The New Me And Our Quest To Become Debt Free And Have Self Belief

kathfisch

Its a tough one weller, I don't know what I would do! You don't want your little boy hurt by her but you don't want to bring him up to hate her cos that's not healthy either.

I did not know as a young child that my mum did not get on with her mum. I loved seeing my grandparents and I'm sure my mum loved seeing me happy with them they are lovely people and they only visit britain for about 2 months of every year, so it wasn't exactly an everyday issue. I gradually realised, through being more aware and hearing my parents talk, that my mum was very upset by her mum, mainly by things from the past (I still don't know what :rolleyes: ). To be honest, it confused me. I loved my mum but I didn't understand why she didn't love her mum the same way (can you see the small child logic there.... ) and I felt confused cos my gran seemed lovely to me. As an adult I can see some things that I couldn't then but not a lot I think I would have felt better as a child if my mum had explained that she didn't always get on well with her mum but that its ok because people have disagreements but they still love each other. And for her to say that it was ok for me to love them (maybe not in those words!) because I felt, and still feel, some kind of torn loyalty. Should I not like my gran because she upset my mum, is it disloyal to my mum if I like seeing my gran?

Sorry to waffle on .... your situation is quite different (your mum is very controlling and deceitful for a start) and I don't know how relevant my experience is to you but I thought I would share it anyway!!

Maybe you can find a way (eventually) to explain to Samuel - in the letters for when he's older or now - that you don't get on very well with her at the moment but everyone still loves eachother etc. I don't know how I would phrase it though as I don't have kids!!

Kath x

MinnieSpender

Grrr! Just typed you a reply and then crashed out of my 'puter!

What I was going to say was be careful of what you write to Samuel in these letters. Things may change in the months and years to come and it may be best to stay positive for your little boy and for yourself.

Just my thoughts.

foolishme

weller171 you are such a honest and strong person, its sad that this attracts both good and bad people, but your coming out triumphant!!!

but in regards to your last post about the diary,my mom was in v.similar situation as you, especialy the covering for her mums 'friends', anyhow she never told us till we were much older. My grandmother had a series of strokes and my mum became her primary carer, this bought a lot of my mums issues with her mum out in the open.

this though never affected our relationship with our nan. What it did do was open our eyes to how fortunate we were to get a mum like ours.

i havent really got advice as such but jus thought it might be an oppurtunity to get perspective of an older version of your sam.

LookingAhead

I love the idea of the letters - that's genius!

For what it's worth, my immediate reaction was to think "One day Samuel will be an adult and will be wanting to be treated like an adult and he deserves to know the truth."

I think you can type the letter with the truth in it, but just be careful how you word it. Do not let it be angry, bitter or attacking - just factual.

Good luck with it, and as I say LOVE the idea & think your children will love it too when the time comes to read them.

elantan

i think the fact that you are not gonna give those letters to your son till he leaves home youshould do it ...by that time he will have worked out what she is like anyway and atleast this way he wont be feeling like he is to blame etc...i would go for it ...but that's only my opinion...i'm wishng now though that i had thought of it before i had my son fantastic idea

cazziej

Lisa, with regard to Sam's next letter. I think I would either type 2 versions, one including recent events and one without, keep them in the box and see what develops, instinct will tell you what to do. Or, I would type the letter and make it consist of two pages, with the 2nd page being devoted to the current problems with your mum. Make the first page look as though it has ended, so if you do decide NOT to give him the 2 pages, he won't be wondering what has happened, but alternatively, if you DO decide to tell him warts and all, the 2nd page can just flow on from the first.

Time will tell what is right, but at least you will have the option. You come accross as being very sensible and I am sure you will make the right decision for your little boy. It sounds as though you have a lovely family (not including She Devil of course!:eek: ) and that you deserve it.

I wish you well for the future.

Best wishes

Carol

janiegs

Put it in a seperate letter. That way you can chuck it if you have to. Just make sure you mark the envelope so you know which one it is

Dumyat

I would leave her out, say nothing.
keep it to his life within your family. how well he's done at school, all about his baby sister, and how he slept with his wellies.
you can fill in the rest when he's older. I think its such a sweet idea and to put all that poison in it would spoil it.

Claudie

dogrose wrote:

I would leave her out, say nothing.
keep it to his life within your family. how well he's done at school, all about his baby sister, and how he slept with his wellies.
you can fill in the rest when he's older. I think its such a sweet idea and to put all that poison in it would spoil it.

Well I just spent the last hour reading this thread and I can only say a huge Well Done to you Lisa. You have done so well this last week, you should be very proud of yourself indeed :A

I love the idea of letters for your son. I would suggest you keep Sam's letters just for Sam - make them something just for him to keep to be proud of - and he will be proud of himself and v v proud of his Mum who loved him so much.

I have kept a journal for my son who is almost the same age as your Sam. I have made it just full of happy memories, funny stories etc. Some days I write a full page, other days I just jot down funny things he says.

And I really loved the idea of printing out the post where you were saying how strong you felt - keep it to remind yourself how well you've done.

As you are keeping letters for your children - have you ever thought of keeping them for yourself? We used to do an exercise where we wrote down two or three things every day that made us feel good. It didn't have to be long or anything materialistic - could be as simple as 1. a hug 2. a Twix and 3. my new friends think I am very strong. Focusing on the positive really helps improve your positive thinking. You have been really strong.

And I wish I could share a Baileys with you!

Best wishes and take care.

jobbingmusician

I don't think you have said when you are thinking of giving Sam his letters (perhaps I didn't read carefully enough ) I thought it might be a good idea to write to him about your mum and put it into a letter for him to read when he is MUCH older - together with a copy of this thread, so he can get to know you really well. Just a suggestion - what do you think?