Help To Reolve Issue With My Ex

easy

Lyrrad wrote: »

So I accept the money is owed, and the school has been prepared to reduce the amount to £2000. Should I just pay it, wipe my mouth, and put it down to experience?

I'm afraid you should, yes.

Dragging the school into the relationship problems you have won't do anyone any good at all.

I know you are afraid that your ex will stop you having access to your son if you annoy her. She can't be allowed to blackmail you like this, and you need to formalise your situation. Your son has a legal right to have access to his father. I think once you have paid the school, you should go and see a solicitor who specialises in family law, and clarify your situation.

It would seem that your ex-wife/partner is too irrational for you to be able to manage the situation without formal legal agreements being put in place - which is a shame.

BitterAndTwisted

So, the only fault with the school that you have reported from the mother is that they made him stand in the classroom with his face against the wall. The behaviour of the other parents towards her is nothing to do with the school as far as I see, although I suspect there is much more to this than either you have been told or have disclosed in this thread.

Is this a pattern in your relationship with her? That difficulties and problems with his behaviour or education are never discussed with you?

In any case I think if this fees issue and the risks of being taken to court matter to you, you should just pay up and be done with it. Threatening to deduct half from the maintenance payments to her isn't sensible under the circumstances.

Lyrrad

Bennifred wrote: »

Surely if your son is so badly behaved for his mother she is unlikely to prevent you having him - if only for her own sake?

I think you should pay the £2000 and move on. If she objects then you must point out that she can't have her cake and eat it - either you are jointly liable (and thus have the right to pay) or you're not and she pays after the court rules against her.

Yes you are right. But I have had about 8 years of saying goodbye to my son on a Sunday and never quite knowing if I've been 'a good enough boy' to see him next week. I've had enough of that.

Now to be fair this whole situation is from our past poor situation. I can only speak for myself, and in the very recent past (last 3 months), I have made a supreme effort, for the sake of my son, to look forwards and not back. However to my mind the mother is not prepared to do the same. She wants to carry on with me being the model ex and her being able to behave as she likes with no consequence.

Very recently I have had to endure listening to my son state down the phone that his mum has just sworn at him and hit him around the head. All I did was say to him I'm not interested in what your mum has done to you I am only interested in why you provoked her to do that. If I dared say to him that was wrong of mum, she, who normally insists that the call my son makes to me is on the open line, would grab the phone off him and hang up. I know she does not beat him black and blue, and I know he can be very trying for her. But I feel like my son is being abused my his mother and when he turns to me for support I have turned my back. I took the view better she swears and hits him and I am aware of it and talking to her rather than she swears and hits him and I am unable to talk on the phone.

And then she wonders why he does not like being with her. She cannot get him to do his homework, she cannot get him in to school on time.

There was one day on a Monday I drove 38 miles to take him into school on a Monday morning and we were there for 8.35, the following 4 days of the week, and then the whole of the following week she did not manage to get him through the school gates on time. She blames him for that. To my mind it is her responsibility.


In the last few weeks she has said that he can pack his bags and leave and live with me (if only she really meant that).

Sadly what I believe will happen is that my son will be a loose cannon and at the age of 12 - 14 he will explode and leave her. I can only hope he will come to me.

So you can see, and I answer this all by myself. The £2000 costs are really the last of my worries.

My son ought to live with me.

Sadly I have about as much chance as flying to the moon as that happening through a court of law, and the mother, who just cannot accept any criticism will continue to bring him up in the only fashion she knows how.

We have moved away from this is all my fault, as she had always blamed me for his poor behaviour with her. She recently said that we ought to share the weekends as I have all the fun time. However on the 1 weekend she does have with him each month there is hell. I have said to her that his homework should be done at mine on the weekends to give them more fun time and she has agreed to this, but time and time again she runs into difficulties.

As you can see the issue to dealt with is far far larger than £2 - 3000. However the more I am prepared to help the more the mother seems to require it. It's getting more difficult not easier for me. Now some might say who cares about me, it is all about your son, and I agree. But that is not improving anyway.

Lyrrad

WhiteHorse wrote: »

Is any of this actually true? It all sounds very convenient.

As you can well imagine I think my ex is many things. A liar is not one of them although she does have a funny way of bending the truth.

