Frump to Fab - Summer Solstice Sizzler

Bitsy_Beans

LL hugs to you. For cheap treats keep an eye out for weekends when National Trust open the doors to their properties for free. I also noticed a sign in a local house window advertising the visit a garden scheme. You can search by area and date here for details of ones near your http://www.ngs.org.uk/.

evilsquid1603

LL -most museums and art gallery's are also free entry too! (they get you when you buy a coffee after a few hours of looking round!)

WelshWoofer

Fantastic post LL. Wise words.

Just back from walking around the water park with the dog - it was lovely, the sun was out, no breeze and we watched the waterskiers and windsurfers (who weren't going very far:rotfl:), looked at all of the wild birds, joggers and other dogwalkers. A very calming hour that cost nothing and has set me up for the day.

More Ts....
Trying something new - whether its a new lipstick, new food, new author or something more challenging like a new activity (going abseiling in a couple of weeks!) variety is the spice of life. I've recently got out the rut I was in and just these small things have made a massive difference to my confidence. I started small (went to the cinema by myself) and worked up to some more scary things like joining a social group with people that I didn't know. Just trying on clothes in a shop that you wouldn't usually try is a step forward, you don't have to buy anything but you may find something you like that you wouldn't usually have picked up. Watch a TV program that is out of your comfort zone, I've done this a bit recently, some have bored me rigid, some were fab.

T is also for time - we never have enough of it. Is it really necessary to do things on a certain day at a certain time? I'm guilty of a set routine (food shopping on a Saturday, laundry on a Sunday etc) but the world wouldn't stop if I didn't to this in such a regimented fashion. Putting less pressure on yourself to be perfect can only help with stress levels and well being.

Temptation - my vices are crisps and cheese. I could live without them but life would be a less pleasurable experience. So I try to have a little of what I fancy to avoid blow outs (I'm not an angel though, a sharing sized bag of cheese puffs somehow fell into my mouth yetserday!) Still working on that one........

fedupandskint

Lovely long walk around the water park first thing this morning then back to clean the bathroom thats all done now.

2 assignments all finished and after lunch onto the final one to finish. Hope to finish it by bedtime but I'm not sure yetif I will.

Tomorrow I'll fab myself up and defuzz, have a go on the stepper and see if I've recovered enough to do it for 20mins. Then have a bath and a facemask and an early night.

WelshWoofer

Sparkles - you aren't in Manchester are you?
I was in Sale Water Park this morning with the dog too. Wondered if we wandered past each other? Spooky!

Just mown the lawns (read grassy patches before you get any ideas of grandness!) and am shattered now and all sneezy. Going to touch up the paint work when I stop sniffling and then have a bit of a rest.

fedupandskint

WW - no I'm not! I'm about 40 miles away in Yorkshire

Anyway, really need to get back to it and log off!

lizzie157

Sorry am about to come on here and bring the mood down. Have had an awful morning, kids arguing and then youngest DD refusing to do her responsibilities re the dog. When we had the dog it was on the understanding it was shared responsibility. I am willing to make some allowances for them being kids OH isn't. Today I agreed with him, told her she wouldn't be allowed to do something she wants to do later if she didn't do what she was asked. After disappearing from the room she told me when I went up to get dressed that she would be going out. When I said no she had been warned she kicked over her drawers spilling a blackcurrant drink all over the pale carpet in her room. I'm afraid I lost it, I smacked her and shouted at her. I had to leave the room cos I felt like I'd lost control. She has cleaned up the mess and is now in bed having been grounded. When I went downstairs I was in tears. I really feel like my life is such a mess. I have no friends, am not happy with OH, and nothing seems to change. i feel like it's all my fault, i've got a older DD thats suffering depression, younger one has had bullying isssues in the past and it's because i've allowed myself to be everything that LL was talking about. (your post had me in tears too). i feel like a horrible person for allowing my kids to grow up in an unhappy environment. perhaps i dserve to be in the position i'm in. i really don't want to go on like this. sorry for doing this on here but i've no one in real life to talk to and i don't expect sympathy i really don't deserve it.

maman

lizzie157 wrote: »

Sorry am about to come on here and bring the mood down. Have had an awful morning, kids arguing and then youngest DD refusing to do her responsibilities re the dog. When we had the dog it was on the understanding it was shared responsibility. I am willing to make some allowances for them being kids OH isn't. Today I agreed with him, told her she wouldn't be allowed to do something she wants to do later if she didn't do what she was asked. After disappearing from the room she told me when I went up to get dressed that she would be going out. When I said no she had been warned she kicked over her drawers spilling a blackcurrant drink all over the pale carpet in her room. I'm afraid I lost it, I smacked her and shouted at her. I had to leave the room cos I felt like I'd lost control. She has cleaned up the mess and is now in bed having been grounded. When I went downstairs I was in tears. I really feel like my life is such a mess. I have no friends, am not happy with OH, and nothing seems to change. i feel like it's all my fault, i've got a older DD thats suffering depression, younger one has had bullying isssues in the past and it's because i've allowed myself to be everything that LL was talking about. (your post had me in tears too). i feel like a horrible person for allowing my kids to grow up in an unhappy environment. perhaps i dserve to be in the position i'm in. i really don't want to go on like this. sorry for doing this on here but i've no one in real life to talk to and i don't expect sympathy i really don't deserve it.

I couldn't just read and run although what I have to say will have to be a bit rushed.

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!!!

Please don't talk about deserving to be treated badly etc. No one deserves that and I know you want to do something about it. However today you're dealing with your DD and the dog issues. Take one thing at a time.

