Taxi...from an ugly duckling to a swan

Piquant_2

Dearest taxi

I don't have words to help you, I'm so sorry. Buffy has put everything so eloquently for me.

You can and must get through this, I did and I am not nearly as strong as you, it is a dark place you are in, but you will find your way out for your family. I like the others love and care for you even if we haven't met, you have touched my heart with you gentle strength, kindness and fun.

Piq x

The_Dragon

Just sending more hugs Taxi

Ellidee

Taxi so very sorry you are going through this - wish I knew how to help but you have had some good advice from Buffy and others. Thinking of you and sending loving positive thoughts. Xx

Snagggles

Hey Taxi, just wanted to pop in and send my love. You are such an inspiration, and so courageous. I haven't been around here for *so* long (had to set up a new profile...long and uninteresting story...) but you are one of the people whose diary kept me going through the hard times. Be brave, wonderful lady and never stop fighting. xx

Karmacat

Oh Taxi ... I'm so glad Buffy was here when you were in the depths of despair, I'm so glad you had the courage to post here when you felt that bad, and post truthfully and with such power as well. As much as anyone who's not going through it can, I understand those feelings - and that they're getting worse too, they kind of feed on themselves so the thing to do is interrupt that cycle of the bad feelings feeding on themselves, by putting in good stuff, even if you don't connect to it at first, so that you can get back to the chemo, finish it off, and get out of there for good - thats the aim, after all, getting back to your life on your terms.

So there's a few bits that Buffy said that I want to agree with *even more* and add a bit of stuff in, hope thats okay:

- you've said you have no appetite for 4 days - tho you may have managed to keep down one meal at the very end of all this. I'm glad you tried to eat, but the even more important thing is to stay hydrated - water, juice, tea, herb tea, anything. Lots of people who have difficult swallowing and eating eat cucumber, or fruit puree, which have loads and loads of water in them, but aren't actually water.

- sleep is always going to be helpful, and so is fresh air, though its so cold out there at the moment, that could be a bit tricky.

- if you can see the chemo suite in your head, work on trying to keep another picture there, to replace it with something positive - a picture of JJ, or OH, or the two of you on holiday, even a lovely picture from a magazine. Anything at all, so long as its positive, and you can carry it in your head, as well as in your handbag if you can.

- a journal is a great idea. Small enough to carry in your bag, whenever you do go out, sitting in the car, whatever. You don't need to show it to anyone, you may decide to burn it one day, but just to keep letting things out, it can be helpful.

Journals aren't just words, by the way - drawings, stick figures, whatever, using crayons, felt tips, whatever you feel like.

- fear is a terrible feeling - how do you see it, when you think of it? It can be changed, often, but I agree, the work is terribly hard. One way of doing that work is to imagine how your fear *looks* to you, and to imagine another, positive part of you (or us lot on here, come to that) attacking the fear, and subduing it. Yes, it may spring up again, but you just bash it down again, or let it dribble away through a grate in the road, anything to get shut of it.

- panic attacks - it sounds old fashioned, but breathing slowly for 5 minutes or so into a paper bag can help, while you do the image work in your head. Part of the panic feeling is about too much oxygen in your blood, and breathing in the air you've just breathed out can lower the oxygen pretty efficiently. Its got the carbon dioxide you've just breathed out in it, thats why.

- the other thing that reinforces a panic attack is adrenalin, like when you've had too much coffee and you get the shakes - "its just too much caffeine", can become "its just too much adrenaline" - I can guess exercise feels totally impossible at the moment, that would give the adrenaline something to do and you could get rid of it, but try to *imagine* yourself exercising - if you can throw yourself into that, you can actually get about 30% of the benefit of exercising, just from imagining it. There's been a fair amount of research.

Another positive image can help here - maybe the one you use to replace your view of the chemo suite, maybe something else. You can have lots of tools to get through this, not just one.

Holding something real can be helpful - an emergency dentist I went to once, for a filling that fell out on Christmas Eve (on Merseyside, not even my regular dentist) gave me a piece of rose quartz to hold. That sort of thing.

