problem with fairness to kids

lyn07

Hi fellow users, me and my hubby have the same old arguement every year he has 3 other children and I have 3 other children, and we have 2 little ones together. His children live at their mums as they are all under 16, while mine do not I also have a grandson by one of them, they are 16, 20 and 21 grandson is 1. His children are very spoilt when it comes to birthdays and christmases, their grandparents put away £250.00 in all their bank accounts, and grandparents spend £40.00 on them, their mum spends £100.00 on them and tehy get presents brought from their mums boyfriends family. and presents from other extended familiy. His eldest wanted an expensive laptop for xmas last yer, so everyone gave him money, and he is worked the other £50.00 off, they have all the latest gadgets, eldest even has an Iphone. Then you get my eldest 3 All mine get is £10.00 of my dad, we give his £30.00 each for christmas and birhdays, and I spend more on mine, because they get nowhere near what his get. I told him that we could do it seperately, that he gives all of them £30.00 and I buy them all presents, obviously I would only buy them a little somsthing and mine more, but he does not want to do that.my 2 eldest girls want laptops this year, they obviously cannot buy them on £30.00. he works so we live on his wages and working tax credits, I have said that so it does not come out of any money, I will sell all my jewellery to by my 3 presents, if this was the other way round I would be more understanding and spend more on his 3, but he does not see this, We are really at breaking point and I am anti deppresents because of everything. the way that I see it, whenever we want to go out or something needs doing my 2 eldest help out, which is alot of the time, when I was in hospital there were complications and my eldest looked after my 1 year old for 5 days, so surely in my eyes this is looked at as kind of chores. Can someone please offer some advice?

Johnny_Barnes10

How long you 2 been married? Sounds like his kids get quite a bit of £ from their side of the family. What is it you're asking from your husband as it's not very clear to me?

McKneff

I can only speak for me personally, I am paranoid that my offspring get exactly the same.

What others get from other people is irrelevant.

Decide how much you want to spend in total then split it between them all.

Ms_Chocaholic

I'm not sure what OP means either .... but if its any help, I think you as a couple should spend the same amount on each of the children, yours, his and yours together, irrespective of the amount that his children receive from other extended family members.

balletshoes

I'm also a bit confused.
Does your husband spend more on his kids who live with their mum than he does on the kids you have together? I'm also a bit confused as to the ages - his are under 16 and yours are over 16, yes? Or have I got that wrong? What are his and your views on when pressies stop/reduce for adults?

cte1111

I think children under 16 generally are given more / larger presents from their relatives than adults. Your 2 eldest children are in their twenties now and it sounds like one of them has a child of their own. I don't think you should be feeling guilty about not being able to afford to buy them laptops.

Your step-children have different extended families to your own children. If those people have more money to spend on them then that's great for them but shouldn't make you feel like your children are missing out. My parents were reasonably well off but I would never have expected a present that cost as much as a laptop.

Plans_all_plans

I actually think that what his family do for his older children has absolutely no bearing on what your 3 eldest children get from you and yours. I agree that is a shame that not all extended families will treat step children the same as biological children, but your eldest 2 are adults now.

You can only afford what you can afford and although your oldest kids want laptops, they can't have them. And at 20 and 21, you are certainly mad to be considering it (unless they are in further education, but even then I don't think you should be paying outright for them when money's tight)

I really think that you should let go of the resentment, because it is going to eat you up.

lyn07

thankyou to all your replies, we have been together for nearly 4 years, people say that when you are adults you get less, but he still gets a £250.00 cheque off his parents, his family are well off but mine arent, we didnt even get any presents off my mums side becaause they cannot afford it, I get paid the working tax credits and the family allowance, I just feel like mine are losing out, while his are gloating about what they have got. Before I got with him i used to spend £50.00 on birthdays and £100 on christmas, but since he split with his ex he has always given them £30.00, I just try and make up for all the help that they give me, as I have a 2 yr old and a 6 month old, and without my 2 eldest girls, I wouldnt have got through. We dont spend christmas day alltogether, in fact his kids have not seen mine since our wedding 2 years ago. x

doelani

trying to be " fair " to kids in this situation is hard. We have never given stepkids same as they get from their mum and stepdad.

I have 2 chidlren at home ( used to be 3 ) and 3 stepkids who live with their mum and stay over with us 2 nights a week.

We ( huuby and myself) have always given my children and stepkids the same for Christmas and birthdays. What stepkids get from their mum and family does not come into it, we give what we can afford.

last year for example all ( my kids and hubbys kids ) goet £150 worth of presents each of us at Christmas. Stepkids also got about £300 each of their mum and stepdad, my kids got nothing of their dad, never have in 13 years.

This year they are all getting less and for first time mine will be getting less as they are adults now ( over 21) and money is tight.

Same at birthdays stepkids get about 3 times more from their mum and stepdad than they do from us, we do not try and match what she gaves them as we cannot afford it and to be hinest they know not to expect it.

You really need to budget with your hubby for all the children , but not try to compete with his ex and her family.

We do not have any children together.

lisawood78

Please don't think i'm being mean or ignoring your question but I feel you will get more replies if you use paragraphs in your posts, one solid block of typing makes it very hard to follow.

Hope you find a resolution

Seanymph

I can only tell you what works for us.

We have three children still at home - two of mine and one of his. And two living away - both his.

ALL children get £100 each on their birthday - and no other 'top up gifts'.

ALL children get £100 for christmas but those who spend christmas with us also get stockings (which I buy!) so they get 'extra' gifts in there.

Those that live with us, in the house, get additional things (my daughter recently got bought a new laptop at the start of her A Levels and her sister will get a MAC (we have yet to have this discussion!) - when she goes to uni in September).......... the kids in the house get 50% of their driving lessons paid - those that have chosen to live elsewhere do not.

So, for birthdays and christmas we are absolutely equitable -but there are 'perks' for those kids who chose to spend the day with us. And for ongoing sort of 'maintenance' spending those that live at home definitely get more out of us.