Frump to Fab - Summer Solstice Sizzler

LameWolf

That's a lot of outlay! Sorry to hear about the rejection, though.:(

Enjoy the meal and cinema.;)

Now Dylan's gone home, I ought to get my steroid cream out to put on my feet, as I'm putting little bloody feet marks everywhere again:eek: - I don't use it when we're dog-sitting, as I don't wear footwear at home and don't want the doggies getting their little noses on it.;)

lessonlearned

LameWolf wrote: »

ones.

It's something I worry about, I have to admit, but from the other side of the equation. At present, once Mr LW has got me up and dressed, I can manage while he goes to work - he calls to check on me twice daily, and he leaves everything so that I can do the day's tasks, and anything I can't manage, he helps with when he gets home.

I'm aware, though, that every flare I go through leaves me a little worse than before, as in I never manage to recover to quite the previous level, iyswim, and I worry about what will happen further down the line, as Mr LW is the only source of support I have.

I'm also very conscious of the fact that he's a decade older than me, and if anything happens to him, I'm well and truly... well, screwed, I think sums it up.

I've been mulling this over and here's my conclusions. I hope that both yourself LW and others, both carers and cared for, may find something of interest and of use.

My nom de plume is Lessonlearned for a very real reason - I have made lots of mistakes, especially over my OH's care. If I can help anyone by passing on what I've learned............

In my defence I had no-one to help and guide me and, at the time of OH's diagnosis, was blithely unaware that his illness was to be both long term and ultimately terminal. His original prognosis was quite hopeful of a 90% recovery within 18-24 months.

After 18 months it was obvious that this was not going to be the case and then further investigations began and we learned the true horror of what lay ahead.

So to those of you who know that the prognosis is such that you cannot hope for a good recovery and that your conditions will continue to deteriote, thus necessitating further lifestyle changes, I urge you to think long and hard and to plan ahead.

If I had known in 2006 what was in store I would have done the following

Moved house to somewhere more wheelchair friendly, not just external access, but no tight, narrow corridors, narrow doorways. So either a new build apartment (all new builds post 2007 have to be wheelchair friendly) or a bungalow.

I would have knocked it about, removing internal walls where necessary and would have ensured that bathrooms etc were disabled user friendly, a wet room is probably the best option.

Easy access to the garden, and a conservatory for my OH to sit in and watch wildlife and the garden when it was too cold for going outside.

I would have continued working, and made absolutely sure that Social Services took responsibility for providing appropriate care in our own home. I would then have had enough money to buy in extra care as when we needed it.

I would have also have kept a reserve fund to employ a secretary/personal assistant to help my OH continue to run his business and then when that became unrealistic to help him study or do research.

I would have made damn sure that I had proper lifting equipment etc then I would not have damaged my back.

I would have insisted on being sent on a moving and handling course.

Any help that we've had has been far too little far too late.

If I had been better organised and more knowledgeable, had planned things better and got systems in place, my OH would still be living here and we could have avoided the care home route.

It would have taken an army of carers, a shedload of equipment but it could have been do-able. Now it's too late, my health is wrecked and I've no money left.

My advice to you is to start planning and making preparations.

To the carers - don't give up your careers, you are going to need that money. Don't for goodness sake, rely on the state to provide the kind of quality care that you would want to provide for your loved ones. Don't bankrupt yourselves in the process.

To those being cared for, don't expect or demand your loved ones to care for you. They are only one person and cannot do it all. If you love those who care for you - help them and ease their burden. Accept outside help with good grace.
Even if they are happy to shoulder the burden (the way I was) don't let them do it alone. Make sure they get help because, in the long run, it help you too.

Get the help you need, sooner rather than later. Get the systems in place, know what's required to enable you to stay at home. Make the changes necessary whilst you have the strength and energy to do so.

If you plan properly you should be able to avoid a care home scenario.

Don't make my mistakes, don't leave things too late.

Skymist

What a truely wonderful, knowledgeable and inspiring post, LL...... THANK YOU.

