I don't like my mother!

nearlyrich

Sommer43 wrote: »

I have been following this thread with interest. I have cut all contact with my mother, on the 23rd of December. She is a diagnosed schizophrenic. I had her sectioned, as she was living on the streets, I returned home from overseas after the police contacted me stating she had been taken into hospital. She had headlice, assaulted a member of staff. My husband and I, fought the NHS mental health services in our area, we eventually got her a place to live and with a good care package. Yes, she has mental health difficulties, yes she has had a traumatic life, yes she has never been a mother to me.

My husband and I have been called by the police, we have been called by the housing association, by carers, she refuses to take her medication. She has taken loan after loan out with Provident, who I have contacted, to no avail.

She has now been in her own home for over a year. She is dirty, lazy, ashtrays over flowing, she has piled on three stone, she has treated me like dirt and on and on it goes. Mental health aside, this is behavourial. The point of no return was on Saturday, when I was there with my son, whereby she had bought my brother (who cut the contact years ago) two sweaters and was writing his card. She placed money inside, and asked me for his address. (None of my mother's family give her their addresses) I refused and said I would take it to the post office to post it to him. She then, in front of the carer and my son, said: "You will not spend this, he will get it?" 35 years of anguish came out from me, anger, resentment, pure hatred and I gun barrelled my true feelings towards her. I lost it, threw the present at her and told her, her fortune. My son was mortified, (he is 23) more shocked at me, than her accusation. In all of his life, he has never seen me lose my temper and I am past the point of "She has a mental health illness" She called me and said it was a "slip of the tongue" That's a poor excuse for disgusting behaviour.

My husband, has kept his mouth closed for a year now, he erupted on Saturday when my son told him what had happened and he has now refused to have her in our home for Christmas Dinner. I have cut all contact, and as guilty as that makes me feel, I am done. There is no going back. I have emailed social services, the mental health team and now handed her over to them who she is registered with. To be called a thief by my own mother, for my son to hear that, and for my mother's carer to hear it is appalling. She has no emotion, no feeling, no consideration for anyone apart from herself. I have run around, used my car, picked up cigarettes, cleaned up her faeces stained clothing, flushed her unflushed toilet, had her mouldy laundry in my home, dealt with her bills, shouted at loan companies who take advantage of her, and no more. Enough is enough.

I am a mother, I don't sugar any pill, my children are by no means perfect, we have had our difficulties, my daughter in particular, I don't take any crap from them and I am no longer taking it from my mother. What gets me through the guilt is the pain from that accusation. it counteracts the guilt.

My mother will be bad-mouthing me, no doubt, to all who will listen, I don't care, I detest the woman. She has dogged my life for so long now, it is time for me to stop yearning for the best part of her, which is in there, I have seen it on brief occasions. My father left her, abandoned her, to which I now understand why. I have a wonderful husband who I adore and cherish, I have my children who are all adults and I cherish them, my mother in law, is a wonderful woman, who has now patted my hand when it all came tumbling out to her.

Here's to you, Mother, you evil, self-centred cow, you has never done anything for me, never once said thank you, never once hugged me, used me to bring cigarettes when you couldn't be bothered to get off your backside. Merry !!!!!!! Christmas.

Phew I don't half feel better now.

For all you people who keep their mouths closed, I suggest you get your real feelings out. You don't deserve to be hurt, pulled, have your loyalties torn, you deserve better.

To the wonderful mothers out there, and there are many, I take my hat off to you, not an easy job, not an easy ride. But I look at many mother's and see beautiful, kind caring strong women.

The old saying goes, "It is not over till the fat lady sings" Well one fat lady managed to make it over with one sentence. It is now.

Yes I have had a few wines but this made me cry so sad that some "mothers" fall short of the task.

elantan

Well I made it to work with no phone call from my mother ... I class that as a successful day lol

Sommer43

Boots888 wrote: »

I've read the thread and it's heartbreaking. My Mum said some very cruel things to me over the years but I could never imagine not forgiving her. But that's me and I don't know but....

You girls are going to have to let it go now. Come the new year.

Am I? Sorry to disappoint you sweetheart, I let it go when I told her to her face, that I no longer wanted contact with the dreadful woman. My cognitive stance, and any person who knows about the human mind, that once you say enough, you are removing yourself from the situation. Had I skirted over the issue when my mother called her own daughter a thief, and allowed her back in, then I am no longer letting it go as you say. I can see you have had a rough ride from people in the thread, due to your response, however, you are "instructing" people in torturous situations, that have suffered for years, they are and I quote "You are going to have to let it go now. Come the New Year" These are not Christmas Day spats when Mum has too much sherry and she decides to spill the beans on a few misdemeanours. People here have suffered years of pain, heartache, and are trying to make do amongst all of that.

You are people in your own right, you are not your mothers. I know its good to talk about it and I've followed this thread from when it started way back. But it being Christmas day and with all the struggles people are having to confront today, not just lonelyness, but famine and war, d'you think you could just forgive your mothers and let things be.

With all due respect, forgiveness is an ongoing emotion. Some people, including myself, have forgiven, then forgiven, then forgiven, then forgiven and then some more bloody forgiven. My mother accuses me of being a thief and I should say "Oh bless you, mother, that was a little nasty thing, but never mind, you are forgiven" You have kicked off for being called a troll. I don't think you are, I do think you have clumsily worded your statement.

