trapped and so bloody unhappy

affordmylife

we have a 12 year old daughter and live together in a house that we have a joint mortgage on.

we both work and claim no benefits.

i am really unhappy and have been for years. simply i dont love him any more. we were deliriously happy until about 8/9 years ago but since then it has gradually diminished and now i almost hate him.

he is a good man and a good provider but he is so bloody miserable i cant bear looking and his miserable face.

i have no idea what i can do.

i cannot break my daughters heart and break up our family.

although i work 25 hrs a week i only early £720 a month and there is no way i could survive on that.

we have a car (but technically it is his).

please give me any ideas xxxx

Oldernotwiser

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? What is his take on the situation and the relationship?

POPPYOSCAR

affordmylife wrote: »

we have a 12 year old daughter and live together in a house that we have a joint mortgage on.

we both work and claim no benefits.

i am really unhappy and have been for years. simply i dont love him any more. we were deliriously happy until about 8/9 years ago but since then it has gradually diminished and now i almost hate him.

he is a good man and a good provider but he is so bloody miserable i cant bear looking and his miserable face.

i have no idea what i can do.

i cannot break my daughters heart and break up our family.

although i work 25 hrs a week i only early £720 a month and there is no way i could survive on that.

we have a car (but technically it is his).

please give me any ideas xxxx

From this you are obviously not going to end your relationship with him, so you do not have that many choices really and I am not quite sure what ideas you are looking for.

Are you thinking that you will break up when your daughter is older or never?

I would have thought the first step is to discuss how you are feeling with him and perhaps get some outside help like Relate. If this does not improve things for you then I would make a life for myself outside of the home(and I do not mean having an affair). Perhaps do an evening class or join a group so that you have an interest to focus on.

Perfect10_2

If you still love your husband at all how about Relate or other counselling service?

If you really do want to leave then you will survive, and so will your daughter. She will still have two parents who love her but live in different houses. Children adapt if you support them. She may even be aware of how unhappy you are. In my situation I decided I didnt want my girls to think a dysfunctional relationship was normal and worried about what they would settle for in their own future with my example.

Is your husband happy with the relationship? Or are his worries that there are problems causing him to be "miserable"? You really need to talk to each other, even if it is painful to do so.

If you do leave you will survive. I earn the same as you with 2 children and rent privately with help from Tax credits to top me up (obviously may depend where in the country you are).

Wishing you luck in your decisions x

Wilma33

Why is he miserable? Could it be a vicious circle... he is miserable about your relationship and him being miserable is ruining the relationship?

Relate sounds like a good starting point.

teapackets

How sad, I wonder what has or hasn't happened over the years to turn your feelings from love to hate?

Did you perhaps stop going out as a couple, having fun together.

It is very hard work to make a marriage work.

How do you think your husband feels about your marriage - maybe he has no idea how unhappy you are?

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that if you loved him once, you CAN regain those feelings, but it needs both of you to work on it, so I would say the first step is to talk to him. I would perhaps suggest doing it at a time when you can both give full attention to the matter and deal with the matter in hand ie your lack of feelings, and don't try and deal with any past issues at the same time.

I hope things sort themselves out for you.

affordmylife

im think that once she has left home we will end up going our separate ways.

we have discussed the situation and are both unhappy but he still loves me. i havent told him how i feel. i dont want to hurt him and im hanging on to the fact that we loved each other very much once.

there is absolutely no one else involved and i will probably never have another relationship if we break up. its far far too much of a compromise and the return is not worth it.

Wilma33

affordmylife wrote: »

im think that once she has left home we will end up going our separate ways.

I would hate for my parents to split up as soon as I left home. You would then know that they both suffered just for you. I would much rather have two happy parents who lived seperate lives. Please don't stay together only for the sake of your daughter.

affordmylife

he will say he is unhappy because he hates our family pet whom our daughter and i love and that is why he is miserable. he is such a spoilt child wanting his own way. its a dog !!!!!! and we have had it 6 years x

and thank you all for your very kind replies x

affordmylife

we both have been divorced before and destroyed the lives of our children from our first marriages and really dont want to do it again. we have been together 17 years. our older children are 18,20,21 and 22 x

POPPYOSCAR

affordmylife wrote: »

he will say he is unhappy because he hates our family pet whom our daughter and i love and that is why he is miserable. he is such a spoilt child wanting his own way. its a dog !!!!!! and we have had it 6 years x

and thank you all for your very kind replies x

I think it must run deeper than that. How can hating a pet make you that miserable?