Ex Boyfriend Demanding Money

Endofmytether1

I'm hoping someone can offer me some advice please! Six weeks ago I left my boyfriend who was emotionally and physically abusive. At the time, we were living with his parents (I was paying them rent) as we were trying to save money so we could get our own place. (Rather, I was trying to save money while he frittered away most of his monthly paypacket in the bookies and the pub!)

Prior to this, I had my own flat which I was renting and my boyfriend moved in with me. My monthly outgoings were around £1000 pcm including bills and my boyfriend reluctantly gave me £250 towards rent and food. I was also running a car which I was paying for him to be insured on plus if we ever went out we split the cost 50/50. Around a year ago we went on holiday to Mexico which came to £3000 for both of us :eek: but I paid £950 in cash and my boyfriend put the rest on his credit card, having agreed that he would pay the remainder for my half of the holiday as I paid for nearly everything else in the house.

Cut a long story short - he is living at home with his parents still and I have just had to find my own place again seeing as I have left him. Despite the fact he contacts me non stop via letters to my workplace (I have blocked his email and changed my number), yesterday he wrote to me to say he is 'very angry' with me, cannot understand why I left (beating me up, being manipulative and bullying me dont seem to be valid reasons in his book) and he wants me to contribute towards his credit card payments (which are £80 per month). Now I know apart from the holiday he also racked up debts through online betting using that particular credit card and I get the impression he wants me to bail him out. He has also requested that I return a DVD that he thinks I took from his house - I didnt and this particular DVD has been missing for about 7 months now but he is adamant I have got it.

Am I right to be furious? I am working very hard to pay for a flat, food, bills, my own personal debts and travel to and from work while he is living at home with no outgoings - apart from his credit card. He is also trying to get me to contribute towards a TV he took out on finance, which HE has got.

What is the best thing to do here? My parents have told me to ignore him but I am scared that he will get even angrier and do something awful. I was thinking of writing a letter, polite but firm, just to tell him I won't be contributing financially but my friends have said that this is playing into his hands.

Any help would be really appreciated. Thanks so much for reading this.

Giddytimes

Endofmytether1 wrote: »

Am I right to be furious?

You have every right to be furious!

Personally I wouldn't respond, he might not write about it again and a letter telling him you won't be contributing is more likely to push him over the edge than just ignoring him.
If he continues to write (maybe another 4/5 times) asking for money maybe then reply with a letter explaining why you don't owe him anything, send a copy addressed to his parents too, they might persuade him to stop writing.

Hopefully he'll just give up if you ignore the first couple of letters.

Congratulations on being strong enough to leave him. :T He's still trying to manipulate you the only way he now can, don't give in.

dark_lady

Endofmytether1 wrote: »

I'm hoping someone can offer me some advice please! Six weeks ago I left my boyfriend who was emotionally and physically abusive. At the time, we were living with his parents (I was paying them rent) as we were trying to save money so we could get our own place. (Rather, I was trying to save money while he frittered away most of his monthly paypacket in the bookies and the pub!)

Prior to this, I had my own flat which I was renting and my boyfriend moved in with me. My monthly outgoings were around £1000 pcm including bills and my boyfriend reluctantly gave me £250 towards rent and food. I was also running a car which I was paying for him to be insured on plus if we ever went out we split the cost 50/50. Around a year ago we went on holiday to Mexico which came to £3000 for both of us :eek: but I paid £950 in cash and my boyfriend put the rest on his credit card, having agreed that he would pay the remainder for my half of the holiday as I paid for nearly everything else in the house.

Cut a long story short - he is living at home with his parents still and I have just had to find my own place again seeing as I have left him. Despite the fact he contacts me non stop via letters to my workplace (I have blocked his email and changed my number), yesterday he wrote to me to say he is 'very angry' with me, cannot understand why I left (beating me up, being manipulative and bullying me dont seem to be valid reasons in his book) and he wants me to contribute towards his credit card payments (which are £80 per month). Now I know apart from the holiday he also racked up debts through online betting using that particular credit card and I get the impression he wants me to bail him out. He has also requested that I return a DVD that he thinks I took from his house - I didnt and this particular DVD has been missing for about 7 months now but he is adamant I have got it.

Am I right to be furious? I am working very hard to pay for a flat, food, bills, my own personal debts and travel to and from work while he is living at home with no outgoings - apart from his credit card. He is also trying to get me to contribute towards a TV he took out on finance, which HE has got.

What is the best thing to do here? My parents have told me to ignore him but I am scared that he will get even angrier and do something awful. I was thinking of writing a letter, polite but firm, just to tell him I won't be contributing financially but my friends have said that this is playing into his hands.

Any help would be really appreciated. Thanks so much for reading this.

He was being financially abusive as well hun. And he still is by the sounds of it.

Kay_Peel

Keep your letter short and sweet.

'You are harrassing me at work and at my home. You have demanded money with menaces. If you continue to contact me in such threatening tones, I will have no hesitation in complaining to the police and supporting a prosecution against you.

As for your credit card and finance debts - nice try, sunshine, but you can go and whistle. By my reckoning you owe me £250 for every month that you lived in my flat. Your debts are yours, not mine.

I'm relieved to have you out of my life - you were useless, a sponger, violent and manipulative. I'll tell the police about the assaults too, unless you go boil your head and don't contact me again."

In your position, I would feel more than angry, I'd be furious - and I'd let him know it. But that's me and I know that my style of tackling him may not suit you.

At the very least, keep records of his constant calls and don't hesitate to go to the police if you feel at risk from him.

