feeling very down

firesidemaid

hi there

you have made this move and should be very proud of yourself and your strength - hold on to that at this time.

Social services will be able to help you with benefits and interim/emergency payments and the CAB or CCCS will really be able to put all that interest on your debts on hold.

You will emerge from this and in a few months time you will look back and see how far you will have come - and you have come so far within just a week.

i advise lots of kisses and love from your dogs too xx

rainbowrisin

rinkydink wrote:

Dont know what to say cos of all the support im getting from you guys, i just need to get through this weekend, i was doing so well up untill today its the prospect of sorting all the finances out and getting a job that is priority. And feeling so lonely today i just think that is going to get worse especially as i dont have the means financially to do anything and i know my debts are going to get worse just by missing a months payment with interest and charges etc. Why the hell am i missing such an a****** i dont understand all i can think of is the good times yet i spent the last two years at least wondering how i would ever escape now i have and its wrecked me. i soooo need to stop feeling like that, is it normal to be kind of greiving for such a T***** ? after all im free to come and go as i please and once i get job life will be peachy (ish) some one talk some sense and tell me whats going on in my brain

It's completely normal. Don't want to take this off topic, so pm me if it would help. I'm not a DV counsellor or anything but I am a DV survivor and how I see it is like this:
When you're in a relationship living with DV, it's as if your brain splits in half. One half (the "normal" half, whatever that is) is saying "This is well out of order. Hitting me / the children, constantly calling me names, shouting, wrecking the furniture, threats are not part of a loving relationship, and if a friend of mine told me this was going on I'd tell her to get out and sharpish."

The other half (the bit he's got control of) is saying "But he doesn't mean it; He's got a drink / drugs / stress / mental health issue; Maybe if I didn't do x, y, z then this wouldn't happen; maybe counselling would help; maybe it's just a phase" and so on.

If you stayed in the relationship and thought with the "normal" bit of your brain, then you'd loose the plot, as it isn't rational to stay in a DV relationship, unyet you do it. So the "controlled bit" makes excuses and tries to rationalise it to keep you sane.

When you get out (and you are a brave, strong woman to be pressing charges and keeping this "man" out of your life:j :j Well done hun, it's very hard and you are sooooo brave, and I'm so very proud of you), there's still the "controlled" bit of the brain to deal with...IMHO it takes a few months, years or whatever to become "de-programmed".

DV is not about love, it's about control. I bet if I wrote a list of threats he's made you'd recognise them - not because I know you or him, but because the list is fairly standard to abusers. I could write a list of what my ex did / said / threatened and I would bet £50 (and I'm very tight with money and not a gambling woman:eek: ) that you'd recognise quite a few.

It is okay to feel like this. It's completely normal as you're just thinking the same way you did in the relationship. You needed to think like that in the relationship to survive...but it's okay not to think like that now.

I will do my Terminator bit now "NEVER, EVER, GO BACK".

I hope this helps. As I say, I'm not a DV expert (except I am because I lived in a violent relationship for more than a decade), but that's how I see it and seeing it like that helps me to re-focus and sort things out in my head.

I hope that helps. Please pm me if you want.

janiegs

I wish you lived near me. My husband works away and it is horrible at weekends. Everybody is doing family stuff.

You could come and keep warm and have lots of coffee at my house, and let my two year old bend your ear for a bit (he never stops talking).

My mum kept going back to her violent husband until he punched her in the face and she died of a brain haemorrhage. You may be skint etc, but at least your son will never have to face that. Big hugs to you, and stay strong.

scaredy_cat_2

don't really have any pearls of widom for debts as i am new to this - but just thought i would say hi and that thinking of you - i think feeling lonely is a horrible feeling so look at some of the threads and keep yourself busy, take care

sanfrancisco

You need to try and compartmentalize and prioritize all the issues you are currently facing. It is understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed.

This is how I would compartmentalize all the issues:

1. Job - Start Monday. Take anything you can get, just to get some normality in your life. Supermarket, shop etc.

2. Debts - Ring CCCS Monday. Get them to sort out all the CC and loans and OD. I know this is a futile thing to say, but try not to worry about all the unsecured debts.

3. Violence - You need some counselling (sp?) and ongoing support. Contact local support group. Try to do it this week.

4. Lonliness - You are clearly having a bad weekend. Try to arrange things for next weekend and those following, so this does not happpen again for a while. Maybe even a Sat job.

There are others things, but the above things seem to be priorities that you can/should try to do this week. In the coming months you need to look at divorce, help for your son, etc etc.

rinkydink_2

Thanks janiegs thats really kind of you im so glad i decided to come on here its really helped to have a bit of company xxxx i so am not a feel sorry for myself person usually but i just cant kick that feeling today

janeawej

nothing to add realy to everyone elses advise, but to say im here and if you want to pm me to chat please do, Jane

crawley_girl

Hey ho

I'm back. It's been a bit frantic here, my flatmate has been having tummy pains and has been rushed up to hospital with suspected ruptured appendix (sp?).

What you been up to these evening so far rinkydink? Got the box on?

janiegs

There was an element of self-preservation....days spent in the company of a constantly talking two year old can be exhausting as you no doubt know. Who, what, where, when......it would be nice for him to ask someone else a few questions, lol. You'd be most welcome!!!

crawley_girl

I also used to work as a supported housing officer and worked with someone who had experienced DV. I seem to recall that they had a landline, which accepted incoming calls only and this was paid for by social services or similar. May be worth asking about during the week.