Help-Father-In-Law tried to commit suicide

anon0079

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular (signed on under new account as want to remain anon on this one) on here and quick to give advice to others but now the time has come to for me to get advice.

Just under 2 weeks ago my Father-in-Law tried to commit suicide [text removed by MSE Forum Team]. Turns out he was having an affair with a family member and had got found out by someone else within the family. He is still lying in hospital and although he is talking they say severe damage has been done and he is critically damaged internally. Hubbys family have been told he could die at any moment and medical staff cannot commit to say when exactly or if this may happen. Anyway my Hubby has been doing a 50 mile round trip since it happened everyday leaving our home early staying with his Mum all day and then going to hospital every evening and returning home after 12am. The kids have barely seen him since it happened (20 mins in the morning) and I just wonder how long this is going to go on for. i feel like I'm being very selfish by thinking of our family needs now and feel guilty for this but also feel angry that his Dad has put us in this position he has affected so many lives. The wider family circle are divided and taking sides has already begun. My husband doesn't contact me at all during the day and can barely speak to me when he comes in and I just don't know how to handle this all. I'm at home all day wondering whats going on and unless I ask he says nothing. His other brothers and sisters are up everyday but they live very close and other family members are their everyday aswell so I don't know why he needs to go their so early everyday. I just feel its taking over our lives, I've had to stop doing work I do at home to look after the children. My hubby is relied upon to be the main spokeperson between the family and also the main contact at the hospital. I understand the pressure is on him and feel sorry for him but atm he's forgot we exist and it's putting pressure on our relationship. If his father survives I know my hubby will be left to deal with so much and feel he will be expected to re-home and re-build his fathers life, who we know will always have problems now. Please please any advice would be greatly appreciated on what is best to do as I don't want to let this build-up and then I may say something I regret x

CH27

anon0079 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular (signed on under new account as want to remain anon on this one) on here and quick to give advice to others but now the time has come to for me to get advice.

Just under 2 weeks ago my Father-in-Law tried to commit suicide [text removed by MSE Forum Team]. Turns out he was having an affair with a family member and had got found out by someone else within the family. He is still lying in hospital and although he is talking they say severe damage has been done and he is critically damaged internally. Hubbys family have been told he could die at any moment and medical staff cannot commit to say when exactly or if this may happen. Anyway my Hubby has been doing a 50 mile round trip since it happened everyday leaving our home early staying with his Mum all day and then going to hospital every evening and returning home after 12am. The kids have barely seen him since it happened (20 mins in the morning) and I just wonder how long this is going to go on for. i feel like I'm being very selfish by thinking of our family needs now and feel guilty for this but also feel angry that his Dad has put us in this position he has affected so many lives. The wider family circle are divided and taking sides has already begun. My husband doesn't contact me at all during the day and can barely speak to me when he comes in and I just don't know how to handle this all. I'm at home all day wondering whats going on and unless I ask he says nothing. His other brothers and sisters are up everyday but they live very close and other family members are their everyday aswell so I don't know why he needs to go their so early everyday. I just feel its taking over our lives, I've had to stop doing work I do at home to look after the children. My hubby is relied upon to be the main spokeperson between the family and also the main contact at the hospital. I understand the pressure is on him and feel sorry for him but atm he's forgot we exist and it's putting pressure on our relationship. If his father survives I know my hubby will be left to deal with so much and feel he will be expected to re-home and re-build his fathers life, who we know will always have problems now. Please please any advice would be greatly appreciated on what is best to do as I don't want to let this build-up and then I may say something I regret x

I hope this does not sound harsh but you will be the last thing on his mind. His focus will be on his mum & dad.
He has had a massive shock & will be processing all the info as well as facing the death of his dad.

He will be relying on you to keep everything steady & obviously trusts you to do so.

Try to put yourself in his shoes.

I know when my mum was dying I relied totally on my OH.

aliasojo

You're not going to like this and I honestly don't want to sound harsh, but whatever stress or pressure you are feeling at the moment, it will only be a tiny percentage of how your husband feels.

This imo, is one of those time in marriage where you put up, shut up and support as much as you can.

nearlyrich

aliasojo wrote: »

You're not going to like this and I honestly don't want to sound harsh, but whatever stress or pressure you are feeling at the moment, it will only be a tiny percentage of how your husband feels.

This imo, is one of those time in marriage where you put up, shut up and support as much as you can.

Can't put it better than this, times are tough he needs you to be there taking the strain for him. I hope it all works out for the best all round and as soon as possible.

meer53

I agree with the other posters. I can't imagine what your OH must be going through right now, my thoughts are that you should just go with the flow for now and support him - whatever he does. If this situation is putting pressure on your relationship then it's really not that strong to begin with.
My brother in law committed suicide, his death was quick, your FIL obviously didn't intend for his attempt to fail, but it did. It doesn't matter why he did it, your OH is his son and needs to be there for the rest of his family. Leave him to it.

thorsoak

For some reason I can't use the thanks button - but aliasojo sums it up nicely.

This time in your family's life, you and the children have to take second place to your OH's father, mother and family. You have to hold things together with your childrenfor your OH's sake. Things will turn around in their own time - and the very best you can do is just be there in the background.

After all - if the boot were on the other foot, and your mum or dad were seriously ill in hospital, wouldn't you be doing what OH is doing now? Of course you would.

I do hope that your OH's family can accept what is happening, and can hang in together at this sad time.

{{hugs}} to you, too.

tanith

Apart from anything else your OH is in shock and probably still trying to take in what his father has done, hard as it is I do think he is relying on you to keep things going while he deals with what is going on in his parents world.

Person_one

• He's losing his dad.
• He's lost his ideas of who his dad was by finding out about this affair.
• He can't talk to his dad to sort things out between them, he just has to wait for him to die.
• His mum will be in about a thousand pieces.
• He lives furthest away so has lots of practical problems and travel to deal with to be with his family at this horrible time.
• He's under pressure as everybody expects him to be the one holding them together and dealing with the medical staff and the important decisions.
• He'll be exhausted in every way it is possible to be exhausted.

Do you really want to add 'wife is starting to get annoyed and wants him to be at home more' to his list of current problems?

I know this isn't easy for you, truly I know, but this is how it has to be. Remember 'for better for worse'. It won't last forever.

emg

I just wanted to agree with everyone else. Please, please be supportive to him. If the worst happens he will never forgive you if you take away the time he had left to share with his dad.

mountainofdebt

I think Aliasojo sums it perfectly also.

If family life is being distrupted would it be an idea if your OH stayed with his mum for at least the weekdays - at least that way (whilst I appreciate the child care falls soley to you but it sounds as if there's no difference atm) you can get the children into a routine for meals etc and your OH won't have the strain (or cost) of travelling.

RichGold

anon0079 wrote:

i feel like I'm being very selfish

Unbelievable.