She withdrew our son from school without telling me. She in fact told me after the event by way of text. When I mention to her that that is wrong she says she did tell me. When I say yes but after you had done it without any allowed input of viewpoint from me. She says we were not talking to each other at the time. The truth was were were talking enough to each other for me to be in her house 2 weeks earlier repairing her computer. Well I remind her of the computer repair time all she can say is I didn't ask you , you offered. It's how she always handles it.

I think even if it is true, the correct response was to speak with the school and make her feelings known that she was totally unhappy with their performance. Then we/she would be in a very different position. Sadly if I try to discuss this with her she tells me I'm harassing her. Basically, it's her way or no way.

Lyrrad

Interesting development.

I have not mentioned before that the court involved in this insisted all parties had to have mediation. It was during that time that I offered £1000 as full and final settlement and the schools legal representatives wanted £2000. My offer was not accepted.

Today I went back to the mediation services, and said I would like to increase my offer to £1500.

The mediation service does nothing else other than act as a go between and I mentioned my plight to the lady concerned and she said she would speak with the schools legal advisers.

She came back to me later today and said that the schools legal advisers will speak with the school about my latest offer and also about the possibility of me making an offer as settlement with legal documentation stating that the school will no longer pursue me for any money.

So although the agreement was signed by both me and my ex, the school can ask for the money from both or 1, and after a pay off from me they would just concentrate on the 1, that being my ex.

To my mind they might go for it, and I am unsure how much they will require.

For the school it will be an insurance. If they lose the case, they would have my money. If they win the case they will have my money and chase my ex for the balance.

If my ex won the case, good luck to her and the school. I want out of this mess as quick and as cheaply as possible. I also want to dissociate myself from my ex with regard to this matter.

All in all a positive addition to an horrible situation for me.

Sambucus_Nigra

Get that in writing before you hand over any cash Lyrrad.

Emmzi

babes,

if your ex is as barking as she sounds you need to formalise contact, formalise finances, and actually be EXES. You can afford the fees fpr mediation etc if you could afford school fees. You just have to want to do it enough.

Right now you are making excuses not to do any of this, which people usually do when they are addicted to the drama. Seen it so many times, fannying about instead of just getting on with it.

He's old enough to have a say in where he lives and 50/50 is not uncommon if you live near each other (might be school holiday sharing, etc, balanced against who lives nearest school.) If required a CAFCAS report can be prepared.

Just get on with it and stop living in fear of what she will do! The court won't deny you contact unless you have something REALLY grim in your past, but until you have it all settled you'll be living in fear. Which is no life.

Peanuckle

Emmzi wrote: »

babes,

if your ex is as barking as she sounds you need to formalise contact, formalise finances, and actually be EXES. You can afford the fees fpr mediation etc if you could afford school fees. You just have to want to do it enough.

Not quite true as the OP said the fees were paid by a trust fund and therefore it's not money he can "tap into" for anything else.

sassyblue

Lyrrad wrote: »

I fully understand your sentiment. She wants me to butt out completely. All she wants in my money


EDIT: She says that she had the burden of this all on her own and that only she had to deal with the situation. I can't support something I don't believe in. Whilst she may have gone about it the wrong way it still does not change the fact that I believer we owe the money

What's your sons take on what happened? If he's upset about what happened at the school then come hell or high water l would be backing HIM, my feelings wouldn't come into it.

If what she says happened is true l would support her 100% in the issue against the school. How could they 'struggle to find a solution' to the problems?? Something's not right there.

As your sons welfare is paramount l would go along with her to keep her sweet enough to get the access to your son, play her at her own game.

Sorry you're having to go through this OP, she sounds OTT to say the least.

Dinah93

So the school possibly made him stand in a corner (which lets face it is about all schools can do now when kids act up) but it's okay for your ex to hit him in the head?! I'm suprised no one else has commented as she clearly can't control herself if she resorts to violence. Go to court and get a formalised maintenance agreement, you need to know your son is safe, and if she is violent to him there is a good chance you'll get full custody with only supervised visitation rights for her. Your son is so much more important than playing her games out of fear she'll stop you seeing him this weekend or the next. Look long term, your son needs a safe home.

You're right the £2000 is the least of your worries, bite the bullet and stand up for your son because no one else will.