trapped and so bloody unhappy

pearl123

This might sound stange but some people face's when they get older can look miserable/sad/grumpy. It can be their life showing on their face or it can be gravity! Maybe this adds to the impression that one's partner is grumpy. Communication should help improve things between your partner and yourself.
Glad by the way OP that you are trying to work it out.

gjs6385

Speaking from the other side of the fence - my parents split up when I was 17 and at college. It came as a big shock as with them both working different hours, I didn't notice that they didn't communicate as much and there were no tell tale signs i.e. constant rowing etc.

They just sat me down and explained what was happening and also a little about why. My dad moved out and, after a little bit of time, it was obvious that they were both happier to get on with their lives.

As long as you don't put the your daughter in the middle of it and make it clear that you both still love her and it has nothing to do with her (as that will probably be he first thought) then you have to think about what will make you happy, which from the sounds of it is unfortunately walking away from this man.

In the long run, you will all get used to it and if you're both happy separately then your daughter will be happy too.

newmumincov

My first husband became increasingly grumpy in the last year or two of our relationship. He was completely unbearable after a while, a complete curmudgeon who could suck the fun out of everything.

It turned out to have been undiagnosed diabetes.

Has your husband ever had his blood sugar checked? Even if he's not overweight, he could still have type 2 diabetes - it's not uncommon for it to occur in slimmer middle agers.

We didn't have kids and a joint mortgage, and there were other issues that meant it was better to part, but it explained a lot.

Working late/night shifts long term could also cause a lot of problems like depression. Could you consider vit D3 supplements or a SAD daylight lamp?

seven-day-weekend

Mrs_De_Bris wrote: »

I'm sorry but I think this is an appalling suggestion. There are far too many dogs just gotten rid of because it no longer suits. "It" is a living thing. It is clear that the OP and her daughter love the dog.

But the marriage ias more important than the dog. If re-homing it would help the marriage I would say do so.

However in this case I don't think it will help, the OP would feel resentful if she had to get rid of the dog.

OP, have you ever actually TALKED about why he is miserable? It surely just can't be because of the dog?

[Deleted User]

You obviously feel that there is still some life in your relationship and I hope that there is. Only you and he can decide if you BOTH are prepared to work at what's wrong.., and to be honest, counselling should be an option. If he's prepared to work at it with you.., u probably can save the relationship and both be happier. But if he won't u may need to look at things from an outsiders/dispassionate view and work out if its worth staying.

The reason I am saying this is because I was in a pretty similiar relationship. We had a then 8 year old son. My now ex was quite depressive but wouldn't do anything about it.., we had many discussions, promises of changes (which would last two days and then it would be back to normal).., I had to think of everything, arrange everything and do everything and it was totally exhausting. I tried everything over the years, being sympathetic and supportive, being matter of fact etc etc. Underneath I realised that my now ex was probably completely selfish but on the surface, altho I knew I was very unhappy I kept telling myself he's a nice man, he doesn't deserve me leaving him and I didn't want to upset things for my son.

Things went further and further downhill.., and I ended up spending nearly a year hiding out in the study because i couldn't bear to look at him, deep down I knew he was manipulative but I didn't know what to do about it.., how to split up or if I really wanted that, so I didn't admit this to myself except deep down. I realised however much I wanted to not hurt him, it was survival, I had to get out.

Once we started living seperately, and he finally realised that we were never going to get back together, then the selfishness I deep down suspected was there but never consciously admitted to came out. It ended up with him refusing to even see our son.., just to get back at me. He gave up on the charm offensive (lies and false promises) and became rather nasty. I realised that this was the real him.., that what I accepted as him being a nice guy was actually very manipulative and I should have left a lot sooner. Now, I wouldn't give him the time of day. Its very sad that this is what the relationship has come to but honestly, he was given every chance and more to be a decent human being.

I am not saying this is what is happening to you.., but telling you my story in case some of it rings true. Sometimes we aren't able to be honest with ourselves because deep down we want to maintain the status quo even tho the status quo is what's making us miserable.

plumtreebabe

As for covering up for him - I had been doing this for years with my ex, and when we finally spit up everyone said 'oh the worm has turned at last', they all knew what he was like and how unhappy I had been, even though I thought I'd been hiding it!

affordmylife

thank you all again. very valuable comments.

we have been away together this weekend which was rather tense at times but on the whole ok. we were with two other couples and it made me realise that we should try to do more together.

by sunday evening i felt a lot better about things generally and more hopeful.

i really really dont want to give up on our marriage.

we are having a day and night alone this coming weekend as dd is on a sleepover so we will spend the time totally together and hopefully do a bit more talking.

we will work it out xxxx

POPPYOSCAR

affordmylife wrote: »

thank you all again. very valuable comments.

we have been away together this weekend which was rather tense at times but on the whole ok. we were with two other couples and it made me realise that we should try to do more together.

by sunday evening i felt a lot better about things generally and more hopeful.

i really really dont want to give up on our marriage.

we are having a day and night alone this coming weekend as dd is on a sleepover so we will spend the time totally together and hopefully do a bit more talking.

we will work it out xxxx

You are sounding so much more positive now and that is brilliant news.

Keep at it and most of all, be happy, you only live once!

Brighton_belle

OP, it is heart warming to see how much better you feel since your first post. This is when these forums work so marvellously, when others are able to share their experiences and perspectives.
Good luck with the working it out and working at it.

lady1964

Hi OP,
Glad to read that things have improved for you both.
I was going to suggest 'date nights' for you to go out together so that you can have adult time together without your daughter. I realise this may not be possible on a regular basis, perhaps you could get a baby-sitter, or your daughter could have a sleep-over at a friend's once a month, with you returning the favour once a month.
I think it's important for mums & dads to remember they are still a couple and need their own 'couple' time. It's too easy to get bogged down in everyday life and neglect each other, without intending to.
It does seem that this is happening but that you have realised this and are making efforts to improve your relationship! Good luck to you x