It started with an affair ... now I can't move on

CantMoveOn

I know

(Msg too short)

victory

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He's cheated on three women - his OH with you, the mother of his child with you and you with the mother of his child.

I can understand a reluctance to believe everything is fine now and he'll never behave in that way again.

They both cheated though ? I guess it will take time, there is no easy fix but there is happiness now

WeBeBroke

Oh dear, you are wracked with guilt aren't you - must be a Catholic like me:p.

However, if you look at the facts of what happened (I hope this is right from what I've read! Apologies if I've got it all wrong):

- you were both in long-term relationships. You were both unhappy and had an affair. Okay, you should have left your partners before starting the affair but that's in an ideal world and although misguided, you not leaving your partner was borne out of kindness (and guilt).

-he left and set up on his own, leaving the way free for you to do the same and move in with him. You didn't and stayed with your partner. God knows how he must have felt, he'd gone through the stress of a break-up for your sake and it must have been a blow that you didn't do the same

-he had a brief relationship as a result - one-night stand or brief couple of weeks. To be honest it probably doesn't matter the length of time (even though it may seem that way to you). He was probably trying to get over the slap in the face he'd just had from you (sorry, not trying to be mean!) and he was attempting to move on. Unfortunately, things got complicated because she got pregnant.

-Pregnant lady has moved on and got another man who is raising the child as his own (did I read that right?). You never know, but she's probably feeling a bit bad about the stalking and the 'mad' phase she went through. For all you know it's an embarrassing episode she wants to forget

-Your boyfriend pays support for the child - good man him - which shows he's not one to shirk responsibility. But he's not having anything to do with the child probably because he knows how much it would hurt you.

-You don't want him to have anything to do with the child because it represents a time when he was 'unfaithful' to you, which then probably reminds you that you were unfaithful as well so you think you deserve it. And you're wracked with guilt because the good, kind part of you thinks he should have every right to see his child and his child should know his own father

However, you can't help your feelings, no matter how good a person you are. I really think you need to go to some counselling, you feel bad about how you got together but think about it - is anyone really hurting as a result of your actions? Your ex isn't, his ex isn't and even the baby and the baby's mum are fine. It's only you and your OH, and until you both deal with that you're never going to feel you deserve to be happy.

One suggestion, which could be a bad one, is for him to have contact with the child and for you to meet the baby too. Your imagination will create far worse scenarios than reality can. You never know, it may help you to move on and normalise everything. Problems in the open are rarely as bad as when they're in your head. We have had an example of this in my family where my Uncle had a baby with a woman he'd had a brief relationship with. While the woman was pregnant he met my Aunt and he never told her of the baby. Fast forward to when the child was 18 and seeking her dad, my aunt finally found out about her. She was devastated but she agreed to meet the girl and the girl now has a good relationship with her half-brothers and sisters. I'm not saying it's always a happy ending but I am saying, stop beating yourself up and stop thinking the worst.

Don't wreck what is a great relationship with someone you love for no good reason other than destructive guilt.

sorry for long post (I can ramble for ages) but I think you and your OH sound lovely and in need of a bit of sympathy.

WBBx

daska

CantMoveOn wrote: »

But why the guilt that your OH chooses not to see his child? As long has you have made it clear that you would welcome the child in your lives then that's his responsibility. (N.B. I do mean actively make sure you tell him the child is welcome, not just ignore the subject or not say anything negative.)
Ah you see its more the second one. I just don't say anything negative. As awful as I may sound I would not welcome the baby into my home, though to be honest neither would his mother want him in my home. If my boyfriend wanted to see him, I can't say I would just be fine with it, though I wouldn't stop it. I know that sounds horrible and its not the baby's fault who either of his parents are, but I can't control that part of me. I'll say it - I am glad he doesn't see the baby because it would complicate our lives and invite people in that I don't want to be in our lives. There would be a baby there that was younger than our relationship so it would invite questions from outside I would not want to answer. What was said about me not being a horrible person!?!