And, you're not going crazy. You're terrified of whats going on, and thats actually a very sane thing, to be scared of what you're going through. Thats how I see it, anyway. Hydration, sleep, journal-writing, drawing, images you carry with you, maybe something real you carry with you.

All this is bloody time consuming, Taxi, and takes energy, but hopefully some of it will appeal to you enough to do some of it, and thats a start.

With love to you, Taxi, and hoping the professionals around you can give you more help.

bast

Taxi I do think Karma is absolutely right about keeping hydrated.. Also not eating and lack of sleep is probably not helping. As everyone says we cannot imagine how you must feel, but I would imagine that the chemo suite brings out the worst pain and memories for you.. It is no wonder you are having panic attacks. I seriously do not think you are mentally ill.. I think you are trying to do battle against a sh1tty disease that would mess with anyone`s mind. You are strong you are brave you are just awfully distressed. Is there no support group in your area. Anyone else who has been through what you are going through and can discuss with you.. your worries, thoughts ... as I say i dont know what you are going through, somebody who has been there might be able to help with your fears and the panicy thoughts my love....

beanielou

I am so pleased that you were able to share this taxi.
I am so glad that you got such amazing support from everyone.
I dont think the hospital have been very helpful in so many ways & that certainly wont be helping how you feel.
But I know you can get through this~remember winter always turns into spring.
Keep plodding xxx

lucielle

Taxi, just to let you know am thinking about you. Hope you manage some decent rest.
L

dizzy_lizzie

Just caught up taxi. So sorry to read what you've been through.
Panic and anxiety is an awful thing sometimes but looking at it another way, it's our safety mechanism. Yours is just going into overload when you're at the hospital which is completely understandable! As others have said they are feelings which although frightening at the time won't harm you. Have you heard of something called 'mindfulness' I had a few panic attacks sometime ago and it really helped. As soon as you feel it coming on rather than start to feel fear try and say to yourself something along the lines of 'ok I'm feeling anxious, it's ok because it's only a feeling and it will go away. It's showing me that my heart has a good strong beat and my hands although they're shaking, are still good hands that work' etc etc
Sounds easier said than done taxi but seriously if you can acknowledge the feeling rather than fight it, it does work. There's lots of info on the net about it, do try to have a read at some of them. If it helps, it's worth it.
Here's a quote from one of them...


QUOTE: When I work with panic sufferers, I encourage them to actively greet the emotion as it arises, with:

“Welcome. I see you. Please take your place, and I will take mine, and we will sit together for a while.”

This may seem strange, since we don’t normally feel welcoming towards our anxiety and fear and all those negative feelings and thoughts, but the effect can be very dramatic when we really get into the feeling of welcoming the emotions instead of resisting them, ignoring them or running away. For starters, you will begin to regain your power and position when you actually welcome the emotion. You become the host instead of the frightened victim. With practice, aided with some inner visualization and guided imagery, most people find that they can really develop this art of “being the host” and are amazed at the transformation that results. The intensity of the fear begins to loosen as they develop and cultivate this inner relationship with their emotions. In Mindfulness Therapy, we talk about establishing the “fertile ground” of the mindful-relationship with emotions. This inner space of non-reactive conscious awareness allows the emotions to regain their plasticity. They start to melt, just as ice melts in the warmth of sunlight. Mindfulness is like the warm healing rays of the sun, and it melts the frozen emotions that have been abandoned through reactivity into the deep recesses of the mind.

Eventually, we get down to the primary reaction itself and can learn to sit with the primary fear that powers the whole process. With sustained mindfulness, this dark and frightening ice monster cannot resist the healing power of mindfulness, and over time it also become plastic and begins to resume its natural process of healing and resolution. We know from experience how reactivity inhibits this process of natural inner healing and we see for ourselves how mindfulness is the opposite of reactivity. It is only logical that mindfulness promotes healing. Therefore, cultivate mindfulness and watch the changes unfold. UNQOUTE

Take care taxi and massive hugs.
x

boredofbeingathome

Wish i had checked on here last night -sorry to read what you have been going through Taxi xx
Buffy you have given wonderful advice, something we can all take to heart. :-)

One day at a time Taxi and keep on going. I can't add any more than anyone else has. x