Help-Father-In-Law tried to commit suicide

neverdespairgirl

anon0079 wrote: »

I understand the pressure is on him and feel sorry for him but atm he's forgot we exist and it's putting pressure on our relationship.

Please please any advice would be greatly appreciated on what is best to do as I don't want to let this build-up and then I may say something I regret x

This is a major, life-changing event for your OH, his mother and siblings.

It's been going on for 2 weeks - not 2 decades!

Overall, obviously, both parties need to invest in a relationship, need to support each other and pay attention to the children and each other's needs.

But 2 weeks in?! the poor bloke should be able to rely on you utterly at this time. And yes, at the moment, you are the children have slipped a few rungs down his priority ladder. Deal with it.

As for what you should do - make sure he has clean clothes, food, cups of tea, cash to hand, and loving support so that he can talk about it when he's ready. Your home and relationship should, right now, be an unchallenging sanctury for him from everything else that's going on.

When I was pregnant with my DS, now 6, I suffered very bad sickness, and ended up in hospital on a drip several times for dehydration.

During that time, OH's father died, and then 6 weeks later, his mother died. OH was 26, his younger brother was 19. No other relatives in the UK to share the burden.

That was a nightmare time for OH. I shut up as much as I could about feeling ill (obviously I couldn't disguise that I was actually throwing up) and didn't tell him a couple of times when I was on a drip for a few hours. I made sure home was welcoming and quiet and warm and comfortable.

victory

You have to be his support system, not another problem to deal with, he already has a dad in hospital, the knowledge of an affair, the wholr hting has ripped his world apart, he can't think straight, act normal, he needs you to be there for the kids, with food, clothes, understanding, basically in the background doing what there is to do day to day to get by leaving him to deal with his mum and dad.

Could he not stay with his mum for a bit save all the travelling?

May I suggest also for your own sanity to find something to do in the day so that you don't think so much and also if he does not contact you as you say then you could occassionally offer him a text with supportive words so that he knows he is your first concern and you are thinking of him

rachbc

You husband will be reeling right now and I'm afraid this is one of those occassions were you have to put your own feelings aside and step up and be there unconditionally for him. It is a shame he wasn't able to do the same for you and hopefully when this is all over you will be able to discuss that side of things but not now.

Find some support for yoruself from your family and freinds so you can be as strong as you can for him and fingers crossed for the best possible outcome xx

victory

I meant to add that when something as big as this happens there is no book to tell you how to cope/behave we all work differently, some people crumble, some become stronger, some just can't react, they are numb, others become proactive, others inactive, it really is such a shock, so far removed from dealing with the normal life to life problems that no one knows how they will cope until they get the phone call to say that dad is in hospital....

getmore4less

Agree overnight stay at mums some nights,

reduce the travel stress
reduce the home stress(for you and the kids as well as him)

Try to work in some family time, maybe the weekend.

Mojisola

anon0079 wrote: »

My hubby is relied upon to be the main spokeperson between the family and also the main contact at the hospital.

Most families have one member who takes on this role. As your husband in the "doer" in his siblings' eyes, he is going to be under even more pressure. While the others will let him take charge, they may not be beyond criticising the decisions he makes. He is going to need a lot of unconditional support from you.

By the time he comes home to you, he's probably feeling too overwhelmed to talk things through with you. A lot of men do fit into the "Men are from Mars" stereotype and when they are faced with problems want to withdraw into themselves to work things out. If he's like this, he won't be intentionally cutting you but is trying to deal with the upset/pain/emotions in his own way.

Nottoobadyet

Experiencing something not so different at the moment, and Im guessing that you (like me!) are feeling at a total loss on what you can do to be there for your hubby, since of course I'm guessing you don't have a comparable experience. You may be feeling like he was back when your mum was sick - helpless and impotent to fix a problem that obviously really cant be fixed.

Theres no easy answer (unless someone has one and can tell me, I'd be happy to hear it) other than to be there for him when he needs it and to butt out when the family needs to sort things out on their own. This is the kind of thing that can make your relationship infinitely stronger - take up the challenge that he failed by not being there for your when your mum was ill. You can both learn from it.

paddy's_mum

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Your home and relationship should, right now, be an unchallenging sanctury for him from everything else that's going on.

I wholeheartedly agree with this and think it very well put.

OP - you wouldn't be normal not to feel pushed out, especially as your husband wasn't so good at supporting you when the boot was on the other foot.

However, most of us learn from experience and this disaster may make him look at the world, his place in it, and the importance of his relationships with new eyes.

I realise that the 'no end in sight' aspect is troubling but if you choose to look upon all this as a test that will give you clearer vision of each other's strengths and weaknesses as well as one that should prove your love and loyalty, you may come to look back with thankfulness upon this time, however hard it is right now.

Good luck.

flutterby_lil

I think you have been given some very good advice from the other MSE's.

Can you suggest to him that he stays with his mum monday to thursday night, have a day off from hospital visiting on friday so he has some time for himself and you and your children before he burns out? He may get soooo tired that he is no use by the end of the week. Then weekends he can spend again with his mum and / or dad at hospital?

Have you been to see FIL yet? Can you get childcare so you can go with your OH, he may appreciate you being there with him.

How old are your children? I bet with you being at home all the time you are getting really frustrated and can't think of anything else, the household chores and all the childcare is getting to you and you prob feel a bit resentful towards your OH.

Maybe you need a break away from the children too, do something for yourself to help get over the probs you had with your mum being ill too? Just a thought.

Good luck to all involved.

Person_one

I do think that it might not be a bad idea for everybody's benefit if your husband declares that everybody needs a day off visiting to recharge their batteries and see their families.

Maybe not quite yet, but in another week or ten days if nothing has changed. FIL won't know they aren't there, the nurses can have everybody's phone numbers in case they need you back and a day playing with the children and relaxing with their partners will do them no end of good.