S

WelshWoofer

LL - thank you for your post and sharing your experiences.
Strangely enough my mum instigated a conversation today about my sister and her future (for those of you not aware, my sister has severe cerebral palsy and is cared for excellently by my parents but they are in their 60s and won't be around for ever and the responsibility will eventually be mine).
She told me completely out of the blue that she was going to have her kitchen and dining redone to make the house easier for me to sell in the future and that she wants me to visit her solicitor with her to put in place something in her will to safeguard my sister's financial future.
Basically, after my parent's days their house and my gran's old house that they currently rent out will pass to me (a substantial sum in the region of £350,000 in today's market) - mum wants me to work something out with the solicitor to use my sister's part of the "inheritance" to help pay for extra help and care for her when she lives with me to allow me to continue to work and live a "normal" life.
I own my own house with a smallish mortgage and could sell my house to enable us to move to a more suitable home for my sister (more wheelchair friendly with a downstairs bedroom and bathroom).
I'll also be eligible for a motability car to transport my sister around (as my parents have now) so that will also be a help.

Details like where we'll live (Wales or Manchester) are hopefully a way off having to be thought about but at least I know now that the financial situation won't be as dire as I'd feared. Of course, the social situation will take some working out but its a weight off my mind for the timebeing:). My dad must have been taking something in when I tried to talk about things with him (even though he didn't show it - typical man I suppose!).


On the bathroom fab front, the carpet is bought, two blinds have been ordered (man coming to measure them tomorrow), my shower sealing is finished and looks surprisingly ok and there's only the paintwork to go on my mini makeover.

Its all played havoc with my nails though - a job for tonight whilst watching Whitechapel (love that program!).

fedupandskint

A bit of a rubbish boring day at work today and then a slightly longer brisk walk with Mr Dog tonight after work. Trying to increase the walk and today added on another 5mins only.

Mildly achy legs this evening after all the exercise so gave tonights run a miss and will have a go with some stretchy yoga in about an hour's time once tea's gone down.

My sale order arrived today. the black bomber jacket with a big reduction arrived but doesn't look very nice on me, however the bright red/orange soft short jacket also very heavily reduced looks really nice and that was a surprise. I didn't expect it to look so nice but it did! So, that's a keeper and will go nice with jeans, and a white or cream top and then the jacket with a pop of summer colour. Might try and get a summer bag in the same colour too if I see one at some point. Plus the even more heavily reduced cotton daisy print summer black trousers also fitted, again another surprise in a size 10 and a proper waistband. Now that was a surprise so keeping these, thinking a bright orange/red top will go nicely with them, or again a white or cream top and maybe even the red jacket if I feel brave enough

So that's all the clothes shopping required now apart from some dearly lusted after bright blue jeans and a summer skirt at some point if I can find one reduced enough! The bomber jacket is going back at the weekend though which although was a good price does not look at all nice on me so its time to go back otherwise it'll stay in the wardrobe unworn and that's what I'm trying to avoid doing this year and concentrate on wearing what I have and fabbing myself up with them!

lessonlearned

Hi WW

I'm glad to see that you've starting having "The Talk" as our dear friend and mentor, Martin Lewis, calls it. It's not pleasant and it takes courage but it simply has to be done.

I'm so glad that your parents have taken this on board. Clearly they've given the matter some thought and want to do what's best for you and your sister.

My Oh asked me just last week if there is anything else he needs to do. I said yes we need to look at an Enduring Power of Attorney - this is the medical one for when he can no longer communicate his wishes as to which treatments he may wish to refuse - i.e. feeding tubes, DNR etc.

When I visited Sophistica we discussed some of the issues I was likely to have to face - she is currently sorting out stuff for her frail elderly parents so is very clued up.

She mentioned something called Tenants in Common - with regard to home ownership. I know nothing about this, but will do my homework and will raise the issue with my solicitor when we sort out the EPA. I understand that it may not be suitable for everyone.

I think this may well be what your mother has in mind, in order to protect the family's assets so that your sister will have funds to allow for her future care. Obviously her solicitor will be the best person to advise on this.

I received a call from SIL this evening. FIL will be able to leave hospital in a few days. Physically he seems fine, but has shown signs of considerable confusion. I'm sure being shunted between two wards in three days hasn't helped.

We're hoping that when he returns to a normal home environment he will be more relaxed and the confusion will improve a little.

Anyway the upshot is OH will be going to live with SIL for the foreseeable future. SIL was very nervous he would refuse but he is delighted and has decided to sell his house asap.

It's a lovely bungalow that he designed himself and had built to his very exacting high standards. Yes it needs some cosmetic work but I'm sure it will find a buyer very easily. Although most likely the buyer will be developer who will knock it down and build a large family home on the plot because the garden is enormous.

