Am I right to be annoyed about mum?

kettlefish

I have a 6 week old DD and it is bl00dy hard work - although I love being a mummy. As yet, my DH and I haven't had "help" as such from my mum and dad, although their unwavering emotional support has been invaluable, and I absolutely know that they would step in to the breach if we ever needed them, and all it'd take would be a phone call. On the other hand, despite my mum being my best friend and a wonderful mother, I would be mortified if she came round and ordered me to go and have a bath / let her do the washing up / told me she was bringing round groceries. I'd also be pretty pee'd off if she turned up unannounced - although I know she'd never judge, I like (need?) 5 minutes warning to get out of my dressing gown or take out the dirty plates.

What if your mum thinks you are like me? What if you're doing such a good job of covering up the way you're feeling, and she in fact feels pushed out? I expect your lovely mum just wants to do what's best by you, and doesn't want to interfere or knock your confidence by taking over.

I also think you should talk to your mum as a priority and tell her your worries re PND - I'm not denying it's a very real possibility, and well done you for identifying this and thinking about seeking help - but it's also possible that you are just very down and upset about a particular issue (ie: this).

Good luck and ((((hugs))))

zebusi

Zoetoes wrote: »

It sounds like you want your mum to want to come and see you and the baby, not just to help you out but to visit and take an interest, I don't think you're being unreasonable and even if you weren't feeling down it'd be nice to have some help?

Your mum maybe just hasn't thought about it, perhaps you could just ask for help one time and then maybe it will start the ball rolling?

thank you that sums it up really

zebusi

peachyprice wrote: »

This bit OP ^^

Did you discuss with your mum before the baby was born how much she was going to get involved.

I know my mum would be there in a heartbeat if I needed her but I have friends whose mums take the same view as above. They've been told in no uncertain terms 'it's your baby, deal with it', they don't want to be involved with another baby, having done their bit when they were younger.

How was she before the baby, was she making noises like she would be there all the time?

One other thing I did think is that just maybe she thinks that you need to get out of the house, perhaps she can see you're not wanting to go out but if she came to you you'd never leave the house, which isn't healthy for you or your baby.

a lot of posts are going down the "it's your baby deal with it" opinion

This is never how it was with mum and me, she was thrilled when i said i was pregnant, hinted she would be around, straight away offered to child mind when i go back to work, the only thing i can remember her saying is that she wouldn't visit much when hubby was on paternity so we could have time together but rightly or wrongly i presumed this meant she would visit after that

zebusi

just to update

been to the docs this afternoon, had nice long chat about how i was feeling about stuff, lots of questions asked, came away with diagnosis pnd and ad's for a few weeks.

after talking to hubby i'm not sure i'm ready to speak to mum about this yet, I really don't want my emotional state at present to make a bigger issue out of this than it perhaps is? I don't want to upset her or cause a falling out and i'm sure we'll get to spend more time together once baby is older and not as demanding.

I think it just hasn't occured to her to ever come to us, we always visit her, all her kids do so why should I have expected some additional help just because I had a baby? i'll just keep going to see her once or twice a week and hopefully will feel better soon..

Mojisola

zebusi wrote: »

This is never how it was with mum and me, she was thrilled when i said i was pregnant, hinted she would be around, straight away offered to child mind when i go back to work, the only thing i can remember her saying is that she wouldn't visit much when hubby was on paternity so we could have time together but rightly or wrongly i presumed this meant she would visit after that

zebusi wrote: »

after talking to hubby i'm not sure i'm ready to speak to mum about this yet, I really don't want my emotional state at present to make a bigger issue out of this than it perhaps is? I don't want to upset her or cause a falling out and i'm sure we'll get to spend more time together once baby is older and not as demanding.

I think it just hasn't occured to her to ever come to us, we always visit her, all her kids do so why should I have expected some additional help just because I had a baby? i'll just keep going to see her once or twice a week and hopefully will feel better soon..

It sounds as if you and your Mum don't communicate very well. She "hinted" she'd come round. Maybe she misread your reaction to her hints and doesn't think you're going to welcome her.

If you can't do it, why don't you get your husband to phone her, tell her you've been to the GPs and would really appreciate some extra help? Don't make a big issue of it. No need to react emotionally.

meritaten

Why should it cause 'issues' zebusi? you are struggling, you need help, you want mums help! Is there nothing more natural than to ask mum? I dont see why it would be an issue? If she found out later that you had PND, were struggling and felt she was being standoffish - then that WOULD be an issue!

as many of us have said - mums and MILs seem to be firmly in the wrong! Pop in and help out and youre 'interfering' or making new mums feel 'bad'. Wait to be asked and you 'dont care' or 'arent interested'!
I am also a bit concerned that you discuss this with OH and he seems to feel the way you do - has HE got PND too? why doesnt HE ring your mum and ask for a bit of support for you - isnt he concerned about you struggling? instead its almost as if he wants your mum to stay away.........sorry if I have that wrong, but its the impression I get from what YOU yourself have said.

If I found out that my daughter or Daughters In Law were struggling with coping with baby, PND,and a decision was actually taken NOT to tell me,( because I was mistakenly thinking I was doing right by not interfering and as I hadnt been told anything to the contrary), then I would feel totally devastated! I would be soooooo HURT! it may well then cause a falling out which could damage the relationship for a long time!!!!

meganandben

I think that she might be thinking that you are doing / want to do things by yourself, and is trying to leave you to it. She might be secretly missing you as much as you are missing her. I would try discussing it with her.

bestpud

The trouble with PND is we hide it from people.

It's difficult to admit you aren't coping when a new baby is supposed to leave you feeling overwhelmed with love and happiness.

In reality, it's bloody hard work and PND can make it a living hell.

Having been there myself, I can say hand on heart, I would not hide my PND if I had my time again. They are only babies for a very short time and it all seems totally different when you look back.

I only confided in my OH too and even he didn't get the full picture.

Just tell her how you feel. She may or may not step up and offer practical help, but it may help just to talk anyway. Maybe your OH could go with you to tell her?

January20

zebusi wrote: »

just to update

been to the docs this afternoon, had nice long chat about how i was feeling about stuff, lots of questions asked, came away with diagnosis pnd and ad's for a few weeks.

after talking to hubby i'm not sure i'm ready to speak to mum about this yet, I really don't want my emotional state at present to make a bigger issue out of this than it perhaps is? I don't want to upset her or cause a falling out and i'm sure we'll get to spend more time together once baby is older and not as demanding.

I think it just hasn't occured to her to ever come to us, we always visit her, all her kids do so why should I have expected some additional help just because I had a baby? i'll just keep going to see her once or twice a week and hopefully will feel better soon..

Surely, you can tell your mother about your pnd and the fact you need some help? If my daughter was in your situation, I would want her to ask me for help. You don't have to upset her, you just tell her you are struggling and please could she help? Could she do this and that for you? Could she visit? Whatever you need.

Don't compare yourself to your mother's other kids. Every one of you is an individual with different needs.

CH27

zebusi wrote: »

just to update

been to the docs this afternoon, had nice long chat about how i was feeling about stuff, lots of questions asked, came away with diagnosis pnd and ad's for a few weeks.

after talking to hubby i'm not sure i'm ready to speak to mum about this yet, I really don't want my emotional state at present to make a bigger issue out of this than it perhaps is? I don't want to upset her or cause a falling out and i'm sure we'll get to spend more time together once baby is older and not as demanding.

I think it just hasn't occured to her to ever come to us, we always visit her, all her kids do so why should I have expected some additional help just because I had a baby? i'll just keep going to see her once or twice a week and hopefully will feel better soon..

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face hun.