The road less travelled

daviecol

clearingout wrote: »

Well, this is a first for me. But being on this site has made me cry this evening.

Tell me, OP, sat up there on your moral high ground, what sort of people are your children? Are they those that bully my children in the playground? Do they tell my children that their mother should get off her 'fat backside and get a job because all single mums are s**m? Do you whisper in corners about the 'single mum on benefits' when you pick up your children, discussing her and her lifestyle (or what you assume is her lifestyle) with anyone prepared to listen to you? Do you ever think about your attitude and how that rubs off on your children? What kind of people that makes them? What kind of contribution they make to society when they judge me, a single mum? Do you know what it's like to have your 7 year old ask you why his 'friends' say you can't keep your legs closed and what does that mean? Do you know what it's like to be asked 'how on earth can you afford to live in that house? Housing benefit must be very generous. I suppose I'm paying your rent 'cos you can't be bothered to work'.

For the record, I didn't ask to be a single mum. My 3 children were born within marriage. My now ex husband had an affair with his book keeper and left me for her, taking with him our business and my means to earn a living at that time. I was just pregnant with our 3 child . We lost our home, my children had to come out of their private schooling and my ex and his girlfriend lived a lovely life, thank you very much. I worked hard during my marriage - I have a Masters degree and had always worked, although part-time since having children - and didn't get into debt and we were fortunate to have paid off a huge chunk of a huge mortgage. I came out of my marriage OK in the end - credit in ruins, but a mortgage free roof over my head thanks to my own hard work for many years plus a generous mum who was both willing and able to make up the difference. That's why I'm able to live in that house. You're not paying for it.

Without the benefit system, my children and I would have ended up in a hostel and their brother would have been born into that situation. Or, to avoid that, I'd have been forced to hand them to their father and I can assure you that I would more than likely have never seen them again. I stayed on benefits for quite some time - longer than perhaps I should have done - but the safety net was there and I used it and I am grateful to every tax payer that ever was that they helped me in that way. Today, I am a trainee teacher in a shortage area, very heavily reliant on tax credits to help me pay the basic bills and make sure the children are appropriately cared for whilst I work. I wish I was entirely independent, but I'm not. And I refuse to be ashamed of that because people like you insist I should be.

My ex pays nothing towards his children - the system as it stands seems to support those who are self employed and as such, he gets away with it. He is not a bad father - he loves his children and does his best by them. Or perhaps better said, he does what he can before it interferes with his life. I do nothing at all to interfere in our children's relationship with their dad - they will see for themselves one day and I feel sad about that. But that's the way it is. They are certainly not children who will be receiving phone contracts and cash out of guilt. The man has no conscience whatsoever.

I have been through all that and don't believe I am bitter. I accept 'sh*t happens' and that we just have to deal with it. So I have done the best that I can. I have no doubt now that you'll say that your comments weren't aimed at me. But they were. They were aimed at me as a single mother who found herself, through no fault of her own, in a desperate situation. When those children make comments to my children in their playground, they do it because they heard it in their homes. They don't have the mental capacity to discriminate between me, a single mum by accident, and the single mums you think exist who have 5 children by 5 fathers and refuse to work. (As an amusing aside, my ex left me for a woman with three children by three fathers!).

You are of course right to be proud of going it alone and managing. But I shudder to think what sort of adults your grown up children make when brought up by parents who think nothing of hurling abuse on a public forum about a large, vulnerable section of society because we don't fit into your vision of how society should be. It takes all sorts. And all sorts make our society the way it is. You may well see criminals, drug abuse, alcoholism, single mothers, benefit scroungers on every street corner. I see a society developed enough to successfully look after it's own and make sure that no child (on paper at least) goes without. That is a true sign of being 'civilised' and something to be celebrated, particularly at Xmas when so many in the world have nothing at all.

You clearly aren't the kind of person that I was talking about .i.e.people who get pregnant (and I know a few) to get benefits and a house.

I don't think you could say I have been 'hurling abuse' in my post. I also think your being very unfair when you suggest I have been brainwashing my children into calling single parents.

However I have voiced my opinion, and you are perfectly entitled to voice your own. That's how this site works.