Good luck and well done for giving him the boot.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Ignore him. Any attention is engaging with him.

Although I would be looking at consulting a solicitor/women's aid with a view to getting an injunction (or whatever they are called) out to prevent him from contacting you anywhere.

KME91

Write back to him once, stating firmly that you no longer want any contact from him whatsoever, and that you do not accept that you owe him any money. keep a copy. Consider getting in touch with the police and maybe seeking some kind of restraining order so he can no longer contact you. Especially if you feel threatened by him. and definitely keep all records of contact. And well done for ditching the loser.

conradmum

If I understand his type correctly, the best thing to do is ignore him. He is the kind that feeds on emotional upheaval and distress and you'll be encouraging his behaviour if you rise to the bait. He's continuing his abusive behaviour even though you've left. If things are going to escalate, as they may do, he will do that regardless of whether you respond, pay him some money or whatever.

If you ever have concrete evidence of a threat from him, take it to the police. If he tries to speak to you alone (even over the phone), don't let him. Always have a witness present to hear what he has to say. That way you can nip his behaviour in the bud so things don't become more serious.

DVardysShadow

I think you have to engage with him to a certain degree. As I see it, there is a not totally unreasonable claim for £550, arising from the holiday - although I would agree that you are probably owed more in other ways. If there are any identifiable debts he has with you, please mention them here.

Under no circumstances get involved with paying £80/month to his credit card. That is an open ended commitment where you will never show that you have settled anything.

I would suggest that you write a letter and offer £550 'without prejudice' and 'in full and final settlement of all matters'. Insist that all exchanges are in writing and that on payment of the £550, any further attempt at discussion or contact will be taken as harassment. Keep A Copy of your letter.

As a solution, this is less than totally satisfactory. BUT, feeling that this will still drag on, I would say that you need to put something in place to show that you have been reasonable and to preempt any excuses for him dragging this on.

each_uisge

Under no circumstances reply to him at all - despite what others have said who have replied to this thread, you are only engaging with him further. Also, you don't owe him a penny, it was his decision to put the balance of the holiday on his credit card, it's in his name not yours. The onus would be on him to prove in a court of law that you owe him anything and from what has been posted this would be very difficult for him indeed.

If you have had to resort to blocking his emails and changing your phone number it sounds like he's been harassing you using those means. Now he can no longer do that he's resorted to writing letters to your place of work? If it were me I'd be going to the Police and reporting him for harassment, explaining that you were previously in an abusive relationship with him and now he won't leave you alone.

Get in touch with Womens Aid as soon as you possibly can for further advice: telephone number: 0808 2000 247. Sounds to me like you need to get an injunction out on this person to stop him from bothering you.

Good luck, please post back on how you get on.

And just in case you skimmed that bit:

phone Womens Aid on 08082000247 as soon as possible for advice

FarmersWife_2

Endofmytether1 wrote: »

I'm hoping someone can offer me some advice please! Six weeks ago I left my boyfriend who was emotionally and physically abusive. At the time, we were living with his parents (I was paying them rent) as we were trying to save money so we could get our own place. (Rather, I was trying to save money while he frittered away most of his monthly paypacket in the bookies and the pub!)

Prior to this, I had my own flat which I was renting and my boyfriend moved in with me. My monthly outgoings were around £1000 pcm including bills and my boyfriend reluctantly gave me £250 towards rent and food. I was also running a car which I was paying for him to be insured on plus if we ever went out we split the cost 50/50. Around a year ago we went on holiday to Mexico which came to £3000 for both of us :eek: but I paid £950 in cash and my boyfriend put the rest on his credit card, having agreed that he would pay the remainder for my half of the holiday as I paid for nearly everything else in the house.

Cut a long story short - he is living at home with his parents still and I have just had to find my own place again seeing as I have left him. Despite the fact he contacts me non stop via letters to my workplace (I have blocked his email and changed my number), yesterday he wrote to me to say he is 'very angry' with me, cannot understand why I left (beating me up, being manipulative and bullying me dont seem to be valid reasons in his book) and he wants me to contribute towards his credit card payments (which are £80 per month). Now I know apart from the holiday he also racked up debts through online betting using that particular credit card and I get the impression he wants me to bail him out. He has also requested that I return a DVD that he thinks I took from his house - I didnt and this particular DVD has been missing for about 7 months now but he is adamant I have got it.

Am I right to be furious? I am working very hard to pay for a flat, food, bills, my own personal debts and travel to and from work while he is living at home with no outgoings - apart from his credit card. He is also trying to get me to contribute towards a TV he took out on finance, which HE has got.

What is the best thing to do here? My parents have told me to ignore him but I am scared that he will get even angrier and do something awful. I was thinking of writing a letter, polite but firm, just to tell him I won't be contributing financially but my friends have said that this is playing into his hands.

Any help would be really appreciated. Thanks so much for reading this.

Report him to the police NOW.... Keep a record of every time he contacts you. You are protected from this by The Harrassment Act. If he feels you owe him money then the place to sort it is for him to lodge it with court.

I take it you have recipts for money you spent out? Was there a written agreement about the cost of the holiday?

Dont enter into conversation with him, if he turns up at your home or work phone the police and have it logged, you dont have to have them come out... do it and do it NOW...

C x

Emmzi

All his actions are about continued attempots to control you.

1. No contact. If he believes you owe him he can go to court.

2. Make the police aware he has been violent towards you, of your mobile number, home and work addresses. You need RAPID response if he shows up.

3. Contact women's aid for support.

4. Consider some kind of restraining order, discuss possibility with solicitor.