problem with fairness to kids

balletshoes

I'm still a bit confused.
Your OP wants to spend £30 each on each of the 8 children, yes?
You used to spend more, £100 each, on the 5 of yours. Yes?

So, can you afford to do that? Can you show your OH that you can afford to do that? Have you suggested doing this, and what has he said about it?

When you've got different families involved, with different levels of present budgets, you're always going to have "unfairness". You can't compete with a family who spends way more than you would normally do, so don't try to.

adamantine

i think its unfair that you want to spend more on your own children than on your OH's children. they should all get exactly the same.

what your Oh's children get from other members of their family should have absoloutly no bearing on how much you as a family spend on the children. its none of your business what they get given as presents the same as its none of theirs what your ex gives your children.

think of it this way - you give £50 to each of your OH children yet give £100 each to your own children. would that not make your OH children feel put out quite alot and like you care for the other children more than them?

BitterAndTwisted

My own personal feeling is that you are tying yourself up in knots for no good reason. What your husband's children get from their side of the family is nothing to do with you and your household. Also, your kids from your previous relationship are adults and they don't need the same sort of money spent on them as the children you have together In most families with grown-up children they usually receive token presents rather than ruddy laptops especially when they can't be easily afforded. Now, if the children you have together were being treated completely differently by your husband from the other six I could understand your point. Quite honestly, from the way you have descrebed it, I don't really think you have one.

dirtysexymonkey

lyn07 wrote: »

thankyou to all your replies, we have been together for nearly 4 years, people say that when you are adults you get less, but he still gets a £250.00 cheque off his parents, his family are well off but mine arent, we didnt even get any presents off my mums side becaause they cannot afford it, I get paid the working tax credits and the family allowance, I just feel like mine are losing out, while his are gloating about what they have got. Before I got with him i used to spend £50.00 on birthdays and £100 on christmas, but since he split with his ex he has always given them £30.00, I just try and make up for all the help that they give me, as I have a 2 yr old and a 6 month old, and without my 2 eldest girls, I wouldnt have got through. We dont spend christmas day alltogether, in fact his kids have not seen mine since our wedding 2 years ago. x

in what way are they gloating?

why do you feel that your children are losing out?

why does it matter if his kids have not seen your kids? are you talking about your kids alone, or your two youngest with your oh?

the_cat

Unless you are spending the same amount on each of the children, you are sending out a message that some are more important than others.

What any of them get from other sources is irrelevant. I understand how it must feel to watch your own children have less than the others, but that is life I'm afraid. There will always be someone better off than yourself. A gift is a show of love and appreciation, not an entitlement to reach a certain value/figure. If you don't spend the same on each of them, you are showing more love and appreciation to some than others

Cherry_Bomb

lyn07 wrote: »

Hi fellow users, me and my hubby have the same old arguement every year he has 3 other children and I have 3 other children, and we have 2 little ones together. His children live at their mums as they are all under 16, while mine do not I also have a grandson by one of them, they are 16, 20 and 21 grandson is 1. His children are very spoilt when it comes to birthdays and christmases, their grandparents put away £250.00 in all their bank accounts, and grandparents spend £40.00 on them, their mum spends £100.00 on them and tehy get presents brought from their mums boyfriends family. and presents from other extended familiy. His eldest wanted an expensive laptop for xmas last yer, so everyone gave him money, and he is worked the other £50.00 off, they have all the latest gadgets, eldest even has an Iphone.

What's this got to do with you?

lyn07 wrote: »

Then you get my eldest 3 All mine get is £10.00 of my dad, we give his £30.00 each for christmas and birhdays, and I spend more on mine, because they get nowhere near what his get.

You want fairness yet openly admit spending more on yours because your personal opinion is that his kids get too much?

lyn07 wrote: »

I told him that we could do it seperately, that he gives all of them £30.00 and I buy them all presents, obviously I would only buy them a little somsthing and mine more, but he does not want to do that.my 2 eldest girls want laptops this year, they obviously cannot buy them on £30.00. he works so we live on his wages and working tax credits, I have said that so it does not come out of any money, I will sell all my jewellery to by my 3 presents, if this was the other way round I would be more understanding and spend more on his 3, but he does not see this, We are really at breaking point and I am anti deppresents because of everything. the way that I see it, whenever we want to go out or something needs doing my 2 eldest help out, which is alot of the time, when I was in hospital there were complications and my eldest looked after my 1 year old for 5 days, so surely in my eyes this is looked at as kind of chores. Can someone please offer some advice?

I'm sorry but this part of your post is quite hard to understand. Are you saying you want to give £30 to all the kids (as in yours and his) plus little presents on the side for his, and bigger presents for yours?

dirtysexymonkey

the_cat wrote: »

Unless you are spending the same amount on each of the children, you are sending out a message that some are more important than others.

What any of them get from other sources is irrelevant. I understand how it must feel to watch your own children have less than the others, but that is life I'm afraid. There will always be someone better off than yourself. A gift is a show of love and appreciation, not an entitlement to reach a certain value/figure. If you don't spend the same on each of them, you are showing more love and appreciation to some than others

out of interest do you think it is right then that the ops children should have less than usual spent on them because the 'new' husband spends much less on his children? or do you think the 'new' husband should then spend more on his children to keep it all equal?

the_cat

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

out of interest do you think it is right then that the ops children should have less than usual spent on them because the 'new' husband spends much less on his children? or do you think the 'new' husband should then spend more on his children to keep it all equal?

Well when the family pot has to stretch to 8 kids, there is bound to be less spent on each individual. It is not clear to me whether the £30 limit is due to lack of funds or simply an agreed amount. If there is a choice in the amount available, both parents should have an input into the 'right' amount and that should be applied to all

dirtysexymonkey

op did your children move out because of your husband? where does your youngest live now?

FatVonD

I disagree with everyone saying that there should be no top-up for the OP's own children. On the years that my stepkids are with us on Christmas morning I do my utmost to make sure everyone has a similar (value) amount of presents but that means that my own DS gets considerably LESS than the stepkids as their mum has a very large extended family who then give them other presents when they go home. My own DS has no aunts/uncles and his dad is Moslem and doesn't celebrate Christmas so what he gets from myself, my parents and my in-laws is it. Why, for the sake of things appearing to be fair should I then make things unfair to him? I get round it with giving him bigger stuff not on the actual day.

Sorry, OP, I don't know what the answer is in your case but I do sympathise with you.