A new 'tougher' thread... and so it continues

tryingtodobetter

Gailey - Well done on only having a small gain. I've got weigh in tomorrow, I hope I don't slip out of target.

Had a bad start to the first day back at school, we didn't wake up until 8:20am DH had left for work at 6:30am and I went back to sleep. After much panic I managed to sort out 2 pack lunches and get the boys out of the door in time.

I've just purchased a cheap stroller on fleabay to take on holiday with us as my brother and SIL recently had their very expensive pram lost by an airline :mad:

Hopefully a NSD tomorrow as I'm not planning on going out.

Hugs to those that need them.

mardatha

Hens about as sick of wind as I am The phone was out as well, so we spent a quiet day . I read (paraffin lamp). He moaned. :rotfl:

rosieben

kidcat wrote: »

SDG - happy birthday to your DD too, I think the advice given to gailey applies just as much to you, move on, let them make the running- and if they dont, walk away. I know its easier said than done, but having walked away from a complete life and its occupants, the stress just falls away even stress you didnt know you had.

After 40 years of back biting, manipulation and criticism, I did this - walked away from 90% of my family, and I can't tell you what a relief it was; its sad in a way, but I can't honestly say that I've missed any of them

the fact that someone is related to you doesn't give them the right to ill treat you in any way

Fellpony_2

I used to think I had lost of friends, til I stopped running after them and their every crisis. Once I stopped running after them I felt like I had lost an arm for a while but it's ok it grew back!! It was when i first met my hubby and decided that he was the one I should be looking after (and me too) instead of avoiding my issues and trying to be a world fixer for everyone else.
I am delighted to still have some very high quality friends, who even if we haven't spoken for weeks I can still drop in on, walk straight in (gawd help me if they ever move house!) and put the kettle on. They quite happily do the same for me. They are the true friends who seem to get over looked when you have toxic ones as the toxic ones are the ones who are constantly "in need".

I was going to try and have a NSD / NPD today but I forgot the kittens are booked into the vets for their booster jabs, and to discuss their neutering!! (poor !!!!!!s!) Ah well, hubby is back to work today, so at least he's out from under my feet.

Hope the wind has calmed down for everyone, hubby says it's just a build up of sprouts.... (I wonder some times I really do!)

VJsmum

Back to work today

No students though

DD is off ill - dicky tummy, but at 15 she is old enough to fend for herself. OH is off at SIL painting her bathrooms - as if we don't have enough to paint here. SIL can be a bit of a "toxic friend" - she only rings when she is depressed or she needs somehting. She has 4 siblings of her own but doesn't call on them, she doesn't call on OH's sister either, so it all comes down to us and MIL (BIL died nearly 2 years ago). I do feel for her but, by god, she makes her own and other people's lives difficult. I have told OH that he has to make it clear to her that, although we aren't abandonning her, she is going to have to call on others sometimes as we have enough to juggle here and with my dad and with MIL. Tricky.

Wind seems to have died down and the fence panel that blew down yesterday seems to have stayed up once we turned it round and slotted it back in. Will have to get a new one though.

Oh I suppose I'd better go to work..

Have a good day all.

Kimitatsu

Just catching up with the thread

GreyQueen - a life audit is a fab thing to do. I lost quite a bit of weight recently and went through all of my wardrobe, I am ashamed to say that I threw out 8 binbags of clothes :eek::eek: admittedly some of them were from when I was an office wallah but my wardrobe is still not empty - the difference is all the clothes now fit me! I also dontated a whole heap of toiletries to the womens refuge (bits from gift boxes that I will never use) and loads of stuff has gone down to the recycling and charity shops. It put into perspective really what I need to buy and what I dont (there is very little I need!!)

Fellspony and M2M - my thoughts are with you, words cannot express my thoughts and they probably dont come anywhere close to how you feel.

For those of you who are worrying about what you should do about toxic friends (and there are lots of them) here is the thought for the day:

"There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters, who never did, who wont anymore and who always will. So dont worry about the people from your past, theres a reason why they didnt make it to your future"

Horrible word SHOULD - it implies that you ought to even if you know its the wrong thing for you at the time......

Less windy here today, having 3 spaniels they had the wind right up their tails yesterday, so are now sleeping off the mania of yesterday!

