trapped and so bloody unhappy

Mrs_De_Bris

whitewing wrote: »

Does he hate the dog because it disrupts his sleep during the day? If so, then I would definitely get rid of it.

Is it working nights that is making your husband miserable, ie genuine biological reason. Could he move to days?

I'm sorry but I think this is an appalling suggestion. There are far too many dogs just gotten rid of because it no longer suits. "It" is a living thing. It is clear that the OP and her daughter love the dog.

Kay_Peel

Emotionally, you have already left him.

And is it any wonder? It's hard to live with a man who sulks, scowls and is habitually miserable. It brings you down and breaks your spirit eventually.

If he's been this morose, dreary and dispiriting for the last 8 years then I can't see how any counselling will make much difference to his behaviour. Can you? If he's been sulking over the family dog for 6 years, and taking out his resentment on you, then what hope is there?

I think you need to consider three things:

(1) Get a better job with longer hours, that pays more, if you can. You have choices once you are not financially dependent.
(2) Tell your husband that you consider yourself 'separated but living under the same roof'. Start doing things alone and with your daughter. Leave him to think about whether or not he likes the change in circumstances and being excluded - it may be a wake-up call for him.
(3) Start planning a new future for yourself - saving money, learning new skills, keeping up with a circle of friends, for instance.

It might make you feel better, more positive and able to face the future with hope.

Good luck and keep your spirit burning.

MarilynMonroe_2

My ultimate advice is dont do anything because someone on an internet forum suggested it. You can be talked into the wrong thing on forums where relationship advice goes especially... you get told you can do better, you deserve better etc etc and really the problem gets blown out of all proportion! Good Luck, I think sound off by all means but only you know ... you say you can't see yourself with anyone else, maybe thats a positive sign to work on your marriage together/ xx

Giddytimes

Speaking of the daughter of two parents who only stayed together because of children and money, neither are the right reason.

I was very aware my parents were unhappy and it upset me growing up, the constant arguments and short tempers in the house made me feel like I was always walking on eggshells.

Both my parents were on anti depressants for many, many years and both attempted suicide because they were so unhappy.
When I was 13 I realised my Dad had a string of other women he would visit, which disgusted me and tarnished my opinion of him. Of course looking back at that point my parents hadn't shared a room for 3 years, I no longer think badly of my Dad for seeing other women, but that's not how you see the world when you're a child.

As a child you don't want your parents to divorce, but I honestly wish they had, they would have both been much happier for it.

Unbelievably they are still together now, still in separate rooms, both say they cannot afford to leave each other.

I'm not suggesting your situation is anywhere near as extreme but your daughter will pick up on your unhappiness and it isn't fair for you to just carry on as things are.

Having said I'm also not suggesting you just leave, your husband might be moody but there are a lot worse partners out there, marriage is meant to be for life, you should attempt to sort it out by talking to Relate. Hopefully things can be put back on track.

Janey3

I wouldn't get rid of the dog. I feel if you did, he would soon find something else to be "unhappy" about.

flutterby_lil

I can kind of empathise with your husband - I hate dogs - I have a phobia against them. I was attacked by one when little.

When I first met my OH he had a dog - we didn't live together but everytime he came to see me he would bring the dog - I am very house proud and hated the hairs, the smell of dog food, the dog having to sit on my knee when he was driving, the drool on the window when it touched the window (makes me feel sick now!!). He used to let the dog on the bed, settee, sit on his knee when watching tv etc etc. I detested it and nearly called the relationship off. It used to sleep at the bottom of the bed and keep me awake. It made my skin crawl. I am not like this with all animals just dogs. I used to have a cat. Our family have never had pets, I have 5 brothers and sisters and none of us have pets or want them. It stems from childhood.

If your Husband is like me I can see how a dog makes him so miserable - sorry if I offend with my attitude to dogs, just offering some advice from the other side.

gratefulforhelp_2

whitewing wrote: »

Does he hate the dog because it disrupts his sleep during the day? If so, then I would definitely get rid of it.

Disgraceful.

OP did he agree to getting the dog?

6 years is a very long sulk.

poorly_scammo

I don't believe getting rid of the dog (which is a part of the family and has done nothing wrong) will really change the relationship.

From what the OP has written, the dog-issue is a symptom not the cause of their marital problems.

Counselling for them both might help but the OP doesn't sound as though she wants to be married to her husband any longer. Counselling for the OP alone might help alot.

barbiedoll

How long has he worked night shifts? Working permanent nights is very very hard on a person, both physically and mentally, and it's especially hard on a couple. My husband has worked nights for the last 4 years and it's been a real struggle for us and for almost all of his colleagues who are in relationships. There have been several break-ups and many workers have left because their partners just can't handle it.

The trouble with working opposite shifts is that you really do lead two separate lives. When my DH is coming home from work, I am just getting up to start my day. While he wants to talk about his night at work, all I want is a cup of tea and the newspaper. When I'm getting ready for bed, he's getting up for work so if I want to speak to him about my day, our son or household problems, he just grunts in reply because to him, it's first thing in the "morning". We suffered terribly for the first year and at times, we both felt, as you do now, that our relationship was going nowhere, we were both grumpy, frustrated and we were letting small niggles turn into big rows. If we had to spend any time together, it just ended up in a big argument because we never had the time to sort out the small problems.

It took a few heart-to-heart chats and a LOT of give and take on both sides but now we're jogging along much better. My DH is a natural grump, I've learned to ignore his tantrums and sulks and he knows that I just don't care if he rants when we're in the supermarket or at someone else's house. If anything, I laugh at him, which defuses the situation. We spoke to our son and told him that we were having problems but that we were working on them and to not worry if he heard us rowing. I give DH a lot more leeway now because I know that he is permanently tired, he doesn't eat properly unless I nag him and he misses me and our son. We don't socialise much, we don't have much money and we rarely even get Christmas together because of his job. But I know that he only sticks it out so that we can keep our home and pay our bills and debts. I try to see things from his point of view, as he does mine. We've learned to communicate in short bursts because we simply don't have the time for long protracted conversations about the weather or X-Factor. So we keep small niggles, nagging and whinging to a bare minimum.

It's not been easy but I do know exactly how you're feeling, there was a time when I just felt like grabbing my handbag, my passport and my kid and running away. But I wanted my son to have both of his parents and I did make my DH aware of how his actions affected our family life. I also listened when he drew my attention to my short-comings, there's usually faults on both sides.

Do try to speak to your husband, Relate is a good idea if you can't bring yourself to speak calmly or you don't think that he will listen. It's worth trying to salvage what you can after all of this time, at least if you've tried, you can walk away with a clear conscience.

affordmylife

barbie doll and everyone else thank you so much for all the brilliant questions and suggestions.

im very very grateful.

he has now been doing nights for about two years and lately has been doing overtime a lot so even more tired.

we dont argue but i agree sometimes there is an atmosphere.

we bought the dog together and the dog is definitely staying. he doesnt disturb his sleep (which is something!).

we have talked a bit and things are better today.

i think this will always be a tricky marriage but im sticking with it and will try to talk and improve things.

thank you all again for your valuable input xxx