Spill the beans ... how did you financially survive divorce?

alixandrea

caz2703 wrote: »

I'll be able to answer properly soon - unfortunatley.

I know that as a single mum I'd be financially better off working part-time on minimum wage instead of going back to my well paid job as childcare costs would wipe out half my salary and my ex has already made it clear that he can't afford to pay me for 2 children proportionately what he pays his first Ex for their one child. In other words, as long as I was around to contribute to the bills (all in his name) and the mortgage (again solely in his name), he would continue to fund his ex's lavish lifestyle and leave us to do without more and more in the meantime. Yes, he actually said that if things got any tighter financially (try £1000/month in childcare when I return to work) that we'd have to do without as he wouldn't reduce what he pays his ex. Delighful eh? That may sound mean but when his ex gets almost double CSA rates and lives in a house worth double ours, drives a car worth well over double ours combined and can afford holidays and meals out then I can't see why he can't reduce payments if we're in financial difficulty??

All I can hope for is that I get Legal Aid to pay for the divorce as I'm paying myself for the contact order case he slapped on me with 2 days notice before the court date. All this is on CTC and CB and I'm now on additional maternity leave and no longer entitled to WTC. He may be paying for the mortgage (which he should as he regularly points out, it's in his name as is the house - thank god as it's negative equity so no fights there). I haven't had a penny from him to even pay for nappies since we split but as he's keeping a roof over my head albeit after stopping paying bills before my benefit case had gone through I don't have a leg to stand on.

So any divorce experts or anyone with experience of contact orders, feel free to PM me as I could do with some advice that doesn't cost £100/hour.

Highly recommend speaking to the guys over at wikivorce.com - there are so many mothers on there in similar situations to you and everyone is extremely helpful and friendly. In the meantime it's worth your ex bearing in mind that he is required by law to pay at least Child Support Agency rates towards the upkeep of his children. Go to their website and put some figures in their calculator to find out just how much money this should be per month.

Best of luck with it all. You'll have to go through the mediation process before you get to courts so try to sort things out amicably that way if you can. Make use of legal aid (although bear in mind that if you're awarded a sum in the divorce you may have to pay it back) and the completely free advice of the guys on wikivorce and you shouldn't go too far wrong.

All the best

Alixandrea

caz2703

alixandrea wrote: »

Highly recommend speaking to the guys over at wikivorce.com - there are so many mothers on there in similar situations to you and everyone is extremely helpful and friendly. In the meantime it's worth your ex bearing in mind that he is required by law to pay at least Child Support Agency rates towards the upkeep of his children. Go to their website and put some figures in their calculator to find out just how much money this should be per month.

Best of luck with it all. You'll have to go through the mediation process before you get to courts so try to sort things out amicably that way if you can. Make use of legal aid (although bear in mind that if you're awarded a sum in the divorce you may have to pay it back) and the completely free advice of the guys on wikivorce and you shouldn't go too far wrong.

All the best

Alixandrea

Will head over there after dinner and have a look. As for CSA rates here's a laugh for you as I've already calculated the figures:

For 2 children, 7 nights a week at mine he'd have to pay approx £360/month
He currently pays his ex £330/month for one child that he has 2 nights a week

Can anyone explain the logic as to why he's lost his marriage over the sake of reducing the highly favourable payments to his ex by a mere £50/month. He can have a private arrangement with his ex and CSA with me, nothing states both have to go CSA but if they both did, his ex would only get £180/month. That seems more reasonable to me given how much I spent on their child on clothes and toys but alas, my ex has no backbone and refuses to stand up to the ex so now he's on 2 divorces within 8 years (or less if I can prove unreasonable behaviour).

Candice-Marie

Before our divorce we had already sold the house. We paid all other debts out of the proceeds, then split what was left 50/50. We both moved into rented places, our two kids lived with me and had two nights a week with their Dad (one mid week, one weekend night). Plus a minimum 3 weeks holiday a year.

I bought a house nearly 5 years ago. We finally got round to getting a divorce last year and did it without Solicitors as the finances and childcare had long since been agreed.

He has always paid much less than a CSA calculation would have him pay, but I know his finances, he earns a lot less then me and it seems stupid to stretch him further and cause him aggro when I don't absolutely NEED the money. Yes it would be nice, but I can't say that we go without. The money he pays goes into an account for each child that will eventually be used for a car or university or whatever.

We have stayed amicable throughout and we just don't have anything to argue about.

My advice is not to sweat the small stuff and the detail...I once met someone who sent their ex a solicitor's letter about custody of a nutmeg grater :eek: and don't ruin what's left of your relationship based on asserting your 'rights'. Ask yourself 'is this THAT important?'

This isn't the same as being a doormat and having someone walk all over you - that's not what I'm saying! But a lifestyle on two incomes under one roof is never going to be the same split under two. The maths will never add up!

Just don't lose sight of the bigger picture, that's all.

pinkpanther22

Having read through the posts on here I think I must have been fortunate. We were civil, did everything ourselves and the only cost was £750 for the decree absolute to be effectively ratified by a solicitor to ensure that neither of us could claim on the others' estate in years to come.

