problem with fairness to kids

newcook

I cant remember the last time I saw my stepbrothers or step sister!!

As far as Im aware my mom and stepdad spend a similar amount on all of us (which in my eyes is still too much – I have always said so long as I get a selection box and a smelly set I am happy as larry! I’d rather they spent the money on themselves!)

victory

Would you be able to say how much each child gets again and what the discrepency is please?

Mrs_Arcanum

Looks like the Husbands family is well off and spends a lot on his children. Where the OP's family is struggling & spends more frugally.

The issue I think the OP has is that her own children do more to help her and the joint children than her husbands three do and she would like this helpfulness recognised, along with some allowance for the overall fairness regardless of finances.

Welshwoofs

From the sounds of this dreadfully complicated family warren, I presume the op's household is 2 x children with latest husband + 3 children by Op's previous + 1 grandchild. So a household of 6 children?

Seems to me that you just spend exactly the same on all 8 kids and whatever those kids get from other people in their extended family is their business. In all honesty Op, you simply sound bitter that your OH's ex has a better off/more generous family than you do. Well such is life. If you start giving your OH's kids far less than your own kids and the kids you have together, then the perception for your OH's kids, no matter what else they get from anyone else, will be that they're simply not as important.

claire16c

cte1111 wrote: »

I think children under 16 generally are given more / larger presents from their relatives than adults. Your 2 eldest children are in their twenties now and it sounds like one of them has a child of their own. I don't think you should be feeling guilty about not being able to afford to buy them laptops.

Your step-children have different extended families to your own children. If those people have more money to spend on them then that's great for them but shouldn't make you feel like your children are missing out. My parents were reasonably well off but I would never have expected a present that cost as much as a laptop.

I agree. My parents are reasonbly well off too, but the type of presents I usually asked for as a teenager were things like CDs, clothing vouchers or perfume. I would never have asked for a laptop, I wouldnt have even considered it. My Dad did buy me one for when I went to uni, and did the same for my sister but we wouldnt have got one otherwise as we had a family pc at home .

I dont think you should feel bad about not getting them stuff like that, especially if they have decided to have their own kids - surely they can buy their own laptops in that case?

Its not fair to begrudge your step kids because they get more spent on them - thats hardly their fault is it.

And if your husband gets money off his parents surely thats a good thing as wouldnt he put it in some kind of joint account/spend it on something for both of you anyway?

elvis86

lyn07 wrote: »

thankyou to all your replies, we have been together for nearly 4 years, people say that when you are adults you get less, but he still gets a £250.00 cheque off his parents, his family are well off but mine arent, we didnt even get any presents off my mums side becaause they cannot afford it, I get paid the working tax credits and the family allowance, I just feel like mine are losing out, while his are gloating about what they have got. Before I got with him i used to spend £50.00 on birthdays and £100 on christmas, but since he split with his ex he has always given them £30.00, I just try and make up for all the help that they give me, as I have a 2 yr old and a 6 month old, and without my 2 eldest girls, I wouldnt have got through. We dont spend christmas day alltogether, in fact his kids have not seen mine since our wedding 2 years ago. x

How exactly do your OH's kids "gloat" if they've not seen your kids in 2 years..?

I think this is really quite straightforward, you and your OH have 8 kids between you, and you should treat them equally at Christmas, regardless of what goes on when the kids are at his ex's house. It's entirely unreasonable of you to expect your OH to reduce the £30 he spends on his kids (who are all still just that, kids, being under 16) in order to buy your 21-year-old a laptop.

Your older kids are adults, and one of them has even deemed him/herself ready to be a parent, there shouldn't be an obligation for their hard-up mum to buy them expensive gifts, especially as you have 2 younger children to focus on.

I'm sure your kids are old enough to appreciate that the world is an unfair place, and some people have more money that others. If they're not - they should learn.

lyn07

thanks again, for all of your replies,
my hubbys £250-00 he gets for his xmas and birthday gets spent on himself.
My eldest daughter wants to sell her laptop she has at the moment and get a better 1, she is also selling her me 2 you bear collection 2 go with the funds also, so it would not be like I will be spending a few hundred pounds on her.
my second daughter had a laptop a few years ago which I sold on ebay, and she has put that money towards it.
my son is in residential care because problems with behaviour, which I feel i should spend a little more on him because I hardly see him.
We pay £300.00 maintenance a month for his children, I do not resent this at all, and he should pay for his children.
the 2 that we have together, he does not have a problem in spending more on them, which confuses me.
I feel that if his 3 children can earn or pay off things by heklping, then mine should as well, so I might consider putting money aside each time they help, if this all makes sense.

elvis86

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

Looks like the Husbands family is well off and spends a lot on his children. Where the OP's family is struggling & spends more frugally.

The issue I think the OP has is that her own children do more to help her and the joint children than her husbands three do and she would like this helpfulness recognised, along with some allowance for the overall fairness regardless of finances.

But the OP's older kids are adults (one with a child of his/her own), her OH's are still children (under 16). It's completely unfair to expect a 12 year old to be as much of a help in a crisis as a 21 year old, and plain mean to try and use this as a reason to dock said 12 year old's Christmas present fund!

dirtysexymonkey

lyn07 wrote: »

thanks again, for all of your replies,
my hubbys £250-00 he gets for his xmas and birthday gets spent on himself.
My eldest daughter wants to sell her laptop she has at the moment and get a better 1, she is also selling her me 2 you bear collection 2 go with the funds also, so it would not be like I will be spending a few hundred pounds on her.
my second daughter had a laptop a few years ago which I sold on ebay, and she has put that money towards it.
my son is in residential care because problems with behaviour, which I feel i should spend a little more on him because I hardly see him.
We pay £300.00 maintenance a month for his children, I do not resent this at all, and he should pay for his children.
the 2 that we have together, he does not have a problem in spending more on them, which confuses me.
I feel that if his 3 children can earn or pay off things by heklping, then mine should as well, so I might consider putting money aside each time they help, if this all makes sense.

from who? your oh? or from their mother and her side of the family?

you cannot afford what the other family can afford.

j.e.j.

This is a complicated one! But as there is a huge age difference between the children you and your OH have together, and yours and OHs older kids from the previous relationships you can maybe get round any indiscrepancies in presents.

How about YOU save thru the year and spend/decide on what to get YOUR older three, and he does the same for his older three. And then BOTH of you decide what to spend on the little ones, whose needs will be different to the older ones anyway? Does that make sense?