I don't like my mother!

Abbymoo

Such an interesting thread, been reading through this afternoon.
As to the latter parts of it surely some part of the reason people post is so that they can connect with others who've experienced the same behaviour from their mothers, in effect a way of seeking permission to not feel bad about not wanting contact anymore? That's how I see it, anyway. I could be wrong of course.

I didn't have a narcissist mother myself, mine simply didn't care, especially when it came to stopping my father sexually abusing and beating me. My OH's mother came as a bit of a revelation I must admit.

This is something I wrote on another forum a while ago, with updates, so it may seem a bit disjointed!

My OH was by all accounts always a bit of a pushover where his mum was concerned.
When he bought his first house she automatically assumed she, her husband, 6 dogs, 15 cats, ferrets, birds etc were all going to move in with him. He didn't put a stop to it so they all moved in together. He lived on the top floor whilst they had the middle floor and ground floor to themselves. This went on for 8 years with her never paying a penny towards anything and her listening in to his phone calls, opening his post, trying to set him up with the woman next door, borrowing his car without permission, making him take time off work when she lent HER car to said woman next door resulting in her demanding HIS car for days on end, throwing his possessions out while he was on holiday coz she didn't approve etc. When he went to Uni she rang him up the day after he left saying she'd tried to kill herself because she was so miserable without him. On his 21st birthday no less. That was the cue for his first nervous breakdown.

The year before last he finally told her to move out after she was planning on moving all the beds downstairs so they could all sleep in the same room so she could keep an eye on him, also she wanted to install a stairlift so she could get to the top floor and talk to him in person, as the intercom she'd had fitted just wasn't good enough. He'd asked her what she'd do when he found a girl and got married and she said they'd all live together under one roof as one big happy family...
Anyway he finally boots her out and she finds a bungalow to rent.

Fast forward few months and we get together, the first time he takes me up there to introduce me she asks why he isn't embarassed to be seen with me. I try to be polite and we leave soon afterwards. Next day she's texting him, asking why he's with me, I'm nothing like the woman she imagined he'd get with, he should dump me, every woman online is a !!!!! and only after one thing (we met on the internet)
He tells her, politely, where to get off.

Last June we move in together, obviously the MIL doesn't approve and keeps slagging me off. She's called me an embarassment, a 'circumstance' 'the cause of untold grief and tragedy' an 'evil !!!!!' accused me of coming between her son and herself, etc etc. Now she can be as vile as she likes to me, but being vile to her own son is NOT ON.

He had a cancer scare recently, she never once asked how he got on, if he got the all clear etc. Yet the day after she emails us telling us she has a bit of an upset stomach, the day after that she rings up demanding we get her some medicine and take it all the way up to her, at the same time bursting into tears and screaming at my OH guilt-tripping the hell out of him because he hadn't called to see how she was in the all of 10 hours since her email.
My OH ended up in tears and was in a total state for days.

Every weekend she demands we go up to hers and fix a new problem she's invented, examples include deliberately unplugging the Sky box so he has to go and fix it, inventing rubbish about her laptop not working, video not working, freezer not working, kettle needs rewiring, even at one point she demanded he take her up a single Leek so she could make soup.

Now my OH has told her over and over again that he's sick of her behaviour and wants her to leave us alone, she's said some really horrible things about us both and we've both had enough, yet 2 days later she'll email us again like nothing has happened!
We're actually moving countries to get away
from her.

She's told him his feelings are 'cobblers and don't mean anything'. She's told him she's ashamed of how he's become since he met me (that would be...happy, yeah him being happy KILLS her) told him she doesn't want anything to do with him until he gets rid of me. It's just been endless. Now, as her other ploys to get him back under the thumb haven't worked she's decided to tell him she's dying and we have to stay in this country for his dads sake (my OH loves his dad, well, stepdad, and she'll constantly bring him into it when she realises my OH doesn't care about HER anymore) She's said such vile things to him, telling him his grandparents would be ashamed of him, bringing his dead brother into it, saying she wished she'd had an abortion etc. I can't even remember a quarter of the vile things she said.
Apparently now she has cancer again (my OH doesn't believe her as she's lied about it in the past) as well as every other illness she can think of and is demanding we stay until she "dies".

Sunday was the last straw for me, she emailed another huge essay containing nothing but guilt trips and demands.
When we first told her we were moving countries all she said was "I want my stuff back then" said stuff being a threadbare bit of old carpet which came with the house, so my OH in effect paid for it, an ancient tumble drier with bust controls and a mangled door, an old freezer that doesn't freeze and an old glass pyrex dish. This time she told my OH that he was 'mentally unstable' and that I was clearly manipulating him and bemoaning that her 'baby boy' was no longer around her at her beck and call 24/7. She sent SEVEN emails on Sunday, !!!!!ing and moaning and calling us bad mannered for not answering in the space of ten minutes, in between calling both our mobiles and the house phones, to demand to know what we'd done with her prescription that she demanded we take up to her on Friday (her car broke down and she wants my OH to drive her around everywhere and help pay for a new car, he's told her no, of course) even though he'd told her the day before that he'd leave the prescription in her post box as he didn't have time to drop in personally.

My OH was an utter wreck when we met, he looked about 80 and was just getting over breakdown no.2, now he's a young, happy, strongwilled bloke who's finally told her where to go and she hates me for turning his life around.