If you are being tortoured by her, to this day, at your age, then let her go. But For crying out loud, & I know I don't have to read this thread if I don't like it, maybe if you weren't so defensive and showed some love instead of berating your mothers, you might find what you're looking for has been staring you in the face all along.

Love means being able to show those you claim to love, respect, honesty, behave appropiately. Love is an umbrella term and people who love each other do not call, upset, hurt and destroy those they claim they love.

I have shown love, respect, I took her off the streets, I paid her bills, I picked up her human faeces, when she couldn't be bothered, I spoon fed her when she was too weak to eat after first being taken in. I protected her from being abused by people when she lived on the streets. I fought her corner as a child, when I was bullied for having a "mad" mother. I cleaned up her menstrual blood, as an 8 year old little girl, when I had no idea what that was. I painted, cleaned, made curtains, arranged new furniture for a home that I begged a housing association to give to her when she begged me at MDT meetings while she was in hospital not to be put in residential care. I never wanted anything, all I wanted was to give her own front door key whereby she could live out her twilight years, in peace with a care package. I am no longer a child, who doesn't understand, I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend. All of the above I have forgiven, over and over and over and over and over again. Being called a thief I cannot forgive, I never will and she is now the problem of social services, who will take over her health and welfare so they can see what is really going on.

We have to be accountable for what we write, when we pour our thoughts out onto public message boards. You told "us girls" we should let it go. I am now telling you, your words were wrong. You may have meant well, however, it was wrong on so many levels I cannot even begin to scrape the surface.

A few clumsily written words I can forgive though.

Sommer43

Boots888 wrote: »

Yes seriously I'm off now.

I'll keep up with the latest on to see if any of you have make friends with your Mum's, or not as the case may be.

In fact, I'm ever so curious now.

If I "make up" with my mother, I'll show you a man that never plays with himself.

londonsurrey

Own_My_Own wrote: »

!!!!!! why wont that woman leave me alone. Just had another abusive call from her, and am now in tears.

Tomorrow I am going to buy a new home phone that I can allocate ringtones to. That way I will now if is her and ignore it.

Reaction is what they want, and you in tears gives her a feeling of power.

My own dear NM used to call me, and no amount of asking, telling, begging, crying, shouting would deter her. Note that these are all reactions, and they fed her.

Then I discovered a great trick. When she called, it would typically start with "Ah, LondonSurrey, blah, blah, blah", as though we chatted all the time. I'd simply not respond to her, put the phone on the desk (not hang it up), then carry on watching the tv, laughing and chatting to any visitors, etc.

Basically, I let her listen to me ignoring her. Note, this meant she wasn't upsetting me, and this is "NOT GOOD" in her book.

First the calls abated, then she tried to catch me out with less frequent calls, then she gave up.

She did try to move on to other methods, but I dealt with them (with help from a very good friend whose advice I'm happy to share).

londonsurrey

Boots888 wrote: »

Don't leave anything left unsaid, and I don't mean talking to strangers on a forum, I mean tell your mothers to their face!!

Is something wrong with you? What haven't you noticed about the repeated comments of "My mother won't listen, she won't leave me alone?"

Mine was told over and over again, to her face, in writing, via others, in official papers. I took her to court to leave me alone.
She claimed that she had no idea, and she'd leave me alone in future.

Two years later, she's trying it again. Why on earth would you post about "telling your mothers to their face" when it's been made clear that this is exactly what has been done and more?

elantan

Please do London Surrey as I may need it myself ...

Own_My_Own

londonsurrey What methods ? I'm worried now what she may do.

And I never cry until after I put the phone down.:)

londonsurrey

The methods are nothing magical in themselves. It's knowing to take the lead and not to let her take charge of the situation, so the actual methods will vary depending on what the latest thing is.

A couple of examples:

I sent a recorded letter to her telling her to desist from all future contact in any form, and no letters would be opened. (Lots of letters and parcels had previously been returned with "Please desist from all future contact")

From then on, all letters and parcels were date stamped, logged on simple Word document (date, letter/packet), and then stashed in the loft.

When it came to the court case years later, it's quite a statement to be able to produce two bin bags full, all unopened, and be able to open any two at random and know that they'd be full of religious cr*p(she borrows authority by pretending to be pious), insults, dire predictions for my fate.

When she came knocking at my door two years after the court case, I filmed her, and when she saw me filming her, she started talking normally again as though the court case hadn't happened.

I told her to "Leave me alone".
She talked some more.
I reminded her that she'd given an undertaking to the court to leave me alone.
She talked some more.
I repeated, "I have asked you to leave me alone. I am asking you to leave me alone. Leave me alone".

She's a solicitor. She knows how this video will look in court:
- it's been clearly stated that I want her to leave me alone
- there is absolutely no social discourse from me - despite her baiting me, I'm resisting from any form of recriminations, which would invite her to respond.

She walked away, looking back three times. I think she couldn't believe it. It's all on film. Now, claim that you didn't know I wanted you to leave me alone, b*tch. (In court, she'd previously played the very surprised and injured mother who had no idea I had any problem with her, and actually used all my previous attempts to explain the problem with her, as proof to the court that I was interacting with her.)

londonsurrey

P.S. I used a reasonable tone in the "Leave me alone" requests. My friend later advised me that a more fierce and growly tone would be better. It's great to be able to fine tune the act, and learn for any future instances.