Am I right to be annoyed about mum?

zebusi

Hi,

I had a baby just over 7 months ago and have recently been feeling very low, crying lots, don't want to leave the house or see anyone, suspect pnd will go to docs but one thing that has got me really upset is the fact that not once since DS was born have my parents, mum especially as she doesn't work, come to see us of their own volition.

It's bugging me that despite living only a few minutes away she has never once thought "oh i'll pop in" especially if i've been on the phone and said we've had bad night or whatever, especially in the early days.

I don't want this to become an issue between us but i feel like we've just been left to get on with it, (without wanting that to sound childish) I realise this is parenting but first baby and some help at times would have been nice, even just to say go have a bath, lie down, etc while she's there for an hour..

am i been unreasonable?
hubby says not to make an argument out of it but also that he expected my mum to be here more given we were close, used to go shopping quite a bit together and proximity.

Feel like she wouldn't see DS if we didn't go to her.
The thing is i know if I asked she would look after him no problems but i guess i'd just like her to think sometimes it would be nice for me to have some timeout, hubby is out at work 12 hrs a day and the only break i get seems to be the supermarket once a week.
That sounds very whingy but like a friend said to me you wouldn't be expected to do a new job all day with no break or support??

I'm not sure i've expressed this very well but i'm late 30's and miss my mum and have had tears the last few weeks over this, she rings my SIL every day to see how her other grandkids are but only rings us maybe once a week if I haven't seen her or rang her first...perhaps i'm thinking too much about it and blowing it out of proportion but i don't even think i could speak to her at the minute without tears...

sorry so long a post

victory

Does she feel left out?

Have you given her the impression yo uare coping you are happy, you are o top of things and you do not need her help at all?

Does mum know you have been crying and upset over this, have you talked to her about it?

Does she feel that maybe she is intruding, learning from the other times she had to maybe feel she had to step back and wait ot be asked, you did say that she would happily have your child?

Plans_all_plans

zebusi wrote: »

.

am i been unreasonable?

The thing is i know if I asked she would look after him no problems but i guess i'd just like her to think sometimes it would be nice for me to have some timeout

While I wouldn't quite say unreasonable, I feel you may be being unrealistic. Your mum isn't a mind reader and it looks as though you are going to have to spell it out to her. Tell her your problems, reach out and ask for help.

My mum leaves me to get on with everything too. I like to think that it's because they've just got so much confidence that they've brought us up to be self-sufficient.

You can't expect your mum to know what you want. It might be nice of her to offer, but if she doesn't know about your struggles then she has her own life to lead too.

I hope you feel better soon...it's not easy being a parent. Best of luck.

meritaten

Its just a thought hun - but is she trying so hard not to interfere she is coming across as 'standoffish'? Mums and MILs have to tread a very fine line - as you should know from all the posts on here about us!
you say you used to be close - why not phone mum and ask her to come round for coffee and start reminiscing about when you went shopping etc........tell her you miss those days and you miss HER! see what she says............she may have found a new shopping companion or she may be sitting home alone feeling depressed! you both need to talk - and you CAN ask mum to come round you know - she may be happy to come round and 'mind' the baby so you can take a bath or tidy up - but is waiting to be 'ASKED'!

Nicki

Maybe she had a bad experience with her own mum "popping in" unannounced all the time when her own children were little and doesn't want to do the same to you. Your SIL may have explicitly told her that she is welcome to come round when she wants, or to phone every day?

I had bad PND after my second child and it sucks. I think you are right to get medical help as soon as you can, and the PND will be making you feel worse about all this, and will also make it harder for you to broach this subject with your mum because it does mess with how you conduct all your close relationships. But if you can, you should tell your mum how you feel, particularly if you were close before the baby arrived, because I am sure she will be there like a shot for you, and that she will also be able to reassure you that you have not been deliberately rejected.

Zoetoes

It sounds like you want your mum to want to come and see you and the baby, not just to help you out but to visit and take an interest, I don't think you're being unreasonable and even if you weren't feeling down it'd be nice to have some help?

Your mum maybe just hasn't thought about it, perhaps you could just ask for help one time and then maybe it will start the ball rolling?

victory

plans is right while you feel one way and told your OH about it have you actually told your mum?

How is she supposed to know your thoughts/struggles/state of mind unless you tell her, you may be very surprised at her reaction when she does know, she is what shall we say innocent in all this because she has no facts to go on, I am sure if you tell her, explain it then everything will be different and please get help with the pnd, it i
s not easy to think rationally with it

wantnomoneyworries

Your mum may feel like she's interfering if she offers help and is trying to give you your space? Maybe if you could just bring yourself to say that you need help she will probably jump at the opportunity to do so.
Also it sounds to me like you may be suffering from postnatal depression to be feeling weepy and at a loss are often symptoms of this.It might also be worth a visit to your doctor if you can to talk about it.
Please try and talk to your mum tears or not - I'm sure she will try and be there for you.
Hugs to you

zebusi

victory wrote: »

Does she feel left out?

Have you given her the impression yo uare coping you are happy, you are o top of things and you do not need her help at all?

Does mum know you have been crying and upset over this, have you talked to her about it?

Does she feel that maybe she is intruding, learning from the other times she had to maybe feel she had to step back and wait ot be asked, you did say that she would happily have your child?

i don't think she feels left out
I tell her when we've had a bad night etc and ring her to ask questions quite a bit when i'm not sure of things, have asked her to go shopping with me on numerous times once hubby is in from work but she's only said yes once

the only person who knows how i've been feeling is hubby, i don't want to upset her when i'm sure she'd be distraught to even think i was feeling this bad or upset over it. I don't want to cause any ill feeling if you like.

victory

zebusi wrote: »

i don't think she feels left out
I tell her when we've had a bad night etc and ring her to ask questions quite a bit when i'm not sure of things, have asked her to go shopping with me on numerous times once hubby is in from work but she's only said yes once

the only person who knows how i've been feeling is hubby, i don't want to upset her when i'm sure she'd be distraught to even think i was feeling this bad or upset over it. I don't want to cause any ill feeling if you like.

IF you have an open, happy relationship with your mum usually she would consider it to be even more of a problem for her not to know, not to help you, not to be there for you when you need her, you don't know how she is going to react to anything until you talk to her, if not write to her, if not text her or email her, tell her how you feel, if she is your mum, confidant and friend she will want to know.

Valli

How was your relationship with your mum before you had the baby?
How did she react when she found out you were pregnant?
Did you ever chat about when baby arrived (plans and stuff)?