Friend`s g/f is very shy

LudaMusser

I have a good friend who`s an absolute diamond, he lives about 30 miles from me and I`ve known him for about eight years. What`s the problem?
He met a girl about 18 months ago and she has problems with meeting new people. My wife and I have never met her. They were meant to come to our wedding but at the last minute only my friend came, he said his g/f got too stressed about coming and meeting new people.
I don`t want to loose my mate as a friend, he used to live alot closer but moved 30 miles away because of work. My wife and I have suggested him and his g/f coming over to our`s for a meal etc. before but it never happens. The last time I saw him he said we`ll have to come over to his but again this never happened. Any suggestions on how to actually get to meet him and his mrs? I`m not the sort of person to hassle him and make a forced visit on him, that`s not right. My mrs and his mrs occassionally talk on facebook but I think she has quite a phobia of meeting new people, my friend says that she is really shy

Thanks

victory

You have to give the girl time, if she is shy then you could meet on mutual ground for a specific time so that she knows when it is, how long it will take, her exit routes as it were because the more she thinks/worries/stresses about the visit the more she will say no she cannot do it does not want to do it and will back out each time.

If the meet is definete in the near future at a said time for a said amount of time that will ease her into it more....

sweetilemon

Does she definately exist? Not being funny, but could your friend have made her up? If not i would just make sure she knows shes welcome on invites and include her name on xmas cards etc. Goodluck.

runningwoman

Maybe I'm missing something here, but is there a reason why you HAVE to meet her? As far as I can read, your friendship isn't suffering.

Maybe she just doesn't want to meet you, which is fair play really.

I have no problem with meeting new people myself, but I generally am not that interested in engaging with the friends/colleagues/families of whoever I'm involved with.

Nothing personal - I just don't like feeling under scrutiny (eg meeting the bloody mother-in-law or work colleagues means I have to not swear and be nice and impressive, feels too much like hard work), I like to keep my own odd little social circle, and I think its nice for anyone I'm with to have the same.

persa

LudaMusser wrote: »

I don`t want to loose my mate as a friend. [...] Any suggestions on how to actually get to meet him and his mrs?

Have a chat with your friend and make clear that whilst you would love to spend time with him and his girlfriend, you understand that she finds meeting new people a bit daunting and that it may not be possible for a while. However, in the meantime, you're happy to spend some quality guy time together, leaving both the significant others at home. Whilst the girl might not want to meet you just yet, she probably won't stop her OH from seeing you, so issue invites that she can decline, rather than invites they have to turn down jointly.

Do not make a big deal out of 'meeting' your mate's missus - ask your mate if maybe you could meet him in town after he had been shopping with her (or similar), so you could spend a few minutes chatting with her, but nothing more. If you suggest a double date as your first encounter, it's going to sound very scary - not only is going out with another couple no fun if you're shy, it's worse if the other three all know each other well and you end up being the fourth wheel.

Once you've bumped into her a few times, you might be able to suggest grabbing a coffee with your mate and his girlfriend (ask your mate in advance whether he thinks this is a good idea or pushing it) and then, when she's comfortable with you, going out as a foursome will seem less intimidating.

scheming_gypsy

There's a few different possibilities:

1 - he's telling the truth and she's shy. But if she was that shy, how did he manage to pull her?
2 - he's a gayer and she is really a hairdresser called Quentin
3 - he's made her up
4 - she's far from shy and just doesn't want to meet any of his friends.

I'd say it's any of 2,3 or 4 as it seems too strange that somebody is that shy she won't meet anybody.

shelle2

I'd say it's any of 2,3 or 4 as it seems too strange that somebody is that shy she won't meet anybody.

or she may have social phobia and be worried she might meet someone as understanding as you!

Lotus-eater

It doesn't sound like shyness, it sounds like social phobia.

This is really difficult. Continue to be friends with your mate and try to get an invite to their house for yourselves, it might not work, but if it does, she may unwind enough to come to your house.

scheming_gypsy

shelle2 wrote: »

or she may have social phobia and be worried she might meet someone as understanding as you!

I'm very understanding, but 18 months of not meeting them says a lot. She's met the friend and gone out on dates etc etc but can't meet the OP and his missus. To me, that sounds slightly suspicious.

barbiedoll

If your mate's girlfriend really is that shy, then there's still no reason why you and he can't meet up. If she doesn't want to meet your wife, then you can't make her, sometimes these ideas of double dates and cosy foursomes just don't work if one party won't play ball. If she has anxiety issues, she would probably be hard work anyway, imagine you all going out for a night and not being able to go into a crowded pub or nightclub because she can't handle it, it would just be a waste of a night.

Hopefully, she really is just shy and not one of those jealous types who doesn't want her boyfriend keeping his old friends that he knew before he met her. My brother had a girlfriend like that, he made excuses for her being "shy" as a reason for never meeting my mum or me and my sister. She was quite happy to hang out with her mates though but she wouldn't meet any of his. She would cry and have "panic attacks" if he went out without her, after 6 months, he'd had enough and dumped her, to the great relief of his friends

Don't drift away from your friend because his girlfriend won't come out to play, you can still have a relationship with him, regardless of her issues. There isn't much else you can do, although if she is speaking to your wife on Facebook, maybe they can arrange to meet up? It may be a bit less pressure for her and could lead to you all getting together one day. Hope it works out for you all!

ScarletRaven

Doesn't sound suspicious at all. My sister in law has social phobia paired with ocd, the ocd makes the social phobia worse at times. She has a fiance, and she's very comfortable around him, but meeting new people literally makes her panic. Even seeing some of her more distant family members or big social gatherings with people she knows quite well make her shy away on really bad days, and she'll just not go or will go but will leave shortly after. This sounds like a similar sort of thing.