Time apart

Chicken320

make me wise - Do you know what, you're right. Our relationship was unbalanced, I ultimately swayed more towards what she wanted than my own needs. I accept that she can be quite selfish, but I took the rough with the smooth. There would a number of loving gestures, which made up for things, but I hoped this would increase with maturity.

I'm guess I'm hoping this time apart will make her realise that a bit more give and take is required, and I hope make her realise we HAVE something special. This is not easy though, as it's a first relationship for both of us.

MessyMare

My story- OH and I didn't go on a break (although he jokingly refers to it as one). We split up when our relationship basically spontaneously combusted. He had issues, I had issues, it all went wrong. However, after a year apart, seeing other people, tentatively making contact as friends, and then one night when I got rushed into hospital with a suspected pulmonary embolism (I told my then boyfriend to stay away from the hospital as he was being in turns weepy and crass) I text him...he rushed to be by my side, sat with me for hours, holding my hand and talking; he answered all of the Dr's questions and only left when the nurse on duty threw him out at about 2am. He said he would never have forgiven himself if anything had happened to me. Cue a couple of false starts, going out for dinner (as friends), spending a lot of time together, getting to know each other again, and we've been back together for well over a year, have bought a house together and are planning babies.

The long and short of it is, if it's meant to be, it'll happen, however long it takes. We couldn't be happier now. I grew up in our year apart, and he grew more compassionate. We both realised what we had been taking for granted and now we work really hard at our relationship.

Chicken320

victory wrote: »

mmw has a very good point there. Walking around on egg shells just incase you upset her is not a 50/50 relationship, has she asked you how you feel? How you will cope with the 'break' has she tried to found out aout you (I know there is no communication but there are ways)

Victory - She's seen my reaction to her decision and also witnessed some of the pain and anguish. She knows that I'm going through the ringer and at one point, I was close to calling it a day.

It was a conversation with a family member who explained to me her feelings (later backed up) that talked me round. I wasn't prepared to hang around if she was interested in getting with other people and just have 'fun', but from what I gather she's confused about where her life is heading and doesn't really know life without me. In her words: 'she needs time to miss me and work out what she wants'.

I completely agree, I'm making far more sacrafices than her, however, I feel it's the only way I'll ever find out if it's meant to be.

There were a number of references to the Prince William and Kate Middleton scenario. However, I won't be rocking a transparent little number down the cat-walk...

make_me_wise

Hi Chicken. I was about to ask if this was a first relationship for you both. This can be the trickiest one because until you get involved with someone you haven't had to consider someone else, involve them in decisions about your life etc. This doesn't come naturally to everyone. It is a learning curve. I never understood the term 'working at a relationship' till I had a few that didn't work out.

Yes it was painful when a relationship didn't work out but actually it did me the world of good. You learn from it and you take the time to analyse what it is that YOU need and want from having a partner. This is not selfish mate, in fact to be in a relationship that really works it is essential. It means whoever you are with they will know exactly where you stand with them, there will be no insecurities or wondering what you are thinking and wanting.

I have been with my husband 15 years and know him inside/out. I accept him faults and all and love him for it. As the poor bloke does with me too, lol. We have our ups and downs but what I love most about us is that neither of us is afraid of one another.

How to put this, I get the feeling you have and currently would bend over backwards to do whatever your gf wants and needs. Maybe at times at the expense of your own happiness. True strength and happiness in a relationship comes from never having to do that. Being confidant enough to communicate your needs as well as meet your partners needs is a huge strength.

Chicken320

make me wise - I think you have hit the nail on the head at the end, as much as pains for me to say it. In a situation like this, how do you go about rectifying that, or my behaviour?

I suppose I just want her to recognise that I care for her and want to makes things work for US. A bit more compromise would be great, as would her thinking about me a bit more often. Can she learn this and will time away from me make her realise this?

make_me_wise

Ultimately you wont change the type of person she is, dont go down that route. I dont know her at all so am not going to judge her. Either she can be considerate, want to compromise and work at things as a couple or she cant. Alot of that does comes with maturity though. So how she is in a relationship now may well change as she develops and grows as a person.