I assume your DD is a teenager. I have brought up 2 girls myself and their emotions are on a rollercoaster. It's not you, it's her. First of all you are right to have house rules and stick to them. If that's what was agreed about the dog then that's what was agreed about the dog. I would be prepared to make exceptions for very good reasons but generally if she's agreed walking or feeding or whatever then that's what she should be doing.

My way of dealing with this would be to go and talk to her and ask how she feels about the whole situation. I'd apologise for getting angry but explain what you'd agreed about the dog. It's not weakness to explain to her that you have feelings too. However (and I'm not suggesting you would but I know some adults do) you're the parent here so don't offload your other problems on her. Try to help her cope while underlining that you're setting the rules (with negotatiation and taking her views into account).

And take care, and don't worry about sharing it on here.

lessonlearned

lizzie157 wrote: »

Sorry am about to come on here and bring the mood down. Have had an awful morning, kids arguing and then youngest DD refusing to do her responsibilities re the dog. When we had the dog it was on the understanding it was shared responsibility. I am willing to make some allowances for them being kids OH isn't. Today I agreed with him, told her she wouldn't be allowed to do something she wants to do later if she didn't do what she was asked. After disappearing from the room she told me when I went up to get dressed that she would be going out. When I said no she had been warned she kicked over her drawers spilling a blackcurrant drink all over the pale carpet in her room. I'm afraid I lost it, I smacked her and shouted at her. I had to leave the room cos I felt like I'd lost control. She has cleaned up the mess and is now in bed having been grounded. When I went downstairs I was in tears. I really feel like my life is such a mess. I have no friends, am not happy with OH, and nothing seems to change. i feel like it's all my fault, i've got a older DD thats suffering depression, younger one has had bullying isssues in the past and it's because i've allowed myself to be everything that LL was talking about. (your post had me in tears too). i feel like a horrible person for allowing my kids to grow up in an unhappy environment. perhaps i dserve to be in the position i'm in. i really don't want to go on like this. sorry for doing this on here but i've no one in real life to talk to and i don't expect sympathy i really don't deserve it.

First of all do not apologise for coming on here and pouring your heart out. You have to do it somewhere and if you've nowhere else or no-one else then we're here, to support, to encourage or just to listen.

Second it's not all your fault. If you are unhappy with your OH then some of it is bound to be his fault too - it takes two to tango. Maybe it's no-one's fault, maybe it's just the way it is. Life's like that sometimes.

Re your children growing up in an unhappy environment, yes of course it's not ideal but, perhaps, for all sorts of reasons, you may not have been able to make any necessary changes to that environment.

Financial reasons, psychological factors, health problems, lack of confidence - all have a role to play. Sometimes the timing is just not right. Don't torture yourself over this.

Don't play the blame game and certainly don't take all the blame on your shoulders. No-one has shoulders broad enough to take on all the blame and responsibility for an unhappy relationship.

Only you know what you can stand, whether or not it's time to part from your OH, or whether or not you want to try and work things out. I'm afraid that's one decision only you can make.

Have you tried going to Relate, either as a couple or just you. They don't just try and keep couples together - they can also be very helpful at helping you untie the knot too.

Back to the children. Now I'm no advocate of smacking but yes I have done it a couple of times, when I was desperate and driven to despair. Yes I too came downstairs and wept buckets because I had smacked one of the children. I too felt a failure. Try not to torture yourself too much over this - but of course you will, because you are a loving, caring mother.

When the time is right - obviously before bed-time tonight - kiss and make up with your DD. Tell her you were sorry that you smacked her but exlain again that her behaviour was unacceptable and she pushed you too far. She may still sulk etc but children do have to learn that Mums and Dads are only human and that everyone has a breaking point.

As long as smacking isn't a regular occurrence in your household, which obviously it isn't or else why would you be so upset, there will be no real harm done just this once.

Back to your OH. I have to say this but in respect of children and pet care your husband is being incredibly naive and his expectations of the children taking sole care of their dog is far too high. You are being the practical and realistic one. Of course children promise the earth when they first get a pet, then the novelty wears off and guess who's left to take care of the animal. No prizes for the correct answer. :rotfl:

Even if the child is remarkably diligent only a very foolish parent would turn over all responsibility of pet care to a child. The parent owes a duty of care to the animal too and it is unrealistic to expect a child to assume the same level of responsibilty to an animal that an adult would. By expecting them to do so your OH was just setting himself up for disappointment.

There are some people who would - like your husband - argue that if a child wants a pet they should look after it. In the real world it rarely happens...we all know who worms the dog, cleans out the rabbit, buys the bedding for the hamster, takes sick animals to the vet .....Taking the dog for an occasional walk seems to be as much as most children can manage.

You say you deserve to be in the position you're in. How so? What have you done that is so terrible that you have no right to happiness, to a mutually loving and respectful relationship or to see your children grow and flourish in a peaceful and calm home environment.

I'm betting you've done absolutely nothing to "deserve" being in the position you are in. It's just happened that's all. Things go wrong, relationships fail - that's life. Unless you were/are the bi*** pyscho from hell then of course you don't "deserve" any of this.

Maybe it's time to start thinking about what you really want, now and in the future. How do you see your life in 5 years time, more to the point how do you want your life to be to be in 5 years time. What do you want for your children.

OK maybe today isn't the day to make snap decisions about your future, but maybe today is the day when you stop taking the blame for everything, when you stop thinking that it's all your fault.

Today and tonight is about making peace with your daughter, taking a little time out for yourself to lick your wounds and trying to find a little bit of calm.

I will be thinking of you.

WelshWoofer

Oh Lizzie, I can't add any words of wisdom not ever having children but I can say that you are welcome here anytime to vent, ask for help or just have a good old moan. We've all got our own problems that are important and unique and can't get through them without help from somewhere. Let us help you by being a shoulder to cry on and, when you're ready, to help you move on.
Take care sweetheart xxx