Friend`s g/f is very shy

DVardysShadow

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

There's a few different possibilities:

1 - he's telling the truth and she's shy. But if she was that shy, how did he manage to pull her?
2 - he's a gayer and she is really a hairdresser called Quentin
3 - he's made her up
4 - she's far from shy and just doesn't want to meet any of his friends.

I'd say it's any of 2,3 or 4 as it seems too strange that somebody is that shy she won't meet anybody.

shelle2 wrote: »

or she may have social phobia and be worried she might meet someone as understanding as you!

I don't think it has very much to do with how understanding SG is. If you recognise the possibilities - or indeed if any of 2, 3 or 4 turn out to be the case, they are all issues which can be handled sensitively and with understanding. The more so for knowing that they are or may be the case.

There_Goes_Trouble

It sounds like the poor lady has got real issues with meeting new people. That's between her and the bf to sort out, not the OP and his girlfriend.

Keep in touch with the friend, invite them both to visit or meet somewhere on a regular basis but make it easy for them e.g

"How about meeting for coffee on Saturday morning? We'd love 'X' to come too but won't be offended if she'd rather not."

That way they can work together on her social discomfort in their own time knowing that you're being supportive without pressuring her to come. When she does eventually meet you, avoid all comments like 'nice to meet you at last' as that'll make her feel bad that it's taken so long. Just 'lovely to meet you' and then carry on as normal with no more reference to it, otherwise she'll feel like she's under the spotlight and needs to explain herself, which is probably what she's dreading in the first place! Also be careful to include her in conversation but try not to direct things specifically to her, again she'll feel under the spotlight.

Maybe even suggest a trip to the cinema as a first meeting as there's no pressure to make conversation due to the film! All she's got to cope with then is hello and goodbye!

It can be a real issue for a lot of people, as the friend of her boyfriend your job is to support them, not try and solve the problem.

pearl123

This shy girls relationship is with her boyfriend. It has nothing to do with you. She obviously has social contact issues and she should not be pushed to do something she'd feel uncomfortable with. She basicly does not need to see you nor you her. Her relationship is not with you. Let the couple get on by themselves and if they want to meet you some time they will.

You need to put yourself in the shy persons shoes? Why should she be pushed into and uncomfortable situation, which is probably how she sees it. Just for your curiousity. Let them be!
All this might sound very harsh but some shy people just can't cope with meeting new people. Sometimes meeting people you already know - can be a nightmare to a shy person! Really shyness can be very profound.
The cinema idea is however a very good idea!

CrazyRatLady_2

If and when you eventually meet her, don't think she doesn't like you just because she's a bit quiet!

When my boyfriend and I got together in 2008 his best friend and his girlfriend really wanted to meet me, I was happy to meet them but I am shy so I was fairly quiet and let my boyfriend do most of the talking, I was being polite though. We actually went on a camping holiday together for a few days, but I had terribly sore eyes and had to spend most of the time lying inside the tent as the barest bit of wind made my eyes burn (when I got back home I went to the doctors - turned out I'd developed dermatitis around the eyes) so I can maybe see how that might have come across as me being antisocial and making up an excuse.

Some time later she mentioned to my boyfriend that she knows I don't like them! So he told her that's not the case, I'm just shy, but she didn't believe him. So I invited the two of them to my birthday party to try and show them I did like them and they ignored the invitation.

Anyway the last time they came to visit I made a real effort to be chatty even though it's not in my nature to be like that. When they left my boyfriend even commented that he thought I'd been really outgoing that evening. Fast forward 2 months and following some problems with another mutual friend (who at the time was our lodger but we had to ask her to leave when she hadn't paid rent for 2 and a half months) this girl messaged my boyfriend saying I was a horrible bully and calling me all names under the sun! He got a bit angry and defended me (verbally), her boyfriend (my boyfriends best friend) asked my boyfriend to apologise for swearing at her and telling her to get her facts straight, he refused and they haven't talked since then! I was upset about the whole thing, I didn't do anything wrong and it seemed from the outset that she was determined to believe I didn't like them for whatever reason.

What still upsets me to this day though (this was almost 2 years ago) is that my boyfriend has lost his best friend over all this, and although I didn't do anything wrong, it's still essentially because of me that they're no longer friends. What I'm trying to say is don't let this ruin your friendship, whether you meet the other half or not!

runningwoman

CrazyRatLady wrote: »

If and when you eventually meet her, don't think she doesn't like you just because she's a bit quiet!

