Am I right to be annoyed about mum?

lostinrates

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I agree with you, though - my Dad often rings as he's about to leave work to suggest he pops round for 15 or 20 minutes, to see if we're in. Which is great.

that's a crucial difference for me. A call to say ''are you about and not busy....I'm five/ten mins from you'' or ''I'd love to pop in...in half an hour'' are welcomed always, even if the answer is that I'm sorry I'm busy....but a ring on the door bell for me with no warning is sometimes a PITA and leaves me feeling wrong footed and that I wish I'd had five minutes to put some make up on/put away the personal financial stuff I've been working on/throw the hoover around or just ha the opportunity to say....not now.

Oldernotwiser

lostinrates wrote: »

that's a crucial difference for me. A call to say ''are you about and not busy....I'm five/ten mins from you'' or ''I'd love to pop in...in half an hour'' are welcomed always, even if the answer is that I'm sorry I'm busy....but a ring on the door bell for me with no warning is sometimes a PITA and leaves me feeling wrong footed and that I wish I'd had five minutes to put some make up on/put away the personal financial stuff I've been working on/throw the hoover around or just ha the opportunity to say....not now.

Agreed. A quick phone call costs very little and can be the difference between a welcome and someone hiding behind the sofa when the door bell rings!

neverdespairgirl

lostinrates wrote: »

that's a crucial difference for me. A call to say ''are you about and not busy....I'm five/ten mins from you'' or ''I'd love to pop in...in half an hour'' are welcomed always, even if the answer is that I'm sorry I'm busy....but a ring on the door bell for me with no warning is sometimes a PITA and leaves me feeling wrong footed and that I wish I'd had five minutes to put some make up on/put away the personal financial stuff I've been working on/throw the hoover around or just ha the opportunity to say....not now.

Yes, I agree. In fact, my relatives and friends are far more likely to say, "I'm in the area, are you around in 5 mins" by phone than just to ring the doorbell.

milliemonster

I tend to agree with January20 here, it may be that your mum as much as she loves you, just doesn't want to be 'that' involved?, my own mother would never just pop in, she and my dad felt that they had brought us up and now was their time to do what they wanted, they just didn't want to be tied down with their grandkids like they were their own children, they would rarely babysit for us but we were welcome to go to theirs anytime they were in and they adored their grandkids.

I'm not saying your mum does feel like this but unless you speak to her about it you won't know for sure? It may just be that she doesn't realise you need some help? I felt a lot like you when my children were very young, but I didn't get the help I needed from anyone and just had to get on with it, it's hard bringing kids up when you feel so isolated, not everyone has a supportive family around them, my parents were very much of the opinion that they were my kids, I chose to have them and they had noone to give them a break when we were young so why should I have that?, some people are just like that I'm afraid

January20

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I expected my mother to help out, to be honest. Because that's how my family is - my grandparents came to stay for about 6 weeks each time my mother had a baby (and she had 4 of us) and therefore it seemed like how things were likely to be.

I agree with the bit I've put in bold. If and when my dd has children, I will make sure she knows I am there - always - to help her out if she needs me, because that's what family does, but I would not want to lose my life and my freedom. I work with older ladies and it is amazing the amount of babysitting and help they give their offspring, often to the detriment of their own social lives. I know of one lady whose timetable is completely restricted because she has to drop off and pick up her grand-daughter at school. She can't go on days out with her friends because she is so tied. In my opinion, this is unfair, and she can't say know really can she? because then she will labelled bad, uncaring, grandmother.

neverdespairgirl

January20 wrote: »

I agree with the bit I've put in bold. If and when my dd has children, I will make sure she knows I am there - always - to help her out if she needs me, because that's what family does, but I would not want to lose my life and my freedom. I work with older ladies and it is amazing the amount of babysitting and help they give their offspring, often to the detriment of their own social lives. I know of one lady whose timetable is completely restricted because she has to drop off and pick up her grand-daughter at school. She can't go on days out with her friends because she is so tied. In my opinion, this is unfair, and she can't say know really can she? because then she will labelled bad, uncaring, grandmother.

I agree.

My parents spend a good deal of time with Isaac, but it's when we go to stay with them for Christmas / Easter / summer holidays / half-terms, or Sunday afternoons & evenings if we go over.

My Mama offered, when Isaac was born, to be our back-up childcare option. And she's looked after him for a few days, when our nanny was ill or needed time off (such as when her mother died, earlier this year). But that's a far cry from doing it week-in, week-out.

