Taxi...from an ugly duckling to a swan

Buffythedebtslayer

Oh Taxi, my darling friend xxx

You will deal with this the way any of us deal with anything, one step at a time. You have been doing this for a bloody long time now - the treatment, the hospital, the appointments it just keeps on coming.

You are absolutely bound to say !!!! off at some point, just !!!! off and leave me alone.

Please don't think you are cracking up, it may feel like it but I dont think you are losing the plot, in any situation we don't all of us would do this. Would say STOP. Which is what you have done.

you haven't said never again yet or hit a nurse or your doctor, You have simply said no for now.

This week you have no appointments till the Friday right? So rest,sleep, look at pictures you like, think about places you want to go to people you want to meet, think about YOU. Not anyone else. This is a huge decision which you are making, make sure you have a list of questions for the Friday, what happens if you stop treatment ? what will your life be like - those kind of things.

You do have control Taxi, you have a lot to think about. It is huge in fact. my heart breaks for you. I am not sure I would cope the way you have coped so far. I always think you are incrediable.

I am sure I am not alone when I say I love you and will give whatever help and support I can for you. You are always in my prayers. Always.

Love Buffy xxxx

taxi73

the only thing happening on friday is the scan
I then have to phone up his secretary on the 28th to see if it was discussed at the meeting on the 25th..if it was then see him 31st
If not see him 6th feb

I cannot believe how mentally and emotionally ill I feel at the moment

Buffythedebtslayer

Do you keep a journal?

I find writing - even if it is illegiable !!!! or I read it back in the morning and think crikey plot was certainly lost last night. I wrote loads when my Dad was ill, repetitive panic stricken stuff- I could bearly read it back it was so raw and painful. I am certain tho writing my fears down in to words I could understand, I could answer or make a plan to deal with...I am sure it helped.

Fear is our greatest enemy Taxi, it stops us in cold in our tracks, stops us living. You can sit there tonight feeling that fear grip you and feel the worst feelings you have ever felt.

But remember this. It is a feeling. Feelings can be changed. It takes such hard work but turn the lights on, cook a bacon sandwich just cos you like the smell, clear out a cupboard, write letters to your loved ones, do what ever seemingly crazy thing you can to change your feelings. Sometimes it is enough to distract you sometimes you need to do something concrete to change the situation. and if you can't do that tonight then that is ok, get to know the fear feeling and you will work out a way to beat the fear. It is just a feeling. feelings can be changed.


Love Buffy xxx

tunathe_cat

hugs taxi.... one step at a time baby steps! only when you are ready.

love to hubby and jj we will all be here in MSE land routing for you when you are ready to follow your path.

xx

taxi73

that is what I need to do change the fear factor..
I don't have a journal but that sounds a good idea
I am trying so hard to overcome these feelings but am totally panic stricken...thinking about it makes me feel so jittery but I just can't stop thinking about it.

Buffythedebtslayer

Ok, this may sound nuts but hey it worked for me at various times.

try to anchor yourself to something, a picture, an object that you always have acess to. I had a smooth rock from near best friend's house, could hold it see it etc. I used to start by focussing on how it felt - cold smooth solid.

We all get that vile jittery feeling when we are afraid. You have to learn to sort of talk yourself down or at least to a level you can handle. One step at a time, try to think about about one good thing, like your husband, your kids, not too much at once. Make a list of GOOD memories, create a happy place in your mind and associate it with that object.

I would keep it simple, "my husband loves me, he is a good man I love him" or I loved it when............(good memory) short a few words to repeat over and over and over.

I know people make a joke of going to "my happy place" and ok it is a bit new age! but I found the mantras I made up "my parents love me, it will be ok," said over and over just limited that rising panic in my throat.

It is not an instant cure and it takes practice and I went through a few objects before I actually felt it worked. But it might help - another tool in the kit to figure this out.

Hope this helps Taxi. like I said you are in prayers and thoughts often

Love Buffy xxx

taxi73

thanks will give that a try ..everything is worth a try x

InaPickle

Hi Taxi,

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, but it is truly only natural: you are not a robot, but a human who has dealt with a huge amount of bad stuff and now you are processing it and reacting to it instead of just going along with it. I don't think anyone else would be any different.

Buffy has some good ideas. I think she is right about the fear factor.

Is there anyone there with you in your house to give you a hug? xxx

taxi73

yes hubby and daughter are here...wish hugs made me feel better but they don't
have just managed to eat half my dinner hubby cooked me...1st thing eaten in 24 hours
perhaps I'll feel a bit better in a few days

InaPickle

I hope so, but whether you do or don't doesn't mean that what you are feeling now isn't relevant and should be just forgotten about.

Please don't think that you are cracking up because you are not in the slightest: you see the chemo suite because going there leads to treatment, which makes you feel bad. The feeling bad is what you don't like (totally natural - who of us would?!), but is the only way to get better so you can't just walk away. It's absolutely logical - and shows that your mental faculties are working 100%.

God knows, the treatment is enough to be dealing with, but if reading that above paragraph - more than once if necessary - convinces you that you are not cracking up mentally and makes you feel the slightest bit better, then it has done its job.

Hang in there, Taxi. I daresay not being able to keep any food down isn't helping you feel any better, but I hope the last meal you just had is the start of better things food-wise. xxx