are we the only ones who do this..?

FireWyrm

My OH and I do the same thing. Due to his terrible credit rating, we don't have a joint account as such because the bank wouldn't allow it, but we do have a 'house' account that he has full access to. He knows the pin number of the house card and uses it in shops. So far no one has twigged that he's not Mrs Firewyrm and he's never been stopped. I'm sure the bank would have something to say if they knew that he had the pin number but stuff em, it works for us. We have our own separate accounts, but my wages go into the house account first and then are dieminated into our private accounts. The household account is run much like yours, I keep a spending diary and every penny is accounted for. He gives me the till receipts and I update the spending diary so we know where we are. What he spends on his extremely limited personal account is his business and likewise, I have the same philosophy. Unfortunately, lately, the pocket money was suspended for both of us until further notice as we're a little strapped at the moment, but it will come back in Feb/March time. Until then, we'll both have to do without. Essentially, we run a pseudo joint account which we are both completely aware of. Neither of us cheat and use the money there for anything other than essentials since that would be dishonest and we've never been that.

immoral_angeluk

I think that sharing money like that is great and commendable BUT only if you have similar attitudes towards money.
Having come out of a marriage where all the finances were shared it ended in arguments and resentment because I was very controlled and cautious with money, whereas he wanted to spend it like water. This caused a lot of friction and made things very difficult. We're divorced now and I do think that part of the reason for me eventually leaving was getting fed up with the resentment he had for me and his reckless attitude to money.

Next time I live with someone/get married I intend to use seperate personal accounts and for us each to contribute a pro rata percentage of income into a seperate household bills account.

dib-dab

Before my husband and I were married we had separate finances - but not for the purpose of keeping secrets, it was just how we always functioned - we had a joint account which we paid equal amounts into each month for all shared costs. The rest of our money was our own (or debt in our case!). We moved abroad shortly before we got married and I wasn't working for a couple of months so we then amalgamated everything which luckily enough gave us our lightbulb moment! We hadn't purposely hidden anything from each other before then, we had just never really discussed our individual finances - we would see each others bank statements when the post arrived but that was as far as it went. However now I look after everything - all of our money, debt and soon to be savings - I have all passwords for online access and I make him a little statement at the end of each month so he knows what it going on, I also keep a spends spreadsheet for everything that we spend, we both have access to this so there is no way one of us could spend something without the other knowing. Actually that's not quite true - he can't really be bothered with the detail so doesn't check anything - but I would never be dishonest about our finances.

Now I do find it strange that together forever couples lend money to each other but back when we had mostly separate finances I wouldn't have done - we used to lend each other money if it was needed. However I don't think we generally asked for it back as it usually worked out even in the end and we knew that we were planning to get married and share everything.

My sister is studying full time at the moment and therefore only able to work part time - she was in tears a few months ago as was worrying that she wouldn't be able to buy Christmas gifts for us all (obviously we told her that we didn't want gifts that she couldn't afford) yet her husband has just bought a Porsche. Now this I do find odd and I realy feel for her but it is their business so I don't want to stick my nose in. I don't know whether she doesn't want to ask or whether he doesn't want to give but it is weird - and of course my parents end up constantly giving her money which I don't think is completely right for a married woman!

camuk81

3 years down the line of being married and me and my husband have a joint account he has never even set up security for (its telephone banking.)

He can be terrible with bills and I feel sorry and let him off over paying his part or being uneasy asking him about money. i know have everything calculated to the penny including school lunches etc. So he pays me an equal amount. We do the shopping in split amounts and childcare split i.e. he does 2 weeks I do 2 weeks. We can sometimes borrow money but we have paydays at the opposite sides of the month so we are very fortunate to be able to do this. However I always feel happier he has money and I have mine.

However after my light bulb moment I have opened up and this month he put an extra £50 in my bank to help me out. This way I can spend on what I want and he can spend on what he wants.

Honestly if you saw us in real life you would wonder why we are together but this works great for us.

Torry_Quine

We are both of the opinion that it's our money and it doesn't hugely matter that one of us puts more in than the other. I am shocked when I hear someone say that they owe money to their partner, it just makes very little sense to me. The idea that you take turns to pay for things seems very strange to me but if a system works for you then that is the most important thing.

