Am I right to be annoyed about mum?

thistledome

Humphrey10 wrote: »

Even without a new baby I'd not want a relative to turn up on my doorstep unannounced.

OP just tell her you want her to visit.

Me too, unannounced rellies not welcome. But the sole exception is my old Mum :A, She'd be welcome any time day or night.

Agree with others OP, ask your Mum for help and make it clear you need her and want her around. Best of luck and let us know how you get on.

neverdespairgirl

thorsoak wrote: »

My dear MiL could wind me up by just picking up a duster! I know she only wanted to help - but to me, it was criticism that my house was dusty!

My mother used to talk about needing to "whitewash the coal" before my Nanna (her MIL) came to stay.

She would sigh, and say things like, "This room could look so nice, Elizabeth, if you'd only...."

desert_rose

These days, those of us with grown-up kids and grand-kids, have been made very aware very recently, that we're not really wanted, have old fashioned ideas about child raising, can be seen to be interfering and its best if we remain invisible really!

And so....its very, very hard for us to actually just pop in without an invite. After all, the wisdom of an older woman isn't really respected any more so we cling on to what little bit of dignity we have left....

Just a thought!

renegade

desert_rose wrote: »

These days, those of us with grown-up kids and grand-kids, have been made very aware very recently, that we're not really wanted, have old fashioned ideas about child raising, can be seen to be interfering and its best if we remain invisible really!

And so....its very, very hard for us to actually just pop in without an invite. After all, the wisdom of an older woman isn't really respected any more so we cling on to what little bit of dignity we have left....

Just a thought!

My thoughts exactly, but we are always expected to be there for free baby sitting!

lilac_lady

Maybe your Mum is a little bit jealous because your time is taken up with your baby? IMO she shouldn't need an invitation to see her grandchild and it would be motherly if she asked if you needed any help.

emsywoo123

OP my heart goes out to you.

I had DS 13 months ago, and my mum *really* is not interested. When I was tired/ill/needed a chat (particularly in the beginning) she told me she was finding it very stressful with me phoning (once) a day, and could I just text instead!

I am a single parent, was not able to drive due to section and then snow, and I felt very isolated.

She still doesn't pop in, would only see him if I go round there, and has not looked after him ONCE in 13 months

Oh and she lives 4 miles away and doesn't work either.

doodoot

Zebusi, try doing the following.

Give her a call, tell her how you feel as though the world is on your shoulders...and you could do with her nipping round to give you a cuddle and some reassurance.

My mum was the same when I had my first son, she thought she was intruding and I never told her I was struggling - we were the same as you in that we used to go out shopping and were close.

Once I told her she was horrified that she hadn't picked up my signals.

She's your mum, she was there for you before your baby was born...she will be there for you again when you tell her how you aren't coping.

Trust me.

PND is terrible to work through, but once you have mum on your side it will help you to get through it.

January20

renegade wrote: »

My thoughts exactly, but we are always expected to be there for free baby sitting!

I agree with this, and although I am not a grandmother, my impression from reading posts on this forum is pretty much that young parents are expecting a lot of input from their parents/ parents in law but these have to tread so carefully so as not to put their nose out of joint. I hope if/ when my dd has children our relationship will not become like that. That would make me so sad.

I'm probably going to be flamed down for this but anyway... this is your child, you chose to have him/ her, so why would you expect your mother to help? When I had my dd, my parents were in another country and her father and I just got on with it, and if we needed help we asked for it, but we didn't expect it. We didn't feel a sense of entitlement that others should take over the responsibility!

You say you would like some time out? Well, welcome to parenthood. It's a full time job 24/7, with no holidays until your child is old enough to be independent. Your mother raised her family, perhaps she doesn't want to have anymore input than she has as the moment? Nothing would be wrong with that.

You say you suspect you have pnd, do you think that could make you feel more sensitive? If you felt 100%, perhaps you would be more open with your mother, ask for her help?

And when I read posts saying people don't like their relatives to turn up unannounced, I am saddened. We are becoming so insular. Eventually, we are going to be so lonely. My friends and relatives are welcome to turn up at my home whenever they want. I love the surprise of a loved face on my doorstep!

Person_one

desert_rose wrote: »

These days, those of us with grown-up kids and grand-kids, have been made very aware very recently, that we're not really wanted, have old fashioned ideas about child raising, can be seen to be interfering and its best if we remain invisible really!

And so....its very, very hard for us to actually just pop in without an invite. After all, the wisdom of an older woman isn't really respected any more so we cling on to what little bit of dignity we have left....

Just a thought!

This is a bit of a generalisation.

All the young mums I know who had a previously good relationship with their mums or MILs have continued to after having babies.

The bolded bit is where you're probably going wrong! Every generation has new ideas, I'm sure it was the same when you had your babies. Respect their decisions regarding their children and just be supportive and helpful!

neverdespairgirl

January20 wrote: »

I'm probably going to be flamed down for this but anyway... this is your child, you chose to have him/ her, so why would you expect your mother to help? When I had my dd, my parents were in another country and her father and I just got on with it, and if we needed help we asked for it, but we didn't expect it. We didn't feel a sense of entitlement that others should take over the responsibility!

I expected my mother to help out, to be honest. Because that's how my family is - my grandparents came to stay for about 6 weeks each time my mother had a baby (and she had 4 of us) and therefore it seemed like how things were likely to be.

January20 wrote: »

And when I read posts saying people don't like their relatives to turn up unannounced, I am saddened. We are becoming so insular. Eventually, we are going to be so lonely. My friends and relatives are welcome to turn up at my home whenever they want. I love the surprise of a loved face on my doorstep!

Not quite "whenever they want" for me. I prefer my relatives to visit during waking hours.

I agree with you, though - my Dad often rings as he's about to leave work to suggest he pops round for 15 or 20 minutes, to see if we're in. Which is great.