Unfaithful but not physically?

Oldernotwiser

pinkfluffythings wrote: »

Been together 3 years and no children thank god, feel like Ive wasted 3 years of my life on a hurtful xxxx, I've just got the all clear after having cancer so my life is precious


I hope he does read this

Although I agree that the time's come to end the relationship, I don't think that you should think of this time as a waste.

Presumably your fiance has supported you through your illness and it sounds as if he's spent a long time agonising over this woman and your relationship, without acting out of lust or impulse, which speaks to me of a man of care and integrity.

I'd leave now with dignity and without too many recriminations (if you can manage that) and look towards the future.

victory

I agree with what you are saying older I do but it is just the line...he has spent a long time agonising over this woman and your relationship, shoe on other foot imagine how bad that makes the OP feel that whilst in their relationship trugging along not sensing anything only now to know that she never had him heart body and soul least of all mind

Emmzi

This sounds massively Grange Hill.

Just ask him about it FGS!

pinkfluffythings

Well it turns out he has been spinning a web of lies to (he says) one person, making out he is doing this and that with other girls. He says he did have feelings for this girl but didnt act on them, yet what he had been saying for months was a different story.

So he says he has a problem, is sick because he tells these lies to make his life better or him sound a big man.

Do I believe the lies were actually lies? He said he's away into work to tell everyone the truth, tell this other woman what he's been saying and wants to fix it, seek counselling for his problems - again.

Its me that needs counselling after going through months, from april-ish time, of hell, knowing something wasn't quite right yet being accused of being a nut case. Huh!

Lotus-eater

pinkfluffythings wrote: »

Well it turns out he has been spinning a web of lies to (he says) one person, making out he is doing this and that with other girls. He says he did have feelings for this girl but didnt act on them, yet what he had been saying for months was a different story.

So he says he has a problem, is sick because he tells these lies to make his life better or him sound a big man.

Do I believe the lies were actually lies? He said he's away into work to tell everyone the truth, tell this other woman what he's been saying and wants to fix it, seek counselling for his problems - again.

Its me that needs counselling after going through months, from april-ish time, of hell, knowing something wasn't quite right yet being accused of being a nut case. Huh!

Together with the anger issues, he doesn't sound much of a catch tbh. Are you sure you still want him?

pinkfluffythings

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Together with the anger issues, he doesn't sound much of a catch tbh. Are you sure you still want him?

I would normally go and stay with my Mum when we have a major fight but this time I'm going no where. There have been occasions in the past that getting my belongings, having access to MY house (rented in my name) have been threw in my face so I don't trust him, my only saving grace is he knows I have the power to ruin him, work wise and in his personal life and I have told him that this has to go my way or no way.
I sound hard but I know what he is like and know the kind of things he throws in my face

Thank you xxx

Lotus-eater

pinkfluffythings wrote: »

I would normally go and stay with my Mum when we have a major fight but this time I'm going no where. There have been occasions in the past that getting my belongings, having access to MY house (rented in my name) have been threw in my face so I don't trust him, my only saving grace is he knows I have the power to ruin him, work wise and in his personal life and I have told him that this has to go my way or no way.
I sound hard but I know what he is like and know the kind of things he throws in my face

Thank you xxx

Tbh, it sounds a horrible relationship, I don't understand it.

VfM4meplse

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Although I agree that the time's come to end the relationship, I don't think that you should think of this time as a waste.

Presumably your fiance has supported you through your illness and it sounds as if he's spent a long time agonising over this woman and your relationship, without acting out of lust or impulse, which speaks to me of a man of care and integrity.

I'd leave now with dignity and without too many recriminations (if you can manage that) and look towards the future.

Good advice ONW.

I agree that it's time to walk away, whatever your fiance is upto now, he had the decency to support you through your illness. You don't however need to put yourself through any additional stress.

There are plenty of men out there without divided interests.

snowmaid

thorsoak wrote: »

Personally, I would find it far harder to forgive unfaithfullness of the heart/mind than I would physical unfaithfulness.

Think about the future ...how do you see yourself and your OH in two years' time? In five years' time? Will he still be yearning for the unattainable? Only you know the answer.

Best wishes for whatever you decide. {{hugs}}

Is it unfaithfulness though? If you fall for someone else, it just means that you never truly love the other person, or maybe you did, but perhaps in a different way? If my OH came home and said he slept with someone, but not to worry, it is only physical and never meant anything, I would tell him exactly where to get off and somehow be more hurt than if he came home and said he has been battling with his feelings, he never wanted to hurt me, but he has fallen for someone else. Yes, it would hurt, but there is not control over that. I wouldn't want him to stay with me because he feels obliged to, but is in effect in love with someone else, because then he isn't mine.

FattyBettyBoo

I think it betrayal more than unfaithful. You feel betrayed because you had this image in your head of how your relationship should be and him doing this has shattered that image. A lot of people put expectations onto a relationship and feel let down when they are not met. You have to know what you want from a relationship and what you are not going to accept and stick to it. This is very grey area you are in - many will say he has done nothing wrong and that good relationships can go through worse than that, others will say that this is intolerable and tell you you deserve better.