Not horrible, I can understand your reluctance, but there is every chance that this is going to be a problem. Not now maybe but later, because if he ever regrets not having made the effort to have a relationship with his child you will be easy to blame for not encouraging him. And the longer he leaves it the more difficult it will be to deal with. However much it sticks in your gullet you need to to make sure that his relationship with his child is entirely his choice with your full support in whatever that choice is. Suck it up girl, you know it's the right thing to do or you wouldn't be feeling guilty. (You never know, having his child in your lives might even be something you come to enjoy.)

CantMoveOn

WeBeBroke wrote: »

Oh dear, you are wracked with guilt aren't you - must be a Catholic like me:p.

However, if you look at the facts of what happened (I hope this is right from what I've read! Apologies if I've got it all wrong):

- you were both in long-term relationships. You were both unhappy and had an affair. Okay, you should have left your partners before starting the affair but that's in an ideal world and although misguided, you not leaving your partner was borne out of kindness (and guilt).

-he left and set up on his own, leaving the way free for you to do the same and move in with him. You didn't and stayed with your partner. God knows how he must have felt, he'd gone through the stress of a break-up for your sake and it must have been a blow that you didn't do the same

-he had a brief relationship as a result - one-night stand or brief couple of weeks. To be honest it probably doesn't matter the length of time (even though it may seem that way to you). He was probably trying to get over the slap in the face he'd just had from you (sorry, not trying to be mean!) and he was attempting to move on. Unfortunately, things got complicated because she got pregnant.

-Pregnant lady has moved on and got another man who is raising the child as his own (did I read that right?). You never know, but she's probably feeling a bit bad about the stalking and the 'mad' phase she went through. For all you know it's an embarrassing episode she wants to forget

-Your boyfriend pays support for the child - good man him - which shows he's not one to shirk responsibility. But he's not having anything to do with the child probably because he knows how much it would hurt you.

-You don't want him to have anything to do with the child because it represents a time when he was 'unfaithful' to you, which then probably reminds you that you were unfaithful as well so you think you deserve it. And you're wracked with guilt because the good, kind part of you thinks he should have every right to see his child and his child should know his own father

However, you can't help your feelings, no matter how good a person you are. I really think you need to go to some counselling, you feel bad about how you got together but think about it - is anyone really hurting as a result of your actions? Your ex isn't, his ex isn't and even the baby and the baby's mum are fine. It's only you and your OH, and until you both deal with that you're never going to feel you deserve to be happy.

One suggestion, which could be a bad one, is for him to have contact with the child and for you to meet the baby too. Your imagination will create far worse scenarios than reality can. You never know, it may help you to move on and normalise everything. Problems in the open are rarely as bad as when they're in your head. We have had an example of this in my family where my Uncle had a baby with a woman he'd had a brief relationship with. While the woman was pregnant he met my Aunt and he never told her of the baby. Fast forward to when the child was 18 and seeking her dad, my aunt finally found out about her. She was devastated but she agreed to meet the girl and the girl now has a good relationship with her half-brothers and sisters. I'm not saying it's always a happy ending but I am saying, stop beating yourself up and stop thinking the worst.

Don't wreck what is a great relationship with someone you love for no good reason other than destructive guilt.

sorry for long post (I can ramble for ages) but I think you and your OH sound lovely and in need of a bit of sympathy.

WBBx

:TYou've got to be such a lovely person to take the time to sit and type that post and I really thank you for that

Genuinely, you've just summed up exactly how I feel in in a few paragraphs and even though I know the story (very well) myself its good to read it back written from an outsiders point of view if you see what I mean.

Its the part in blue that I have never really thought about before. As far as I know everyone is pretty happy with the situation now. My OH and I definitely are happy together, and everyone else seems to have moved on to. When I read that, for the first time in about 18 months, I just thought 'yeah you're right. who actually has a problem with it now?' and the answer is nobody but me. If everyone else can move on then why the hell don't I, particularly when I'm with the person I want to be with for life.

Whilst I'm not sure we'll ever have a relationship with her or her son (eugh I can't even say it properly .. it's "their" son), its something to think about.

Thank you so much WeBeBroke. You've brightened my day. Ever thought of being a counsellor?

