MODS - please delete thread

whitewing

a*a, you are angry, and you won't successfully move on until you really begin to address that.

I wish you and your husband well. If you're both intelligent people, then I do believe that you can rebuild your marriage and respect each other. I do think other posters are right and that you are allowing too much blame to fall on the OW rather than your husband. I don't see that you have to leave your husband though, and I don't necessarily see that he will behave like it again.

My last comment though is I think you will all have a happier life in the long run if the baby becomes part of it eventually. I understand it is too painful now.

I hope your counselling service does help you, so keep talking but do make sure you probe some of the points that have been brought up in this thread.

All the very best to you and your daughter.

*max*

GracieP wrote: »

Exactly! That is how the law is deeply inequitable. If a woman can give up her child and walk away forever without further obligation, a man should have the same rights. The law is unfair here. The man should have the same right to relinquish all his parental rights and responsibilities to the other parent as the woman does.

But there is a major difference here. If a woman puts a child up for adoption, the person who will ultimately have responsibility for the child will have chosen to do so, and will have freely decided to adopt the child and bring it up - in most cases, as part of a couple!

A mother who finds herself bringing up a child alone because the father abandonned it to her care will not have chosen freely to be solely responsible for the child. It will have been brought in on her, and she has no choice in the matter.

Major difference between putting a child up for adoption and abandonning it to the care of the other parent.

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

The difference is there is a 'choice' for women if they chose to not want their children. A man has no choice in any part of it apart from the act itself. The choice is completely taken away from men; women have the overriding choice in every part from the moment of conception and then man cant do a damn thing about it. Gracie is correct when she says the law is not equal.

Hypothetically...if your husband had decided to stay with the other woman, what would you have thought and felt if he'd decided to walk away from your daughter in that way? To sever all ties and all responsibility for her because he didn't want her anymore?

Its not the law that isn't equal, its the human body in this area. Trust me, nobody would be happier than me if men were suddenly able to get pregnant so that things could be a bit more so!

GracieP

*max* wrote: »

But there is a major difference here. If a woman puts a child up for adoption, the person who will ultimately have responsibility for the child will have chosen to do so, and will have freely decided to adopt the child and bring it up - in most cases, as part of a couple!

A mother who finds herself bringing up a child alone because the father abandonned it to her care will not have chosen freely to be solely responsible for the child. It will have been brought in on her, and she has no choice in the matter.

Major difference between putting a child up for adoption and abandonning it to the care of the other parent.

Which might be a point except that there are numerous men who have taken full custody of their biological child after the mother has placed the child for adoption. Which is the exact same but with opposite genders.

The fact is the law should allow men to choose to allow the mother to adopt full custody, if allows the same right to women. If it did then a lot more women would probably think twice about getting pregnant by a man who is not likely to choose responsibility.

System

Most women who gave up their baby for adoption, now and then, did it so the child could have security and a loving family when for various reasons that was something they could not offer, usually because a man didn't want any commitment or to take responsibility for his part in the conception...in other words the women often took the hard choice of adoption out of love for the child. That is why the two circumstances can't be compared.

The OPs husband wants nothing to do with this child, not for the child's benefit but for his own. That is his choice.

Fair enough, as the mother of a child who's father went off after the first scan, I am happy to report that it is not necessarily a bad thing...who, after all, wants their child to have a father who has no ability to take responsibilty for his own actions, who cannot make a decision for himself unless pushed to it, who would rather have unprotected sex with a "psycho" than with his loving wife, who really didn't care whether he would hurt his child from that marriage as long as he was getting his rocks off...

Harsh, oh yes but that is the only way of looking at it , look at it in the worst possible light...the OP has decided that the marriage is worth saving, nothing anyone says will change that. So the answer to the original query "How to cope?" ...you just do it! There is no strategy that works for everyone, because no two people deal with betrayal/ stress/anger in the same way. You cope or you walk.

GracieP

Person_one wrote: »

Its not the law that isn't equal, its the human body in this area. Trust me, nobody would be happier than me if men were suddenly able to get pregnant so that things could be a bit more so!

That's nothing to do with biology. If it was there would be no women who ever walked away from their marriage and children, yet there are thousands. Once there is a born child biology is utterly irrelevant to what choices either parent makes.

FBaby

you've hinted before that the main reason why your husband wants no contact with the child is because of the OW rather than wanting nothing with the child. This has indeed nothing to do with you, his decision, although of course, if ultimately he is not happy with the decision he makes, you will once again be dragged into his sadness/regrets etc..., so in a way, you are affected by it all.

I think it is quite common for a man to decide to walk away from a child of his because of his relationship with the mother. He cant separate his relationship with the child from the relationship from the mother. I can understand how the stress of trying to have a relationship with the mother in such circumstances of animosity must be overwhelming and the solution to avoid all the stress that fighting for one's right as a father is to just walk away from the child. However, the decision to abandon the child on this basis should not be confused with a complete non interest in wanting to be a father to the child.

Person_one

GracieP wrote: »

The fact is the law should allow men to choose to allow the mother to adopt full custody, if allows the same right to women. If it did then a lot more women would probably think twice about getting pregnant by a man who is not likely to choose responsibility.

It would also allow a lot of men to change their mind when they had previously said they wanted a child, leaving the mothers in the lurch when they though they were creating a child that had two loving parents.

If you could take a poll, I bet there are far more women out there who have been left holding a baby that the father seemed so excited about at first but legged it when it cried all night or breastfeeding didn't seem very sexy than there are women who have deliberately got pregnant to men they thought were likely to leg it.

Person_one

GracieP wrote: »

That's nothing to do with biology. If it was there would be no women who ever walked away from their marriage and children, yet there are thousands. Once there is a born child biology is utterly irrelevant to what choices either parent makes.

Of course its about biology, if men could get pregnant they'd also have the right to give up the child for adoption, I thought that's what we were talking about?

Welshwoofs

alias*alibi wrote: »

!!!!!! I think they are using bash a*a thread as their daily entertainment or to let off their own frustrations about parts of their own lives.

a*a - the only nasty comment made to you was made after you did your 'yawn' post. If you go back and re-read the thread you'll see that the nasty comments were about your husband and some about the OW but NOT about you. All along you've had nothing but good wishes, you just appear not to have registered them if they were in a posting that was critical of your OH.


On the subject of you OH - I do feel sorry for you that he tried suicide threats on you. I know from experience that it's incredibly emotionally wearing. When my ex's deceit was blown wide open he also talked about suicide and said that there was nothing left to live for (he was already on anti-depressants). Initially I was really worried, even reconsidering my decision to end it, but ultimately I started to get a bit bored of hearing it......and eventually I told him to stop whinging about it and crack on and do it if he wanted, but just not to make a mess someone else had to clear up. Oddly he perked right up after that and taking his life was never mentioned again