Personally the way I was at her age (20 I am guessing) to how I am now at nearly 40 is very different.

All you can do is be the best person you can be but not at the expense of your own emotional security and happiness. So be caring, considerate, loving, supportive, show an interest, compromise, be romantic, spontanious. Most of all communicate. To do all this fundamentally you have to be happy. Make sure that whoever you are with treats you as well as you treat them. If you feel this is not happening say so, calmly but assertively and know that it is reasonable to have your opinion heard and taken notice of. The best advice anyone ever gave me was from my dad 'your partner in life should love you and treat you better than anyone else in life'

Here are some personal questions which you are more than welcome to ignore. OP do you think that you have trouble exerting your right to be treated well and to stand up for yourself because of your relationship with your own family members? Has anyone ever treated you really well? Or do you accept the way you are being treated by your gf because this is what you have come to accept as 'the norm' in relationships?

janninew

Chicken320 wrote: »

I am 23, but you're right, 'partner' isn't the correct term. Admittidly, we haven't set enough guidlines, although one thing's certain, seeing other people is off the cards.

I share the view that 'on a break' is a gentle way of letting someone down, but, at the same time, I live in hope that I can win her back! Show her that the grass isn't always greener on the otherside and that I feel I can offer her happiness!

What's wrong with the term partner? After 3 years together I would say partner is a perfect word to use!

I hope things work out ok for you OP, I can imagine how hard it must be, but as others have said, keep distracted, see your friends, go to the gym or go on long walks. I did this after a split with my ex husband and it really helped me, plus tired me out so I slept well at night. Also I found reading really helpful and distracting, I started to read horror books which I never read before and they kept my mind busy at night.

Good luck OP, I do really hope things work out ok for you in the end.

Chicken320

Spot on. I think my relationship with my family plays a key role on how I treat her / she treats me. My relationship with my family is poor at the best of times and I think their lack of understanding and interest in what I do has affected me.
I rarely say how I feel and they take little interest in what makes me happy. The OH, however, does it more so although not enough and I think is something I need to raise with her if things are to continue and we are to have a future together.

She has been brought up in a very loving family, where they do lots of things for her and she doens't do a lot in return. I don't think, until she met me, she's had to really think hard about gestures for other people (i.e. a boyfriend), aside from friends.

Your dad gave you a fantastic piece of advice and an adage I will use in future. The one person in my life who treats me extremely well is my Aunt and God Mother and after that it's my girlfriend. The relationship certainly needs working at and, if anything, I'm guilty of not always raising how I feel.

It's just difficult to keep my head in the right place at the moment, but I am taking each day as it comes!

make_me_wise

I would use this time apart from your gf to decide what it is that you want and need from the future. Whilst there is this no contact between you both, concentrate solely on you. I get the impression this is not something that will come easily to you. I am feeling that you spend alot of time feeling anxious and have worries of how people view you and judge you. I think you have maybe been on a bit of an emotional assault course recently, trying to second guess where things are at and keep things on an even keel. I reckon you dont like confrontation, but standing up for yourself does not need to lead to that, if you are with the right person.

Ask yourself the following, seeing as at present this woman is really important to you. If your relationship with her would always be as it is now, if you would always feel the way you do now, does spending your life with her (with all that involves such as running a home/life, paying a mortgage, going through lifes ups and downs,having children to raise together) really seem like such an attractive proposition? If you cant genuinely and pretty instantly say yes then I would question for your own sake whether she is 'the one'.

I wish you alot of luck

victory

Try to keep it in the right place, stop thinking of what she could have done better or you could have, clearly there has to be more communication on both sides but the blame game is on a looser now, it is communication you need, open it again ,regardless of what she says because reading your posts it is harrowing to feel that another person could inflict such anguish on someone they proclaim they love.