However, I did discover that you have a legal right to challenge your legal fees. So if you feel that your solicitor ripped you off you can got to a "costs draftsman" (or woman, obviously), who can check the detail of the legal bill for you to confirm whether or not you've been over-charged. Unsurprisingly it happens more often than you'd think! You pay a small fee for this, but in many cases a considerable amount of money can be refunded from the original legal bill. That's why my legal fee was relatively low.

jenblackrod

My ex left our marital home which I had owned for five years before we met and immediately stopped paying half the mortgage as well as any of the bills. I struggled but managed to keep up the full payments for three years until the divorce came though so I didnt lose my creditworthiness. When the mediation started, the fact that he had not contributed to the mortgage for five years before we met, or for three years after we separated, held no sway at all and he still got to split the equity 50:50. When we met, I had my own house, savings and he got his feet under my table pdq bringing with him some debts which we paid off between us. Ten years later he decides hes not happy and walzes off with half of everything! I will NEVER marry again unless the assets are equal between us, e.g. we've both got a house. Marriage is not about hearts and flowers, its about a binding legal contract that can disintegrate before your eyes through nothing you have done. We all have to learn the hard way I suppose.

lazyoldbag

Ha ha! If you have nothing, they can take nothing! Mine left with half a cutlery set, some plates and mugs, towels and sheets. He tried to take the tv as he had paid half of the instalments. As it was the only thing he ever put his hand in his pocket for I said he could have half and offered to cut it up for him! Result, I kept the tv and the peace and quiet were lovely!:j

princessdreamer

Surviving reasonably well since ex left. He took my car, his pension and left a load of debt. I started from scratch with a new car paid all the joint debts and most of his as he kept threatening to go bankrupt. Divorce came and went with nothing sorted re the house, I have paid the mortgage on my own since he left, raised the children with no support. Despite providing nothing he is screaming blue murder for HIS money out of the house. Now I have to see what the courts have to say about it. The children need a home, at worst I would give him his money (yuck) when the youngest is 18 however I think that as he left so much debt and pays nothing for his children he should just sign the house over. Must add the house needs a lot of work on it to bring it up to a saleable level so if he did force a sale he would be ruining his childrens lives for about £15,000.

LittleMrsThrifty

I think it is worth remembering that in these situations money isn't everything. I would sooner leave with nothing but my dignity, pride and morals intact than effectively sell my soul to the devil for a few thousand pounds.

That said, I survived by standing firm. Make an agreement and stick to it. If you begin to give way before you know it you'll be doing it all the time.

Don't pay a solicitor to argue for you - but remember for some elements they are necessary and you get what you pay for.

I recently saw a fridge magnet which read "Next time I consider getting married I'll just find someone I hate and buy them a house."

caz2703

Candice-Marie wrote: »

Just don't lose sight of the bigger picture, that's all.

If your post was aimed at me then don't worry, I haven't lost sight of the big picture. It was the big picture and seeing my savings dwindle month on month to pay out bills, food, toys & clothes etc for the kids that made me stand up to the ex and ask him to change things to improve our life as a family. I didn't want to go on a round the world cruise, I didn't want to move to a big detached house nor did I want a status symbol 4x4 on the driveway. All I wanted was some extra cash in our pockets to compensate for the hundreds I'd spent out on ALL his kids (mine and my step-child) while he happily kept his ex sweet with far more than she needed and far more than she ever spent on their child.

I understand that he can't provide for me and our kids in the same way his did his first child as we're no longer together and I can't subsidise his lifestyle. What I can't accept though is that I'm in a position whereby I may have to give up a well paying job as my take home pay after childcare etc will make me literally skint each month. Believe it or not after spending 10+ years climbing the ladder I'd be better off stacking shelves or packing bags for just 20 hours a week and claiming benefits.

I didn't spend 28 years of education and progressing myself to end up claiming benefits all because that's the only way I can afford to live yet this is what it has come down to. I have no assets bar a car. I have no house to go to so I'll be forced to rent for the very foreseeable future and I can kiss goodbye to luxuries like eating out or a weekend away and all because he wanted his 1st ex-wife to continue to be able to do these things.

Tell me why I shouldn't be bitter after realising that I am now reduced to being a single mum to 2 young kids, living on benefits and hardly any savings left after spending them on food for the ex, doing up the house which I have no equity share in and gifting clothes and presents to him and his child for 6 years while I've spent the last 2 years since I had our first child doing without (including not getting gifts from him) and for what?

DKLS

Hats off to those who had amicable split, I had the fun of dealing with a professional bunny boiler and had the joy of paying mortgage, rent and solicitor fees for 18 months whilst we had an almighty legal battle.

The day I picked up my share of the house sale from her solicitors, I rediscovered my mojo, confidence and verve for life and tripled my salary within 3 years. Best thing I ever did and in hindsight should have done it many years before.