Hugs to all those who need them today - oh and belated happy birthday Kimsmum hope you had a good day depsite everyone else

prepareathome

For those with family problems - ie you are the one everyone comes to for help when things go wrong, but when you need help all you get is criticised either that you are a bad manager, your husband should be in a better paid job, you give into your kids and are not strict enough with them ( from family whose children are basically drop outs and yours have got to university), you have just let yourself go, if you had married/stayed married to such and such you would be in a far nicer house, your self because your child/OH is ill and you cannot drop everything to go and help them with their sick child/minor crisis etc etc - the list can go on, ring any bells anyone.

Early 1990s when I first took ill I was very bad. couldn't walk without great pain , kept collapsing (eventually they found my blood pressure was far to low), I was struggling to homeschool youngest as after him being off school so much till 11 he just couldn't settle into High School, and I was doing a degree, which youngest loved, he came to all the lectures with me and having the great memory he does I would take notes then he would remind me of what else was said. My mum got on phone ( she lived over 200 miles away) and started going on and on how much iller ( if you had a headache mum had a migraine, she was the type of person who always had to have had it far harder than you, even when my youngest daughter died all I got was 'well I nearly lost you, you were in hospital for 2 months when you were 9 months old' and she expected me to feel that was worse than losing my daughter, but to the world she was the grandma who had lost her beloved granddaughter) . Anyway it came to a head one day mum going on and on about how hard her life had been and how easy mine was and how she had always been ill with her heart ( that we found out after her death had been a lie) and I just had, had enough and I told her I didn't want to hear about her life as I had enough going on in my own and I had been through enough myself and if she was only going to phone and moan at me she need not bother phoning me again, harsh yes but I had, had enough, there is a lot more but will not bore you. She didn't contact me for a week then called to say how she was going to come up the following week to stay with me and help me. She did, nothing was said of that phone call and although she occasionally had her moans from that time onwards I actually had a mum, sounds daft but I never really felt I had one till then, mum had used me as baby sitter from age 5 and brothers and sisters were brought up to think of me as their helper not big sister. When mum had her breast removed due to cancer I happily went down and stayed with her a couple of months till she was on her feet again and then we went down at least once a month to take her out shopping and when she was taken in with a chest infection I stayed down there to go to her every day and the last time she went into hospital, only for pain relief but her kidneys suddenly shut down after a couple of days and she died just a week later I had totally made my peace with her and her with me and was with her at the end, So after that call with mum when brothers and sisters called me for help ( only time I would hear from them) I politely explained I could not help them at that time due to my own problems ( I was never ill just lazy and if I pulled myself together and tried harder I would be fine) Oh for a while I was the big selfish one, as it was hard for them, they had had 40 years or so of me being at their beck and call. It hurt a lot at the time to do it and I called myself all the names under the sun for standing up for myself, but for my own sanity I had to. Now I phone them occasionally or they phone me but now both mum and dad have gone ( had the same thing with dad when he was 79, I didn't follow his footsteps like he wanted me to and there was other things that made me keep my distance from him and certainly not be alone with him at any time. He would phone and start to run me down and this time I fought back this was only 4 years ago, and told him some home truths, dad was like mum made the past into things they believed not the truth and would tell things as they were and I put the phone down on him. I said to my husband and son if he accepts I was telling the truth and faces it he will have a heart attack as he has believed his lies for so long. This was on a Friday and the following Thursday dad did have a minor heart attack, I nearly died, blaming myself, he had never had any heart problems or health problems up till then in his life ( apart from gall stones), but I knew in my heart what I had said to my dad was truth, I had told him i loved him and forgave him before I put the phone down and just prayed he would get well, which he did. Then it was decided there would be a family party at my brothers for Dads 80th the following year and brother told me Dad wanted me there and you can call me hard hearted if you want but I refused to go unless dad called me to ask me, which after a few weeks he did, and it was so much better we had a far better relationship and no more running me down, yes we had odd arguements but not over family usually politics. When he suddenly took ill last June, it was the exact same day that mum had gone into hospital for pain relief 4 years before and I had not been to good so had not gone up to see him for a few months, although talked a lot on the phone and of course we were broke, waiting for cheque from inheritance. Dad had fall and so they took him in just to be overnight but he like mum just suddenly went downhill, a very good friend lent me the money and we went up to see him, and we totally made our peace, he was allowed his mobile on so we could call him. I got up a second time and I knew when I left him that Sunday night I would not see him again ( son took me up that time and he had to be back in work in morning) and sure enough nurse called early in the morning to say dad had gone. Mum lasted two weeks in the hospital and Dad 4 weeks, but both going in the same day weird. They had been divorced when I was 19 and one lived south of us and one North, I used to call my home halfway house. So to many I might have seemed hard, but I just felt I had to let my parents accept me as me and that I was their daughter some servant they had taken on when young, or the crutch for their moans and I am glad I did, the last few years I felt I truly had parents who loved me for me. I will next see my brothers and sisters when we meet up at dads stone setting in May.