So that's one thing less for OH to worry about - you can imagine how upset and frustrated he feels at not being able to help his father.

I'm making good progress on the transport front so just as soon as that is done I can then finalise our own legal stuff and then get to grips with sorting out my parents.

Who knows I might then have some time for me ...:rotfl:

G'night all x

evilsquid1603

lessonlearned wrote: »

She mentioned something called Tenants in Common - with regard to home ownership. I know nothing about this, but will do my homework and will raise the issue with my solicitor when we sort out the EPA. I understand that it may not be suitable for everyone.

HTH but i have just done a law degree, the Legal Practice Course and loads of work experience in high street firms so if you need any basic help just ask! it'll mean you can go to a solicitor understanding what they are talking about.

with home ownership, there are two ways to hold property.

legally you can only hold property as Joint Tenants. this means all of you own the whole house together. we used the analogy of you together own one cake and you own the whole uncut cake together.

you can own the beneficial ownership (basically the money in it) in one of two ways. Joint Tenants where like before you own the whole house together or Tenants In Common where you each have a defined share in the property. that share can be in any quantity you want like 50/50, 60/40 etc. but going back to the cake, its is now completely cut into your respective shares so you both still "own" it all, but your cut piece is yours and yours alone to do as you wish eg sell/give away.

the main difference in these comes into play when one of you dies. if you are Joint Tenants, the whole property passes to the other Joint Tenant upon one Joint Tenants death, regardless of what their will says. it literally passes the second they die and if the will says different to that it doesn't matter because it's already been transferred as far as the law is concerned.

with a Tenant in Common, when one of you dies, it doesn't pass automatically. You can still do whatever you want with it under your will or if you don't have one it will pass under the intestacy rules so you need to make sure that those rules will still give effect to your wishes after you die or your share could go to someone completely different that you didn't want getting it.

lessonlearned

Oh thank you so much for that Evilsquid (what a funny name)

I have tried reading up on that but you have explained it far more clearly. Just a very quick question - aren't I rude - I should be paying you a fee for your knowledge and expertise.....

Can this be changed retrospectively or does it have to be done at the time of the house purchase.

evilsquid1603

lessonlearned wrote: »

Oh thank you so much for that Evilsquid (what a funny name)

I have tried reading up on that but you have explained it far more clearly. Just a very quick question - aren't I rude - I should be paying you a fee for your knowledge and expertise.....

Can this be changed retrospectively or does it have to be done at the time of the house purchase.

a lot of the legal sites will be full of jargon. it makes solicitors think they are important when they can use a million big words in a sentence as opposed to say 10 that would get the job done better.

EDIT: and no, no fee is required!

evilsquid has been around since high school, my friend drew a "cute octopus" on her biology book and the only thing i could think of to counter it was an "evil squid". it just grew from there and stuck :rotfl:

maman

:wave:

I know that you can change your property to 'tenancy in common' whenever you want, certainly doesn't have to be done at the time of purchase. DH and I were very recalcitrant writing wills and when we did (couple of years ago) we had the tenancy drawn up at the same time. In our case it's because we each have a grown up DD and wanted to demonstrate to each of them that their 'share' was protected. It's not important to them but it is to us.

I thought your story was really sad LL but salutory for others.

Lovely sounding 'buys' sparkles evrything sounds so bright and fresh. I know what you mean about stuff just hanging about in the wardrobe. I'm trying to be ruthless with a few 'retail therapy' errors in the past and send them to CS but more importantly resolving never to do it again!!

Sorry to hear your lovely dresses don't fit bratz, but delighted with the weightloss:T are you hoping to lose much more before the wedding? I was thinking it's best not to have your dresses altered until you're at a size you want to stick to. When I was losing weight I got by on some cheap stuff and a few CS buys to tide me over between sizes.

Hope you're getting a good night's sleep podperson.

Well done on the bathroom revamp ww. I'm interested that you've got someone local coming to measure for blinds. I want a white, wooden one in my spare bedroom but keep putting off buying one online for fear I'll get the measurements wrong. perhaps I'll see what's in our area.

Did my usual fabbing today, shower, slather, hair, make up etc. I'm really enjoying wearing skirts and dresses a lot more and my newly rekindled love of petticoats! I'm also finding that what felt like a real 'made up' look when I started is now getting to look a bit tame. I think eye shadow may become a regular.