trapped and so bloody unhappy

POPPYOSCAR

affordmylife wrote: »

we both have been divorced before and destroyed the lives of our children from our first marriages and really dont want to do it again. we have been together 17 years. our older children are 18,20,21 and 22 x

By the sound of things it would appear that you do want this marriage to work.

Do you get to spend much time together doing fun things, just the two of you?

affordmylife

no we dont get any time together really.

i work days and he works nights so we have tea together in the early evening.

we do everything with our daughter (she always wants to join us and we enjoy her company).

i have no desire to be alone with him x

POPPYOSCAR

affordmylife wrote: »

no we dont get any time together really.

i work days and he works nights so we have tea together in the early evening.

we do everything with our daughter (she always wants to join us and we enjoy her company).

i have no desire to be alone with him x

Why do you not want to be alone with him?Personally if I felt that way I could not live my life like that.

I think every couple need some time alone to sustain a relationship, perhaps this has been a big part of your problem.

sassyblue

affordmylife wrote: »

he will say he is unhappy because he hates our family pet whom our daughter and i love and that is why he is miserable. he is such a spoilt child wanting his own way. its a dog !!!!!! and we have had it 6 years x

and thank you all for your very kind replies x

Well that's a bit childish! But you've also said he likes his own way, do you find you have to compromise for him all the time?

affordmylife

yes i have to compromise for him all the time. i have to cover for him when he is in a mood in front of family.

im forever making excuses for him. it is very wearing x

POPPYOSCAR

affordmylife wrote: »

yes i have to compromise for him all the time. i have to cover for him when he is in a mood in front of family.

im forever making excuses for him. it is very wearing x

Why do you feel you have to do that? Why not just let him get on with it?

affordmylife

i suppose i dont want people to think we arent getting on. i suppose i need to get real.

balletshoes

affordmylife wrote: »

im think that once she has left home we will end up going our separate ways.

we have discussed the situation and are both unhappy but he still loves me. i havent told him how i feel. i dont want to hurt him and im hanging on to the fact that we loved each other very much once.

there is absolutely no one else involved and i will probably never have another relationship if we break up.
its far far too much of a compromise and the return is not worth it.

Why do you think this? Yes, any relationship involves compromise, but why do you think the return is not worth it? What more did you have earlier in your relationship, or what did you expect to have?

balletshoes

affordmylife wrote: »

yes i have to compromise for him all the time. i have to cover for him when he is in a mood in front of family.

im forever making excuses for him. it is very wearing x

but you don't have to do that - he's an adult too, if he wants to strop in front of folk and make an idiot of himself, let him, stop pandering to him by covering for him. Maybe its time for him to get real - you stop covering for him and he might just have to face that he's acting like a fool and he's not impressing anyone.

POPPYOSCAR

I think that by covering up for him you are enabling his bad behaviour and therefore there is no reason for him to stop.

Does it really matter if others are aware that you are not getting on. Why live a life of pretence?

You need to get to the bottom of why he is so miserable, if you were mad about each other not that long ago, just what has happened?