It started with an affair ... now I can't move on

Bubby

CantMoveOn wrote: »

Its the baby more than anything that is an issue and a reminder, and clearly its not going to just go away, when she lives probably about 10 minutes away from us.


Ah you see its more the second one. I just don't say anything negative. As awful as I may sound I would not welcome the baby into my home, though to be honest neither would his mother want him in my home. If my boyfriend wanted to see him, I can't say I would just be fine with it, though I wouldn't stop it. I know that sounds horrible and its not the baby's fault who either of his parents are, but I can't control that part of me. I'll say it - I am glad he doesn't see the baby because it would complicate our lives and invite people in that I don't want to be in our lives. There would be a baby there that was younger than our relationship so it would invite questions from outside I would not want to answer. What was said about me not being a horrible person!?!

CantMoveOn wrote: »

Whilst I'm not sure we'll ever have a relationship with her or her son (eugh I can't even say it properly .. it's "their" son), its something to think about.

This is a very selfish immature view to have, whether you like it or not he has a child with someone else and despite your feelings this child has every right to a life with both of his parents. I am a believer in putting childrens needs before your own and your OH is being incredibly cruel by denying his son the chance to have his father in his life.

In time your OH will regret his actions and when your families find out about the child I am sure there will be alot of questions and people will find it hard to understand a father walking away from his child. If he can walk away from a child once, what is to say that when you have children you don't end up in the same situation as this woman?

jtr2803

Bubby wrote: »

This is a very selfish immature view to have, whether you like it or not he has a child with someone else and despite your feelings this child has every right to a life with both of his parents. I am a believer in putting childrens needs before your own and your OH is being incredibly cruel by denying his son the chance to have his father in his life.

In time your OH will regret his actions and when your families find out about the child I am sure there will be alot of questions and people will find it hard to understand a father walking away from his child. If he can walk away from a child once, what is to say that when you have children you don't end up in the same situation as this woman?

Disagree entirely. It's wholly up to the Op's partner whether he wants to be involved with the child or not. I think it is much better he makes a decision and sticks to it rather than keeps changing his mind. As far as the child is concerned here, he does have two parents, his mother and her partner. Being a parent is providing unconditional love to a child and last time I checked you didn't have to create the child in order to be a good parent to it.

OP, I don't advocate affairs at all but I do know that sometimes life just isn't that straight forward. You only get one shot at life and sometimes you have to chase your own happiness....even if at the expense of others.

My partner was in a long term relationship when we first met and we had an emotional, but not physical, affair. He decided to stay with his partner and they broke up of their own accord a year later and pure chance brought us back together. Don't carry guilt, the past has brought you to where you are today, accept it and look forwards, not backwards.

londonsurrey

I suspect that it's down to dissonance. You probably see yourself as a fundamentally good person, and want to pair up with a fundamentally good person too.

So now you have everything materially, the man, the life, etc, but you know how it came about, so whenever you look at what you should be viewing with satisfaction, it's edged with that knowledge at the back of your mind.

We are all human, it is what we do after we make mistakes that makes the difference. So although it makes things really easy that your OH is not seeing his son, you are also watching him live through another less than stellar example of his behaviour. And as a person who knows what good and bad are, you know he's taking the easier road, rather than manning up and at the very least trying to be a father in any way he can.

As I said, it is definitely the easier way to live in terms of time, convenience, etc, but you know deep down what ideal behaviour is, and this is what is stopping you from enjoying everything fully.

doodoot

OP, I'm a little confused about what you said in your first post...you say that you are both now settled and want to have children then you say you don't.

I may be totally wrong here, but do you think that perhaps the reason why you keep checking the ex's FB is because you envy the fact that SHE has his child and you don't?

As for him not wanting to see the child, I'm afraid that I have strong views on this which come from personal experience with my own father and the father of my 2 sons....but voicing them will do no good for your situation.

What I will say is that there will be nothing that you can say to him to change his mind, trust me on this.

As for others knowing the origins of your relationship, it isn't anyone's business.

The reason for you thinking so is due to guilt surrounding the affair...by admitting it, you may find a few people will drop off your radar.

Although I am not condoning your affair I would advise that you focus upon yourself and your OH, you seem happy and loved up so enjoy it.

So many people don't have what you two have.

babymoo

CantMoveOn wrote: »

I think it is because of me but also because he really hates the girl and the fact she (not singlehandedly clearly) threatened our relationship

That is possibly true but he seems to be missing the fact that his child didn't do anything wrong and it is not his child's fault that daddy had an affair etc.

What's done is done and you can't undo it. Whilst I don't agree with what happened, everyone involved is clearly happy with the situation now and getting on with their lives so what is it about this woman that threatens you so much? Is it because she has give him a child? Yes she stalked you and I can't imagine how scary that might have been but shes been warned by the police and I can't imagine that stalking you is high on her list of priorities now she has a baby.

Personally I couldn't live with a man who refused to see his child. I would constantly be thinking well he could well do this to my/our children aswell and I wouldn't want to take that risk. You need to have it out with him, tell him exactly how you are feeling and get to the bottom of everything because underneath all the affairs and the heartache is a little boy who needs his daddy. He has to be put first above everything else. Don't wait till after christmas and spoil your christmas tell him now.

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

Reading between the lines here, could the portion of you that's finding it so difficult to move on be more to do with the worry that he may do the same to you (affair-wise)? Furthermore, if he can so easily ignore his current child, it must be difficult not knowing whether he could do the same to your baby, should you fall pregnant at any point... Relationships born from affairs are a minefield of insecurities

londonsurrey

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine wrote: »

Reading between the lines here, could the portion of you that's finding it so difficult to move on be more to do with the worry that he may do the same to you (affair-wise)? Furthermore, if he can so easily ignore his current child, it must be difficult not knowing whether he could do the same to your baby, should you fall pregnant at any point... Relationships born from affairs are a minefield of insecurities

I agree. In common parlance, the man's got form. Both for fidelity in relationships and commitment to progeny.

Any

The man does have form.... but lesser then the OP!!!!

He was the strong one, he broke off the relationship, moved out into new apartment, made the way ready for her... And she stayed with her partner at the time!!!

No, life is not easy and sometimes it gets messy and while we try our best sometimes we are just unable to control our emotions. Obviously the OP wouldn't have ever done it, has not done it in the past and is shocked she did when looking back, but that is what love is - sometimes it happens.

If he was in love as much as she says she is and he has done all that and she didn't come with him - this guy must have been pretty heart broken!!! Didn't you say you also split up? What the hell did you expect him to do? He was heart broken and someone came along to tend to his insecurities, are you really surprised he succumbed? You dumped him, however you call it, you betrayed him!

And now you are jealous!! I get the feeling he is not seeing the child because of you. I get the feeling he is the one more in love in this relationship, all his acts point towards this.

OP, if you truly want to be happy in future you need to deal with your insecurities. If you cannot do it while you are looking at the other woman, you then truly need to move and start over again.

There is no half way, there is not other option - otherwise you will either eat at yourself or at him and you will make your life a misery.

flutterby_lil

CantMoveOn wrote: »

And how did you get over that?

I asked my partner at the time and when I knew he was lying I asked again - he still lied so I had to leave!!