Being dumped when pregnant. Advice needed pls

January20

DUTR wrote: »

I think any name can be given on the BC, I agree with your earlier post though, the OP won't be well rid of him in the true sense, everyday she will see him when she looks at the child

I also feel for the poor child as he/she will know they were not wanted by one of their parents. It will be so hard! (I was watch my own dd trying to get a positive relationship with her father - to no avail as he can only criticise her and it's really painful and sad)

Thanks for correcting me. I've no idea how registering a birth works as when my dd was born my ex-husband did it. And that was nearly 19 years ago!

DUTR

January20 wrote: »

I also feel for the poor child as he/she will know they were not wanted by one of their parents. It will be so hard! (I was watch my own dd trying to get a positive relationship with her father - to no avail as he can only criticise her and it's really painful and sad)

Thanks for correcting me. I've no idea how registering a birth works as when my dd was born my ex-husband did it. And that was nearly 19 years ago!

This is a point that should be raised to the OP, yes it's easy for many to sit in their armchairs saying he is this and he is that, and indeed the OP's current ex should be encouraged to participate in the child's life, personally the sanctions some suggest (except for applying for CS) may only further promote the OPs ex's 'plan' as it gives an excuse as to why he should not be involved. It should be (to me) a win win win situation that is the plan of action for the OP, as the win/lose may not be the ideal result for the OP in the long run.

PS I'm not sure how registration works, as I understand it, any name can be given, but if a change is later required that is where complications may arise, it's just usual to use one of the parent's surname.

tenmah

I was dumped when I was pregnant. I think perhaps he panicked and thought he wasn't able to take the responsibility of being a dad and said some horrible things to me. He told me that he had told his family and they were disgusted by it and wanted me to have an abortion (this turned out to be not true as he hadn't even told them at this point) and that if I had the baby he would cross the road if he saw me etc etc.

At the time I just wanted him to come back because I was worried how I would cope. I had the baby (whilst he was on holiday with his new lady) and after about five or six weeks, I woke up one morning and thought 'I can cope, I don't need him'. It was really weird and as instant as that, and from that point on I wasn't concerned that we weren't together anymore. In fact he spent many years asking me to go back to him and telling me the worst thing he ever did was to walk out on us, but to no avail.

I bought my daughter up on my own, although he did see her regularly and eventually she went to uni and got a degree. I am so very proud of her and people are always pointing out to me that I must have been a great mum as it isn't easy being a single parent with other people and the media quite happy to 'single mum bash'. I have to say they have a good relationship now and see each other once a week.

So scary as it is now, what I am saying is it can be better to bring a child up on your own than have an abusive or unloving partner, or to be with someone because you have a child together. I have the best daughter ever and she is also my best friend. She is 24 now.

Plans_all_plans

January20 wrote: »

Surely, she could only give the baby his name if he was on the birth certificate?

This isn't true at all. My (now) husband and I weren't married when we went to register our daughter's birth. I didn't want her to take his surname if he wasn't married to me, so she had my surname. He has always been on the birth certificate as hewr father though. The registrar didn't bat an eyelid that we put down my surname.

Now that we're married, I got her birth certificate altered as she now legally has her dad's surname and she is considered "a legitimate child of our marriage" apparently.

OP, I wouldn't give this bloke's surname to your child. I was in a proper supported relationship and I still didn't give my daughter my boyfriend (now husband's) surname. If he'd done a runner, then there's no way I'd want my child to have his name.

barbiedoll

I know I'm probably going to be shot down in flames here but..........

Did he have any choice in whether or not you have a baby? Did you discuss having children with him and were you in a stable relationship before you found out that you were pregnant? You mention his teenage daughter so did he ever tell you that he didn't want any more kids?
I'm not saying that he has any excuses for his behaviour but it does seem sometimes that some women will have a relationship with a man, knowing full well that he does not want children but they will go ahead and get pregnant anyway, thinking that he will change his mind. We all think it's terrible when a man tries to force a woman to do something against her will but if a woman tries to force a man to become a father, it's all about her rights and how much he will have to pay.

Of course, if a man doesn't want children, he should make sure that he prevents a pregnancy, but let's be honest, how many men would willingly use condoms if they are assured that the woman is protected, by the Pill, or whatever. I have seen many men who have been trapped into fatherhood in this way, it's about time that women took a bit more responsibility for their lives, instead of assuming that all men are selfish pigs because they don't want any more kids.

OP, if this doesn't apply to you, please don't take offence. I know that women are badly treated by men and I know that men can be awful. I'm from a single parent family myself and women can be as good as two parents, if not better in many cases, so be strong and don't be bullied by your ex. As for keeping quiet about the baby, that is for you to decide, you shouldn't have to lie about it. But you should be honest if you made a bad decision too!

Loretta

happydays77 wrote: »

He actually told me his teenage daughter would be cross with him.

It sounds as if his teenage daughter is about to get a very quick and early lesson about how some men can be and to watch out for any that are at all like her father!

*Robin*

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

Surely if you are in a small town people will know you two were dating and put 2 & 2 together. Just make sure you don't date anyone else until the bump is obvious. Good luck.

This statement is just so sad..

OP, Good Luck from me too.

Plans_all_plans

barbiedoll wrote: »

Did he have any choice in whether or not you have a baby? Did you discuss having children with him and were you in a stable relationship before you found out that you were pregnant? You mention his teenage daughter so did he ever tell you that he didn't want any more kids?
.......... But you should be honest if you made a bad decision too!

Legally, he has no choice as to whether he becomes a father or not. He KNOWS this before he gets his leg over.

He knows that there are some women who might try to "trap" him out there before he gets his leg over. If he takes the risk, he may have to pay the price. If she is guilty of making a bad decision and "trapping" him (I doubt it) then he is as guilty for not taking proper precautions himself. It doesn't cut the mustard to moan "I've got no choice" on the one hand, and on the other to say "I was assured she was on the pill and I don't like condoms...what man does?!"

gratefulforhelp_2

happydays77 wrote: »

I just find it upsetting he is refusing to even tell his parents or other children about it. I know this will come back on him on the future and hes going to look very cruel for what he has done. He thought by pressurising me I would have an abortion but as I stood my ground he has decided to dump me instead.
I feel I am well rid of him

happydays77 wrote: »

He actually dumped me because of my refusal to have an abortion.

Bravo to you for standing your ground. There was no reason he couldn't use a condom, and "not liking them" is not an excuse.

January20 wrote: »

Surely, she could only give the baby his name if he was on the birth certificate?

I think one can put any name one chooses on a birth certificate unless it is offensive or misleading ( like Alan Sugar would be ok, but not Lord Sugar).

But you wouldn't want to saddle the poor babe, would you?

OP I have sent you a pm, and Dutr honey, two "l" s in fallacy. x

creditcard123

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

This isn't true at all. My (now) husband and I weren't married when we went to register our daughter's birth. I didn't want her to take his surname if he wasn't married to me, so she had my surname. He has always been on the birth certificate as hewr father though. The registrar didn't bat an eyelid that we put down my surname.

Now that we're married, I got her birth certificate altered as she now legally has her dad's surname and she is considered "a legitimate child of our marriage" apparently.

OP, I wouldn't give this bloke's surname to your child. I was in a proper supported relationship and I still didn't give my daughter my boyfriend (now husband's) surname. If he'd done a runner, then there's no way I'd want my child to have his name.

That is exactly what we did too My eldest daughter had my name but her dad was on the BC then when we got married we changed her name to our married name and our date of marriage is on her BC now. Only problem with this is filling in legal documents (passports) she has to enter she was known as a previous name.