Unfaithful but not physically?

pinkfluffythings

I was going to post earlier today but decided to wait a while which I am glad I did as it would have been all over the place.

My "fiance" met an old female friend via work in about April time. He works with many young women (we'll call her Lucy) on and off so it was nothing out of the norm. Every day he was telling me this and that about her and you could see that look, like it was more than just a friends thing. Then he started not telling me they had went for coffee or had seen each other, that is not a big deal to me but I soon realised he was telling me one thing and was doing another.

Anyway we went through a bad patch at the start of July due to his anger towards me and excessive laptop use which meant we actually had no time with each other, other than sleeping.
I left for a week, we went to Relate and I gave him 1 last chance not to treat me like dirt and to control his anger. I brought her name up at our meeting at Relate, purely due to the fact he was telling her about or relationship problems instead of talking to me, she could have been a guy at work I would still have spoke about this. He never spoke much about her after that until a few weeks ago but I believe men and women can be just friends but still seen that look when he said her name as apposed to any of the other female mates he has.


Fast forward to a few weeks ago, her name was popping up again, I asked about her when he was telling me about her problems, personal problems and things she had been doing. I actually took a genuine interest.

So Sunday night we were going out (which is rare as I am in a bit of ill health) myself and a lot of people from his job which I also know, I knew she was invited and was actually looking forward to meeting her as I had by now put my feelings down to me being silly and him having a great mate.

She was a lovely girl, really nice and we got on well, I could see that she would be a good friend, a bit scatty in candyfloss land but I really liked her.
I went to the loo, was followed by another female associated (I'm having to be careful with my wording due to his job!) with his work and basically told "so your XXXXXX fiancee?" I said yeah I am and she said how much she loved him and how funny he was, she was a bit of a nutter so never thought anything of it.
I was then having a chat with another person connected to his work, who is usually light hearted but said did I not mind him bringing Lucy, I said of course not it was great to be meeting her after feeling like I knew her but his face said differently.

After having yesterday to think I decided to ask him did he know something I didn't. I was sworn to secrecy as to who this came from, told I deserved to know the truth and I was too nice to be messed about and told me everyone in work knew he fancied her so much it was the running joke and I was sent a screen dump thing of a facebook conversation between my "fiance" and yet another bloke from work.
This conversation was how he was falling for her, had massive feelings for her and was torn between both of us, didnt want me to be the one to fall back on as it wasnt fair but he didnt know what to do and he was falling in love with her ..... yet she didn't know any of this. So this poor girl knows nothing about this, god love her!

We've had a hugh fight, I don't want to know him and as far as I'm concerned its over but I'm not leaving tonight as I have to think logistically about my belongings and bills. He can't see what he did wrong as it was a conversation about his feelings and he never acted on them yet I feel that he should have 1) nipped it in the bud asap 2) not have developed feelings if he really 100% loved me like I loved him.

I need other peoples opinions, he probably will read this as he knows I spill my guts on here all the time so if he wants to respond then go for it. It would be good for him to see what others think that have no connection to both of us. I hope I've explained this ok, I'm all over the place tonight x

pinkfluffythings

Sorry this is so long

Plans_all_plans

I would be massively hurt.

How long have you been together? If you're not married and there are no children to worry about, I'd be thinking of calling time on this relationship. If you've already been to Relate and he's still not distancing himself from her, then he's being very unfair on you. Either he loves you 100% or he doesn't.

[Deleted User]

couldn't read and run but big hugs, i've got to settle the little people AGAIN, but will return. hang in there.

pinkfluffythings

Been together 3 years and no children thank god, feel like Ive wasted 3 years of my life on a hurtful xxxx, I've just got the all clear after having cancer so my life is precious


I hope he does read this

psychopathbabble

If it's true that he was developing feelings for someone else, then I'd get out of there. I believe that if you truly love someone and want to be with them then no-one else gets a look in.

I know it's a hard thing to do, and you always want to have that hope that it'll work out but you deserve someone who will love you 100% and be there for you. Yes, people make mistakes but this seems be something that has been developing over time. You are worth a whole lot more and I hope you realise it xx

ETA Having the all clear after cancer... that is amazing news!! Now get out there, live life to the max and have no regrets!! xx

PS My housemate has just been through a nightmare relationship, her ex having got a new gf but still declaring his love for my housemate... If the guy is genuine then he will call it quits with the other woman and lay his cards on the table for you to see all. My housemates ex didn't do this, he wanted the best of both worlds and finally my housemate has realised this and met a lovely new guy!

Elle7

Oh wow.

Well, I think you have made the right decision. He had plenty of opportunities to 'save' things with you and he didn't bother. Not only that, but he knew other people knew about his feelings, and still took you out with them - he should have respected you enough to not put you in that situation.

I don't think he'll change...he doesn't seem to want too, and he'd need to want too or he'd just go back to his old ways once he thought it was 'safe' again...

I'm sure other people will be able to articulate what I'm trying to say much better, but you only live once and you deserve much, much better.

Plans_all_plans

Wow, you've had a lot to contend with. How was he through your illness? Although it must've been hard for him to see you so ill etc, it is his role and his duty to be a support to you through the bad times. If he's failed at this already, then I think I'd move on.

Proc

pinkfluffythings wrote: »

I hope he does read this

I don't. He doesn't deserve to know the pain he has caused you.

The best thing you can do is leave him and move on. If you were married with kids I'd probably say give him another chance.

Put your head up high, and walk away. You deserve better than someone who chases a bit of skirt when his long-term partner is battling a life-threatening illness.

415SanFran

You will never find Mr Right while you are with Mr WRONG.

To be honest I would have been looking to an exit the moment he was violent, don't really see what this relationship is giving you.

Leave him and find someone that will respect you

cavework

Hi OP
Your fiance met up with an old female friend .. was this an ex from the past?
She now works with him?
Your partner admitted he had feelings for this other person via facebook or whatever?
This conversation was how he was falling for her, had massive feelings for her and was torn between both of us, didnt want me to be the one to fall back on as it wasnt fair but he didnt know what to do and he was falling in love with her ..... yet she didn't know any of this. So this poor girl knows nothing about this, god love her!
Tell your partner to make his mind up .. here and now. Does he want the real woman he lives with and shares his life with or would he prefer to take his chances with someone who does not even have an inkling that he is interested?
This Guy is living in cloud cuckoo land and my bet is if you kick him out he will be back within a week with his tail well and truly between his legs.
If he isn't you have lost nothing.
x
415SanFran has hit the nail on the head.. get out of this rubbish relationship and meet someone who will respect you.
xx