis before I admitted defeat at 8 weeks. And you know what... the world didn't end. I was so suprised! In fact I was a thousand times happier, breastfeeding totally ruined my babymoon.

The horrid truth is... us mums always feel guilty. ALWAYS. It is never ending. This is just the first. You never feel good enough. You can only do your very best. I hope you don't feel so alone, and know that you're not.

AlternateMe

Oh and as others have said, look on the bright side: ff babies are easier to get into a routine, feed less often and are more likely to sttn... I am VERY pro-bf'ing but those things are just simply true.