So if you really feel your families are treating you like dirt then you must decide if you want it to carry on or try to make them see you as you really are and accept you as you are. Its not a easy thing to do and to make sure it doesn't become a slanging match. My heart goes out to all of you facing this or any other things now.

fuddle

I walked away from one aunty and two cousins when I was 15. Don't get me wrong, we're a lovely family - or my grandma and grandma was but something happened one day while we were at Grandma's.

We all huddled in Grandma's bungalow every Sunday afternoon when I was a kid. She would put on a buffet tea, week in and week out. This one Sunday I was out playing with my little half cousin, only two at the time. He had fallen over and to me his finger looked a bit disjointed and he couldn't move it. I said to Mum that maybe he should go to the hospital as no doctors open on a Sunday. My Mum suggested it to my Aunty (the lad's Grandma) and she flew off the handle at my Mum about interfering in her family matters an there would have been no problem if I (15 with a 2 year old outside by myself, not watched by any of his family. I wouldn't allow anyone that age to supervise my child without me overseeing) had looked after him properly. I stuck up for Mum and argued my case about how I was looking after him he just fell over. Before I knew it I was punched in the face by my cousin (the boy's Mum) From that day on I never went back to my Grandma's on a Sunday and haven't spoken to any of that side of the family. Toxic? Bludy idiots too!

My Grandma and Grandad were mortified, and to see it happen in their house amongst their loved ones. Appauling behaviour that even at the age of 15 I knew I didn't want to be around. Good riddance to bad family members. I am still a bit bitter about it because it's put strain on my Mum's relationship with her neices and my Aunty who has now passed away (I didn't go to the funeral and now I have been cast aside by the rest of the family)

I'll never need them though, I just feel for my Mum, stuck in the middle. 17 years have passed and I've not missed them at all.

Stillstruggling

Morning Everyone,
Well i have been up for just over a hour although Today i am feeling very rough i have a number of health issues and today looks like being 1 of my bad days
Its my DD3 last day of school today and i was hoping to do something, but looks like i will have to see how the day pan's out, mobility and pain wise.
Still raining and windy here :-(
Fellpony - &mumto2monkeys - no words will be enough to acknowledge the pain you are both going through.
((Hugs)) to everyone that needs one today, hope to catch up again later
ps i wanted to also add i love the quotes people have as thier signatures very inspiring

Byatt

I want to say how much I appreciate you all sharing your life stories. I have not shared before (with anyone) that I too have had to cut off family contact although in the scheme of things, I think they did it to me...I just stopped trying. My mother died in 2007, but 2 of my siblings decided I didn't need to know she had been taken into hospital (they had put her in a care home without discussion with me, and I had asked the care home to let me know if anything happened as I knew my siblings would withold information, but care home didn't). My brother lived in London, we are in the South West...he had time to drive down from London to say goodbye to our mother but ...I live half an hour away from the hospital and was not told.(my brother had been upset with me for years, over something I supposedly had done, but I didn't know what, and he wouldn't talk to me about it, just slanged me off to all and sundry). I was told my mother had died, 24 hours later by a neighbour of my mother's. :(

I won't go into the long and sad story of what happened, other than to say my sister (who has a LD), gave away my mother's possessions, personal things to all and sundry. Added to this was the terrible things she said about me to people, and worse to my daughter who became very confused. I know she has a LD, but some things are unforgiveable. As I was going through an acrimonious divorce and having to sell my beloved home, whilst looking after my dd, I basically didn't grieve. They took her ashes to scatter them on a Welsh mountain and I was not told of this either. I think I cried hysterically for a short while, but then stopped. My sister told me that mum didn't want me at the funeral or hospital. I will never know if that was true. Or just something else to hurt me with.

So, I have a 2-3 really, really good friends, and a family member who knew what my family were like and had estranged herself from them some time before and we are close.

My dd had a Xmas card from a cousin enclosing a letter and using the guilt trip about my sister who had been in hopsital recently but is ok now. What they don't know is how she told my DD to leave me and go and live with her dad as he was a better person than me. She said she disowned me amongst mnay other cruel things. I don't have the emotional reserve to deal with those members of my family who are toxic. My mum was toxic, but I loved her. I would have given anything for me to see her one last time and properly say goodbye.

Anyway, I've rambled on far more than I intended, but really appreciate and value all of you. :A