Contact issues

chirpchirp

For those of you who are divorced with children, how often do your ex partners have contact with their children - I mean phone, social networking etc . I have a 12 and 9 year old and their father is discussing things such as contact and buying them things I have said no to behind my back. I'm interested to find out if others have experienced this and how they have dealt with it.

As I moved away from the area ( 200 miles away)where we originally lived ( he moved 70 miles away first) he constantly dictates when he is going to have contact. He is able to do this by checking with the children what is planned.

clearingout

ad hoc contact is a pretty common control tactic and benefits few people, least of all the children. They need regular, reliable contact and I would suggest you ask him to mediate and if he won't do that, then get a solicitor onto the case and see if a short, sharp letter will do the trick. With that kind of distance, you're looking at school holidays and maybe weekend contact every 3rd or 4th week, perhaps? Is he willing to share driving? Are the children staying with him when they have contact?

The alternative is to stop contact (not recommended) and force him to take you to court for a defined Contact Order that he probably won't stick with.

I'm afraid there's little you can do about him buying the children presents you don't want them to have. What you can do, however, is insist that they are kept at their father's house so they have the benefit of them when they are with dad and not with you which is about as fair as it can be. Unfortunately, a bit of playing one parent off against the other is to be expected and takes both parents to be on the ball and refuse to engage in such game playing. Like many of us, seems you have yourself an extra child....

dirtysexymonkey

he is their parent too - would you put up with him dictating what you can buy your children?

chirpchirp

He chose to have a new life and should get on with it in my book. He should at least discuss discuss £66 school bags for a 12 year old with me. He is spoiling the kids and they are becoming brats. They get everything handed to them on a plate by him.

dirtysexymonkey

chirpchirp wrote: »

He chose to have a new life and should get on with it in my book. He should at least discuss discuss £66 school bags for a 12 year old with me. He is spoiling the kids and they are becoming brats. They get everything handed to them on a plate by him.

that sounds very much like you want him to leave his children alone.

and you didnt answer my question, namely because you know you wouldnt want to have him dictate to you what you are allowed to buy your children.

chirpchirp

I don't buy things that will go to his property and he shouldn't buy things for here. We have an agreement that Christmas and Birthday presents should be splite 50/50 and by doing what he is doing he is undermining this.

I would like him to leave his children alone when they are with me just as I respect his limited time with them. I'd be happy for him to have time on the phone with him as long as he isn't trying to arrange things without my knowledge. After all my time is also limited with them as most of my time is weekdays which is filled with the mundane things of getting dinner and getting school stuff and homework done.

dirtysexymonkey

chirpchirp wrote: »

I don't buy things that will go to his property and he shouldn't buy things for here. We have an agreement that Christmas and Birthday presents should be splite 50/50 and by doing what he is doing he is undermining this.

I would like him to leave his children alone when they are with me just as I respect his limited time with them. I'd be happy for him to have time on the phone with him as long as he isn't trying to arrange things without my knowledge. After all my time is also limited with them as most of my time is weekdays which is filled with the mundane things of getting dinner and getting school stuff and homework done.

its a school bag, not a christmas present.

you dont want him contacting his kids, but it doesnt matter what you want if its not what the kids want. if they want to have contact with their dad then let them, and vice versa. the difference i suspect is that you only dont see them for a weekend, whereas he will spend a week plus without seeing them.

your coming across as very bitter and that isnt healthy for you or for your kids.

chirpchirp

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

its a school bag, not a christmas present.

you dont want him contacting his kids, but it doesnt matter what you want if its not what the kids want. if they want to have contact with their dad then let them, and vice versa. the difference i suspect is that you only dont see them for a weekend, whereas he will spend a week plus without seeing them.

your coming across as very bitter and that isnt healthy for you or for your kids.

And do you think £66 is an acceptable amount for a school bag? Guilt money is you ask me!

dirtysexymonkey

chirpchirp wrote: »

And do you think £66 is an acceptable amount for a school bag? Guilt money is you ask me!

if he earns minimum wage, no. but if hes relatively well off then yes.

does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? a bag is not going to turn a child into a brat. you might not like this but ive seen a lot of posts from pwc claiming that the nrp is turning their kids into brats, while completely ignoring that for the vast majority of the time, the pwc is parenting, and so the majority influence is them.

im not saying this is you, but there are a lot of pwc on this board who blame everything bad on the nrp, but claim responsibility for everything good. it doesnt work like that.

with the attitude youve expressed, the only people being hurt are your kids, and they will notice in the end.

theyll know if one parent is trying to buy them, but theyll also notice the reason for this. theyre not stupid.

flutterby_lil

Did he have an affair and leave in that manner?

chirpchirp

No he didn't. He posted himself naked on the internet, sent texts to another man of a sexual act, was in great debt but gave women from dating sites huge handouts whilst I was saying no to the children about items and was on the dating sites for at least 18 months. He claims to have never had an affair or so he says. There was also huge elements of control all cited in the divorce petition. That's just the abbreviated version!