She did come and stay when I came out of hospital, though, for about a fortnight. Which was fantastic.

peachyprice

January20 wrote: »

I'm probably going to be flamed down for this but anyway... this is your child, you chose to have him/ her, so why would you expect your mother to help? When I had my dd, my parents were in another country and her father and I just got on with it, and if we needed help we asked for it, but we didn't expect it. We didn't feel a sense of entitlement that others should take over the responsibility!

You say you would like some time out? Well, welcome to parenthood. It's a full time job 24/7, with no holidays until your child is old enough to be independent. Your mother raised her family, perhaps she doesn't want to have anymore input than she has as the moment? Nothing would be wrong with that.

This bit OP ^^

Did you discuss with your mum before the baby was born how much she was going to get involved.

I know my mum would be there in a heartbeat if I needed her but I have friends whose mums take the same view as above. They've been told in no uncertain terms 'it's your baby, deal with it', they don't want to be involved with another baby, having done their bit when they were younger.

How was she before the baby, was she making noises like she would be there all the time?

One other thing I did think is that just maybe she thinks that you need to get out of the house, perhaps she can see you're not wanting to go out but if she came to you you'd never leave the house, which isn't healthy for you or your baby.

lostinrates

January20 wrote: »

I agree with the bit I've put in bold. If and when my dd has children, I will make sure she knows I am there - always - to help her out if she needs me, because that's what family does, but I would not want to lose my life and my freedom. I work with older ladies and it is amazing the amount of babysitting and help they give their offspring, often to the detriment of their own social lives. I know of one lady whose timetable is completely restricted because she has to drop off and pick up her grand-daughter at school. She can't go on days out with her friends because she is so tied. In my opinion, this is unfair, and she can't say know really can she? because then she will labelled bad, uncaring, grandmother.

An aquaintance wrote her masters thesis about single mother s and support from family, especially parents. I knew most of the mother's she interviewed....who all moane bout the lack of support they got from their parents and how draining it was etc etc.....I was uually there because I was taking care of the little kids they had no relief from ever, lol. I also know that those who filling in they got no support at all often did get at least a day off a week when their family had kids or provided pick ups/babysitting. It was on reading that I suggested to my parents my sister wasn't quite aware of what had been done for her: she said she had no support whilst LIVING with my parnts for a year and having in house support, and while leaving her kids at my house when my parnts were busy. I had her littlest with a school friend (aged five) who I'd never met for FIVE DAYS (four nights)and I noted the mother of that child wrote in the report she had ''no one to turn to for child care'':mad:

OP's situation, and most I'm sure, is quite different , but it does always make me wonder when peopl (and I) think they haven't got something that its worth reviewing to see ho lucky we really are.

jakes-mum

OP, I would honestly tell your mum how you feel, and crying infront of your own mum is never a bad thing. I am very lucky that my mum has helped me with my children since my son was born 10 years ago as I couldnt cope (we now realise this is due to illness, but were oblivious at the time). My mum pops in most days, just opens the door and walks in, I wouldnt have it any other way. If she hadnt offered her support and time in those early days, my health would have given out much earlier than it did.

We have had our rows, shes sat with me in tears, and left work as ive been so ill I couldnt cope, and she would be heartbroken if I felt I needed help and didnt tell her so. She have given me many talkings too when DH worked away in the week and i'd be up all night with DD as a little'n struggling due to my own health problems and hadnt rung her at 3am, but told her the next day

pukkamum

OP i had the exact same thing with my mum when i had my third child a year ago.
I had a section, couldn't drive and DH had to go back to work after a week.
DH works shifts and the week he went back he was on lates (2-10) so my mum picked the kids up from school for me (she is retired and her partner drives her round) but that is where the help ended.
I was trying to bF a very demanding baby who screamed unless on the boob, make tea get other kids ready for and in bed and i was drowning in a sea of washing cleaning and feeding.

Despite it being obvious i wasn't coping she was nowhere to be seen, even more hurtful as we are very close and often spend a few days a week together.

I didn't say anything because i thought she should 'know' and that she should offer to help and i didn't really want to admit i wasn't coping.

Four months on i was still finding things very hard and i broke down on her and told her i was struggling, well she sprung into action!

Since then (baby is now one) she comes over at least once a week to help clean offers to have baby or just take her for a walk and even does some of my ironing!

When i questioned her as to why it took her so long to help she said she was waiting for me to ask, she didn't want to interfere and didn't want to take over and had no idea i was finding things so tough after all she isn't a mind reader!

Please talk to your mum tell her you are struggling and could do with a hand, if she is anything like my mum she'd love to feel needed again and will take great pleasure in helping you xxx