We have both tried and tried and tried to get on with her but enough is enough. His dad is so lovely and adores my OH and likes me, too, I tried so hard to make it all work so they at least could maintain a good relationship, but she just won't accept that her son and I are together. She actually suggested I stay in THIS house and that he moves in with HER again and he could see me twice a week!
She's always moaning she can't afford to eat yet keeps fourteen cats, three dogs, two rabbits, seven ferrets, four ornamental goldfish, 2 guinea pigs and 13 hens and a rooster, and gets a new animal every month or so (I love animals, but really!)

When we moved we rented out the house as it wouldn't sell, she of course found this out and demanded we let her move in (in spite of us already having a tenant) telling us she was about to be evicted due to all the pets and a rent increase. That was back in April, allegedly being evcited in June, and guess what? Yep she was lying about that, too. Just wanted an excuse to try and keep control of at least one aspect of the OH's life

We've moved to England and left her in Ireland but still the guilt trips keep coming.

She's now ringing around everyone she knows might have our new address, she's stalking our FB pages, created a LinkedIn account to nose at him and has even contacted the police reporting him as a missing person despite our politely answering an email telling her he's fine.
She recently sent out this missive to all and sundry via FB:
ONE GREAT SADNESS IN MY LIFE AND THAT IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY DEAREST SON SIMON,HE LEFT IRELAND AND BECAUSE HE CREATED AN HORRENDOUS RIFT BETWEEN US, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE HE IS OR WHAT HE IS DOING. I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW SOMETHING OF HIM TO EASE MY GRIEF. I AM NOT AT ALL WELL AND HIS LOSS TO ME IS BREAKING MY HEART. IF ANYONE CAN HELP ME, I WOULD BE TRULY GRATEFUL.

Note HE created the rift and it wasn't her disgusting behaviour at all.

The OH is recovering well now he's out of her reach, he's got a fab new job, we're buying a lovely house and getting hitched next year, but all she can counter with is more !!!!!ing and moaning about how evil he is and how everyone feels so sorry for her having such an ungrateful child.

It's a work in progress, he still thinks hugs and affection are a sign of weakness and as for physical contact well that'll never happen but due to my own issues we're a good match there.

OP all I can advise you to do is whatever you need to do to keep your sanity and focus on your own family. Some people are simply toxic and will never EVER change. Do what you need and please, don't feel at all guilty.

That was probably incomprehensible, blame the half pint of Irish Coffee I just necked!

Boots888

Do you know I felt soo bad this morning, but I feel quite good now.

I don't mean to upset people and I do feel your pain.

Maybe I am being passively aggressive, once you get over and learn to deal with one thing, something else comes along. So I apologise and maybe say have a lovely Christmas Day Evening!!???

Tomorrow is another day, eh?

elantan

Has anyone say waiting for the phone to ring today? My mother sent me a card, Calender and something else the other week, I thought oh here we go again, I was working night shift last night and told hubby this morning I wouldn't be answering the house phone but to get me on the mobile should he need to... He asked why... My reply I think my mother may phone ... I just had that feeling ( probably the card etc)

She hasn't ( yet) but its there in the back of my mind... I sadly think that the only time I will get peace from her I when she is dead ( no I don't wish her dead) she will probably haunt ne even then lol

Ach well I'm night shift tonight also so peace and quiet after 9pm at least

Own_My_Own

Abbymoo

Well done and Good Luck to you and Simon.

elantan

Why on earth are you insulting me? I havn't even joined in with your petty behaviour and yet you felt it necessary to insult me ... You are not doing yourself any favours at all boots ... Or maybe that is your aim who know

muckybutt

Boots888 wrote: »

I've just reported you for that uncalled for, vile post.

Should I expect that the thread is dominated by posters without any character on here now, or should I wait??:o

Likewise reported you for trolling a decent thread, a thread where those in need come for help, not to belittle the posters and post stupid comments.

You really do need to step back and look at yourself, ask yourself why are you alone, then read the comments you have made on this thread.

If I come over as being pi55ed off at you its because I am, up until you joined in this thread was helpfull to many myself included, you have just lowered the tone of it by spouting poison.

I shall say no more to you now as you just seem to be gleeing in trolling the thread, the ignore user function on here is great good bye

muckybutt

elantan wrote: »

Has anyone say waiting for the phone to ring today? My mother sent me a card, Calender and something else the other week, I thought oh here we go again, I was working night shift last night and told hubby this morning I wouldn't be answering the house phone but to get me on the mobile should he need to... He asked why... My reply I think my mother may phone ... I just had that feeling ( probably the card etc)

She hasn't ( yet) but its there in the back of my mind... I sadly think that the only time I will get peace from her I when she is dead ( no I don't wish her dead) she will probably haunt ne even then lol

Ach well I'm night shift tonight also so peace and quiet after 9pm at least

I was kind of like that just before christmas, awaiting the usual card from her, even though she has been told not to contact us she still has done.

However they never came this year not even one for her grandson ! although he doesnt even recognise her anymore.

So maybe just maybe she has got the message....fingers crossed

elantan

Boots888 wrote: »

I've just reported you for that uncalled for, vile post.

Should I expect that the thread is dominated by posters without any character on here now, or should I wait??:o

So I haven't character then ...

Read what you write

muckybutt

did I hear a mouse say something ?
" This message is hidden because Boots888 is on your ignore list. "

elantan

muckybutt wrote: »

I was kind of like that just before christmas, awaiting the usual card from her, even though she has been told not to contact us she still has done.

However they never came this year not even one for her grandson ! although he doesnt even recognise her anymore.

So maybe just maybe she has got the message....fingers crossed

I told my mother the same ... For some reason she doesn't think my thoughts and feelings matter and she still wants to be in my life ... Sigh ... Ach well one day

Glad your has been peaceful