CantMoveOn

daska wrote: »

Not horrible, I can understand your reluctance, but there is every chance that this is going to be a problem. Not now maybe but later, because if he ever regrets not having made the effort to have a relationship with his child you will be easy to blame for not encouraging him. And the longer he leaves it the more difficult it will be to deal with. However much it sticks in your gullet you need to to make sure that his relationship with his child is entirely his choice with your full support in whatever that choice is. Suck it up girl, you know it's the right thing to do or you wouldn't be feeling guilty. (You never know, having his child in your lives might even be something you come to enjoy.)

I feel horrible, trust me. He's a little boy, 18 months old, and I do believe the best thing is to have your mother and father in your life. I've always had it and can't imagine my dad being missing from my life. But I don't know what his mum will choose to tell him about his dad, or whether he'll grow up thinking the other guy is his father.

My OH had a shocking childhood which is why I think he's found it relatively easy to step away from the situation with his child. He wasn't raised by either of his own parents for more than a few months at a time, was passed from pillar to post, wasn't sure who his biological parents were, was homeless at one point, was a victim of abuse, and without going too far into it, there was an extremely horrific domestic situation between his parents, which resulted in one of them being killed. Whilst I don't think this goes in any way to excuse his not being part of his son's life, it does go some way to explaining why at he minute he's not at a stage in his life where he feel any direct family connection to ANY of his own relatives in any way. Just thought I'd throw that in there anyway, as its sort of relevant and this is the most honest I've been able to be about our situation in a long time. Venting is good for the soul.

WeBeBroke

I'm really glad you're sounding a bit brighter about it all - talking (or writing) really does help. Take things a step at a time, keep talking to your OH and above all, enjoy being with him without having to sneak around all the time.

As for me being a counsellor - I'd be hopeless:D. I'd only pick the people I like and want to help and I'd bring them to a cozy corner of a local pub where we'd solve all problems over a bottle of wine and a packet of crisps:rotfl:

backfoot

Can'tMoveOn,

You really love your current partner and current life. Even his brief fling hasn't dented that and you are letting insecurities enter into your thoughts.They are destructive thoughts.

Please focus on your happy life together going forward. You can't change the past but you both have learnt from it.You don't have to serve any penance for it. Introducing negativity is much more likely to create repeat problems, than building upon what you currently have together.

I think there have been some excellent supportive contributions from other posters and none have been critical of you. Mistakes do happen and at 24 you are not alone.

I think you have already picked out many positives from others and I would keep it simple and just focus on you two together, without all the other complications.

Good luck.:)

dancingfairy

What would you say to your best friend if the same thing happened to them? I always think that the advice you would give your friend is what you need to say to yourself.
df

daska

CantMoveOn wrote: »

I feel horrible, trust me. He's a little boy, 18 months old, and I do believe the best thing is to have your mother and father in your life. I've always had it and can't imagine my dad being missing from my life. But I don't know what his mum will choose to tell him about his dad, or whether he'll grow up thinking the other guy is his father.

My OH had a shocking childhood which is why I think he's found it relatively easy to step away from the situation with his child. He wasn't raised by either of his own parents for more than a few months at a time, was passed from pillar to post, wasn't sure who his biological parents were, was homeless at one point, was a victim of abuse, and without going too far into it, there was an extremely horrific domestic situation between his parents, which resulted in one of them being killed. Whilst I don't think this goes in any way to excuse his not being part of his son's life, it does go some way to explaining why at he minute he's not at a stage in his life where he feel any direct family connection to ANY of his own relatives in any way. Just thought I'd throw that in there anyway, as its sort of relevant and this is the most honest I've been able to be about our situation in a long time. Venting is good for the soul.

Oh poor man! Well, obviously his traumatic childhood is going to influence his choices and knowing that it's quite easy to assume that he would continue to avoid taking any more interest in the child than the legal minimum but, and it's a huge BUT! I don't think his childhood is relevant to whether or not you are big enough to offer him the opportunity to get to know his child. What will matter, if he has regrets at any point in the future, is he knows you were fully supportive of him whatever he decided.

And yes, I love to vent