When my boyfriend and I got together in 2008 his best friend and his girlfriend really wanted to meet me, I was happy to meet them but I am shy so I was fairly quiet and let my boyfriend do most of the talking, I was being polite though. We actually went on a camping holiday together for a few days, but I had terribly sore eyes and had to spend most of the time lying inside the tent as the barest bit of wind made my eyes burn (when I got back home I went to the doctors - turned out I'd developed dermatitis around the eyes) so I can maybe see how that might have come across as me being antisocial and making up an excuse.

Some time later she mentioned to my boyfriend that she knows I don't like them! So he told her that's not the case, I'm just shy, but she didn't believe him. So I invited the two of them to my birthday party to try and show them I did like them and they ignored the invitation.

Anyway the last time they came to visit I made a real effort to be chatty even though it's not in my nature to be like that. When they left my boyfriend even commented that he thought I'd been really outgoing that evening. Fast forward 2 months and following some problems with another mutual friend (who at the time was our lodger but we had to ask her to leave when she hadn't paid rent for 2 and a half months) this girl messaged my boyfriend saying I was a horrible bully and calling me all names under the sun! He got a bit angry and defended me (verbally), her boyfriend (my boyfriends best friend) asked my boyfriend to apologise for swearing at her and telling her to get her facts straight, he refused and they haven't talked since then! I was upset about the whole thing, I didn't do anything wrong and it seemed from the outset that she was determined to believe I didn't like them for whatever reason.

What still upsets me to this day though (this was almost 2 years ago) is that my boyfriend has lost his best friend over all this, and although I didn't do anything wrong, it's still essentially because of me that they're no longer friends. What I'm trying to say is don't let this ruin your friendship, whether you meet the other half or not!

Good anecdote there - I think we've all had a few run-ins with mates of partners.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't discourage a partner from seeing their independent friends (more nights in with the laptop and chocolate for me ) - but I do think there is too much pressure placed on a newish relationship by expecting everyone to become one big friendship circle, I'm not in a chuffing Richard Curtis/ Love Actually movie .

If someone I'm dating has a male friend who has a girlfriend, I really don't see why I have much in common with her.... Nothing malicious, but I like to concentrate on maintaining my "own people" without randomly adding loads of other people. With the added complexity that because they are friends of my partner, the way I am with them reflects on him.

pinkclouds

runningwoman wrote: »

If someone I'm dating has a male friend who has a girlfriend, I really don't see why I have much in common with her.... Nothing malicious, but I like to concentrate on maintaining my "own people" without randomly adding loads of other people. With the added complexity that because they are friends of my partner, the way I am with them reflects on him.

Mm. Agree. Wouldn't even see that I had much in common with the friend, never mind the friend's girlfriend.

To be honest, one acquaintance (of mine) has a deceased spouse whom I have never met and I couldn't tell you what she looked like.

I've only met one of my best mate's girlfriends. She's the one he intends to wed. If this girl is for keeps, then I'm sure you'll meet her eventually.

LudaMusser

Thanks for all of your replies

I made the post to try and understand what my friend`s g/f is going through. I think I`ll just continue to see him occassionally and leave it at that

SavingPennies_2

I understand where she is coming from. She may be even less keen to meet you and your GF as you probably come across as very confident and pushy (compared to her), not saying you are or its a bad thing but thats who you come across in this thread and she would find that even more off putting/ scary.

I also think that for people with social phobias its a lot easier to meet on home or neutral turf, going to your house for a meal would be the worst way to meet.

Speaking from my own experience btw.

BitterAndTwisted

Well, one way to approach it, if your pal is in agreement, is to make a plan together without the g/f's knowledge, to accidentally meet somewhere on the street. Or somewhere completely neutral and stress-free. "Hello! Didn't expect to meet you here. I'm just on my way to meet X, Y and Z but I've got five minutes for a coffee. Got time?"

I'm sure this g/f must leave the house voluntarily at some point. Even people with deep social phobias aren't hermits.

SavingPennies_2

Bitterandtwisted I can be shy and I would horrified and hurt if my BF made an arrangement like that behind my back, leave the poor girl alone.