It started with an affair ... now I can't move on

flutterby_lil

Maybe your partner feels the same so talk to him - maybe he is not having anything to do with his son for your sake.

I think communication is the key here - maybe you could all get along fine and the child can have two loving families in his life.

Did you ask your OH about the one night stand, or was it a relationship with the mother of baby and deep down you know that so are feeling insecure and like he has cheated on you?

warehouse

You know what my first thought was? He's obviously got a Christmas bash coming up and you don't trust him.

As others have said already, you need to move.

CantMoveOn

Hi everyone - thank you for taking the time to reply - it really does mean a lot,a and thank you for not jumping straight on my back. No-one could beat me up about it anymore than I already have done.

Can you and your partner not move a little further away?
We could but we love the town we live in and my family, our jobs etc are all here too, so its not really something we would consider. I've just got to get my head around the fact I may bump into her sometimes I think

One thing sprung to mind and that was, stop living a lie. You were lying through your affair and you're lying to people about your relationship now.
I do see what you're saying and don't disagree. Its true that none of our family or friends know how we got together, but I guess we're just keeping it that way, selfishly and to stop other people being hurt in any way by our actions too.

You cant change the past but you can change the way you deal with it.
This really struck a chord with me YouDontSeeMe, so thank you. I know you're right. I wondered if it might be worth me seeing a counsellor to talk to through

You and your partner are both people who have had blurred boundaries, or no boundaries when it comes to fidelity, honesty and commitment within relationships. How you're feeling now simply illustrates that anything other than a monogamous 1 to 1 relationship generally brings profound difficulties for the cheat as well as the cheated. Learn from it and live with it.
Thank you. You're not wrong

I would tell him how you feel, you need to share it and work on your issues together.
I think once we get Christmas out of the way I'm going to have to do this. We do talk about it occasionnally but it is upsetting for both of us, and usually ends in us both side-stepping the issue

I hope you feel somewhat better for having written it all out. It sometimes helps just to put it all down in black and white, and read it back to yourself.
You know what? I think I do. I've never told a soul about it before and somehow being anonymous on an internet forum does help. I needed to get it all. I'm not proud when I read it back, but at least its out there now hey?

Why should you leave this guy? His unfortunate actions resulted in a child but you're now very happy together. I assume he's kind and loving, why leave him? But... there's clearly unfinished business here (for you at least). You can't move on, you can't stop thinking about this woman and her child, you worry about future fidelity. Sounds like you need to start talking things through with your other half... you need to put this behind you, or at least find a way of living with it that doesn't constantly torment you. Only by talking and really exploring your feelings can you work out what's really bothering you.
You're right. I don't have any intention of leaving him. Yes we did wrong, and I feel like my punishment for that is really the worry and guilt I feel every day now. I know its not right at all to say 'oh it all worked out ok in the end' and I'm not the sort of person who would think that way, but I am glad our ex's have both moved on. Its the baby more than anything that is an issue and a reminder, and clearly its not going to just go away, when she lives probably about 10 minutes away from us.

You can't live in guilt, you can't accept that finally you are happy and have what you wanted and still do this to yourself? The only one that is going to be brought down by it all is you, deep breathe, thank your lucky stars you got out of all the above move on and be ultra happy with your kids in the future, the present and the future stick to that
Thank you. The theory is there and I am SO happy with him, and he is with me, and we both regret hurting other people but guilt is just one of those emotions that is very difficult to shake off I guess

Life can get messy sometimes, but for gods sake stop looking at her FB page....... it won't achieve anything.
I am determined to stop doing this. It is achieving absolutely nothing and is making me miserable. I will block her immediately.

But why the guilt that your OH chooses not to see his child? As long has you have made it clear that you would welcome the child in your lives then that's his responsibility. (N.B. I do mean actively make sure you tell him the child is welcome, not just ignore the subject or not say anything negative.)
Ah you see its more the second one. I just don't say anything negative. As awful as I may sound I would not welcome the baby into my home, though to be honest neither would his mother want him in my home. If my boyfriend wanted to see him, I can't say I would just be fine with it, though I wouldn't stop it. I know that sounds horrible and its not the baby's fault who either of his parents are, but I can't control that part of me. I'll say it - I am glad he doesn't see the baby because it would complicate our lives and invite people in that I don't want to be in our lives. There would be a baby there that was younger than our relationship so it would invite questions from outside I would not want to answer. What was said about me not being a horrible person!?!

CantMoveOn

warehouse wrote: »

You know what my first thought was? He's obviously got a Christmas bash coming up and you don't trust him.

As others have said already, you need to move.

Hah no definitely not that. His xmas party has been and gone and was only a few miles away at an organised event. He came home at the end of it. We're not going to move so we just need to put up with it.

CantMoveOn

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Maybe your partner feels the same so talk to him - maybe he is not having anything to do with his son for your sake.

I think it is because of me but also because he really hates the girl and the fact she (not singlehandedly clearly) threatened our relationship

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Did you ask your OH about the one night stand, or was it a relationship with the mother of baby and deep down you know that so are feeling insecure and like he has cheated on you?

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this bit. Its that I don't know thats really tearing me up, and I feel like he won't tell me the truth. He's adament it wasn't a relationship but says she maybe thought she was seeing him for a couple of weeks. In my heart I know it was a relationship

flutterby_lil

I have been through similar - the not knowing does tear you apart. At the min you are trying to forget about it but I feel you can't....

CantMoveOn

flutterby_lil wrote: »

I have been through similar - the not knowing does tear you apart. At the min you are trying to forget about it but I feel you can't....

And how did you get over that?

victory

I can see now you have answered everyone posting it on this thread has helped you and you can see it from other people's perspective, keep posting and it will become clearer.:D

CantMoveOn

victory wrote: »

I can see now you have answered everyone posting it on this thread has helped you and you can see it from other people's perspective, keep posting and it will become clearer.:D

Cheers m'dears.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He's cheated on three women - his OH with you, the mother of his child with you and you with the mother of his child.

I can understand a reluctance to believe everything is fine now and he'll never behave in that way again.