Torry_Quine

dorsetlady wrote: »

My husband and I have completely separate finances. He is much better off than I am (his income is over twice my wage and he's retired) but his money is his and vice versa. We recently bought a house (cash purchase). I had some money to put into it and for the remainder of my half he lent me the money. I've got to pay him back about £6,000 a year. I also have to pay three quarters (because there are four of us in the house including my grown up children) of all of the household bills and buy my own food. Anything that's needed for the house also has to be paid for jointly and any repairs too. When we moved house I had to pay for half the van hire too. I find it quite hard as don't earn much (about £14,000) and haven't had a week off work for two years (I have a "bank" contract - if I don't work I don't get paid).

I am really envious of some of my friends who have such generous husbands and am embarrassed to tell them about my finances! It made me laugh when a patient recently said that she expects that I am spoilt as I have a husband 22 years my senior - fat chance!! :rotfl:

I certainly hopes he looks after you in other ways! Making you pay back the loan he gave to pay for the new house seems peverse to me and certainly not what marriage should be about.

FireWyrm

dorsetlady wrote: »

My husband and I have completely separate finances. He is much better off than I am (his income is over twice my wage and he's retired) but his money is his and vice versa. We recently bought a house (cash purchase). I had some money to put into it and for the remainder of my half he lent me the money. I've got to pay him back about £6,000 a year. I also have to pay three quarters (because there are four of us in the house including my grown up children) of all of the household bills and buy my own food. Anything that's needed for the house also has to be paid for jointly and any repairs too. When we moved house I had to pay for half the van hire too. I find it quite hard as don't earn much (about £14,000) and haven't had a week off work for two years (I have a "bank" contract - if I don't work I don't get paid).

I am really envious of some of my friends who have such generous husbands and am embarrassed to tell them about my finances! It made me laugh when a patient recently said that she expects that I am spoilt as I have a husband 22 years my senior - fat chance!! :rotfl:

Ok, that's just perverse..you having to buy 3/4ths of the food? What does he do? Buy his own food? Who cooks it because if I were you, I'd be damned if I was going to cook it for him too! As for the rest, I just wouldn't tolerate it.

When you say yu havnt had a week off work in two years? What do you mean exactly? I ask because you should be aware that you are entitled to 20 days holiday a year, that is statutory...if you're not getting it, you are being diddled and frankly, I'd be straight down CAB tomorrow morning. You are entitled to a proraata proportion of that 20 days if you are part time for instance, but you are entitled to it.

FireWyrm

dorsetlady wrote: »

I’m embarrassed to admit it but he doesn’t. I work, not full-time, but 30 hours a week and have to do EVERYTHING in the house too! :embarasse If I'm VERY lucky a get a cup a tea when I get in from work but nothing else. He thinks he is very generous because he's not charging me interest on the money I owe!

What?!!!

I'm sorry Dorset lady, but what exactly are you getting out of this cute little arrangement? It seems to me you've got the short end of the stick here and honestly, I might be asking myself some pretty serious questions about the future of this if I were you.

jakes-mum

dorsetlady wrote: »

I’m embarrassed to admit it but he doesn’t. I work, not full-time, but 30 hours a week and have to do EVERYTHING in the house too! :embarasse If I'm VERY lucky a get a cup a tea when I get in from work but nothing else. He thinks he is very generous because he's not charging me interest on the money I owe!

Oh bless your heart Dorset Lady Its so easy for the rest of us to say thats terrible and you shouldn't stand for it (well you shouldnt as thats not a partnership) but im not really sure how you can change a man of his age.

My DH is terrible with money, literally no bottom to his pockets but I know he would give me his last penny if I wanted it

Standingtall

dorsetlady wrote: »

With the food budget I buy all the food and he pays a quarter. Obviously, I cook everything. I know I'm mad to put up with it but I'm on a low income and have low self esteem hence living like this for eight years. If I started refusing to cook it really would make life intolerable. We came to the agreement that he wouldn't charge me interest as I do all the housework etc.

I don't have time off work because I work on the "bank" as a nursing auxiliary for the NHS. You book shifts and if you don't work you don't get paid. I can't afford to have time off because, although you get working time directive pay in your wage, to make up for no holidays, I need every penny I earn. I've had two weeks off in four years. What really annoys me is that he has hundreds of thousands in the bank and his first wife never worked, lived in a large detached house and had five holidays abroad every year! :mad:

Still I've no-one to blame but myself. I also had to sign a pre-nup so I'd get nothing if I left.

I know everybody is entitled to live as they wish and each to their own but, I have to say, please find someone to talk to or get some counselling or similar. Your relationship is simply wrong and you should not be living like this. I had poor self esteem during my first marriage and my husband was controlling and used my lack of esteem to his advantage. Please seek help, you only live once and you deserve better.