I wish you all the best for the future, and merry christmas

Ada_Doom

Thank you churchrat and clearing out for restoring my faith in this forum. And to the OP, read the above posts by the two single mums. You know what, there are thousands of other people on benefits with stories like that, but if it is easier for you to assume people on benefits are lazy, fecund wasters who don't want to work just you carry on. But do us a favour and keep you ill thought out opinions to yourself. Step away from the Daily Mail and read a proper paper. Your post has made me cross and depressed, so need to take myself off and have an Iceland "bailys".....merry frickin xmas yourself.

daviecol

Ada_Doom wrote: »

Thank you churchrat and clearing out for restoring my faith in this forum. And to the OP, read the above posts by the two single mums. You know what, there are thousands of other people on benefits with stories like that, but if it is easier for you to assume people on benefits are lazy, fecund wasters who don't want to work just you carry on. But do us a favour and keep you ill thought out opinions to yourself. Step away from the Daily Mail and read a proper paper. Your post has made me cross and depressed, so need to take myself off and have an Iceland "bailys".....merry frickin xmas yourself.

And if you don't want to read other peoples opinions stop coming here.

Ada_Doom

I know, you are quite right, really should not bother reading posts like yours, just too depressing.

cheepskate_2

Alias_Omega wrote: »

Do we actually pay for it?

My income is just over £31k a year, Mrs AO does not work. She is a housewife. We have 3 children under 10 yrs old.

Below is our monthly government income vs tax paid to the government.




I think the answer to the OP's question is that "NOW" he is paying for other peoples families. When the children are at an age where they move out, I receive no CB or CTC then i will be out of pocket. But whilst the children are at home, were near enough breaking even.

Change it to one child and you only get back about £130, so a huge difference

cheepskate_2

Alias_Omega wrote: »

Just have more children then..

Unfortunetly my hubbys work didnt deem it necessary to up his income each time we had a child.....sods, this should be made legal, as it was disadvantaging my first children

daviecol

cheepskate wrote: »

Change it to one child and you only get back about £130, so a huge difference

Exactly, however I have no problem with this person. He's working for his family and doing the right thing. As usual as the thread goes on the original point is somehow lost.

Oldernotwiser

clearingout wrote: »

I have been through all that and don't believe I am bitter. I accept 'sh*t happens' and that we just have to deal with it. So I have done the best that I can. I have no doubt now that you'll say that your comments weren't aimed at me. But they were. They were aimed at me as a single mother who found herself, through no fault of her own, in a desperate situation. When those children make comments to my children in their playground, they do it because they heard it in their homes. They don't have the mental capacity to discriminate between me, a single mum by accident, and the single mums you think exist who have 5 children by 5 fathers and refuse to work. (As an amusing aside, my ex left me for a woman with three children by three fathers!).

Such a shame that we nowadays use the same expression, whether lone parents or single mums, for everybody regardless of whether they're divorced, widowed or unmarried mothers.

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Such a shame that we nowadays use the same expression, whether lone parents or single mums, for everybody regardless of whether they're divorced, widowed or unmarried mothers.

You'd prefer varying levels of stigma?

Maybe they could wear badges...

daviecol

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Such a shame that we nowadays use the same expression, whether lone parents or single mums, for everybody regardless of whether they're divorced, widowed or unmarried mothers.

The thing that really worries me is that some where some thing has gone terribly wrong in the past 25 years.

I am 45 when I was in my last year at high school (a large mixed sex school 5 year groups with over 100 pupils per year group) in my year group there were only 2 people (both boys, both my friends) who's parents had divoced/seperated. I really felt for them, it really was pretty much unheard of.

By the time both my kids left school in their last year they reckoned there were practically nobody in their year groups who's parents were still together. And I'm not exaggerating! Certainly none of their friends live with both parents.

Now then, can anybody out there tell me what has happened?

From what I can gather most of my kids friends live with their mums who are still single, so it's not like the women are leaving their husbands for other blokes. But that also means their ex-husbands aren't moving in with woman who have children from other men.

What went wrong? I don't understand?

Please refrain from sexist remarks