Time apart

Chicken320

I’m a new poster on here, however, I’ve been lurking in the background for a while and love the community.

I’ve never really been one to share my problems, nor will I reveal too much as I have close friends who use this forum, however, I am in need of some advice / words of support.

My partner who I’ve been in a relationship with for nearly three-years has decided she wants some time apart to work out what she wants. We’ve been together from a very young age – teenage sweet hearts – and she needs to decipher where her life is heading and whether I feature in that plan. I am three-years older and about to head onto the property ladder (at a young age) and come from quite a tough upbringing, with poor relations with some close family members.

I’ve respected her heat-breaking decision and decided that if I give her some time now to decide what she wants and explore life that, if she loves me and it’s meant to be, she will return... So, the official term is 'on a break' with no communication until she's ready. Has anyone else been in a situation similar to this? I’m not planning on changing my approach, I love her so much I feel I owe her this much, however, I’m keen to find out ways to deal with the pain and rejection.

Thanks in advance.

CHICKEN

victory

Time apart or on a break has to be with a cut off point, you are respecting her and acknowledging her need for this but you cannot have no communication indefinetly, it has to be a period of however much you have mutually prior agreed to, leaving you hanging and waiting and wishing and hoping is a cruel way to handle her indecisions.

sexymouse

Didn't want to read and run. I've only been in this situation as a teenager with my first boyfriend and I didn't deal with it very well at all, so I'm afraid I can't give you much advice other than try to distract yourself with other things - your new house would be a good place to keep you busy - eg planning the furniture, decor etc.

Dorisx

Me and my OH have been together for 6 years, Since OH was 16 and me 15 with one 3 month break in between, a bit like this - some time to see what we wanted, work out where our lives where heading ect ... my OH joined the army 4 years ago so we get alot of time away from each other already but he decided he needed a 'break' just to see if I was what he REALLY wanted, There was no 'set time' we'd be apart, we where just going to see how it went - I was in pieces, didnt want it at all so I had to try and make myself not ring him 6 times a day, text him 20 times ect. Eventually I stopped myself and only spoke to him about once a week and it was just as 'friends' ... About 4 weeks after I stopped contacting him all the time he realised what he's almost lost and came home on a weekend to tell me how stupid he had been and how he hoped that I would take him back, of course I did! I have loved him from the minute I got with him! BUT I do think that 3 months apart probably did us the world of good! ... We are now buying a house together! I hope she realises what shes losing and realises quickly before you move on! ... Just remember to try to not constantly contact her, ler her realise that she misses you! I hope it all works out ! x

ska_lover

Dont think it will neccesarily be the end. Me and my oh went through this quite a few years back now, and it was the making of us.

kettlefish

This might come across as blunt - and please please take it as it's meant (kindly but truthfully) - but I have also been with my husband from being 18 and would never, ever risk going "on a break" from him just in case he finds someone else.

To go on a break means that you accept the possibility that it is actually a break-up, and it's not fair that you have to accept that possibility if she is absolutely certain you'll hang around until she's ready. So what I'd do is; try to see it as an opportunity. I don't mean go and get your end away immediately, but spend time with different people, go out places you've always wanted to see but never been able to, enjoy time to yourself playing X-box until 3am...

Think about where you see/saw the relationship going. Do you want the same things - do you share the same views on the "biggies"? Are kids and marriage important to her, or you? Why after three years together do you say "I" want to get on the property ladder? Do you really think she's who you're meant to be with, or is it a comfortable habit?

Above all, be kind to yourself. Wallow a bit if you want, but try not to make it too easy for her to have her cake and eat it!

newcook

First of all, you are too young to refer to her as your partner – Im guessing from your post that you are around 19?

Anyway, from my experience (Im 30) asking for time apart/a break to ‘see how we feel’ is just a very gentle way to let you down. If my guess on your age is right then she is only 16 and possibly feels she is too young to be ‘tied down’ and thinking of other options in life such as college and uni and she wants to explore these as a single young woman.

I think you may need to accept her decision and follow other avenues yourself – while she may decide in a year or 2 that she does want to be with you, you may have found someone who knows that they want to be with you.

victory

Like I previously said a break cannot be open ended, you have to have some form of rules, like how long? Are you going to go out with other people? Are you going to sleep with them? Are you going to stay in the same country or is there going to be travelling involved? There has to be rules on both sides how else to know how you should be whilst waitng?

Chicken320

Thank you to all the people that took the time to respond, your words and support are invaluable.

DorisX - Thank you for your kind words and it re-assuring to think that I’m not the only person who has been in this situation. I still feel quite raw at the moment as this is a very recent decision from her. I’m hoping this will do us the world of good as it has made me realise a few things that I could improve on and also, how much I value her as a best friend and girlfriend.

kettlefish - To be honest with you, we both shunned the idea of being 'on a break', but she is adament she needs the time to work out how she feels. I'm certainly not interested in anyone else and she assures me she isn't either, which is why we've agreed to keep things 'exclusive'. However, we're not communicating at all until she is ready. I've gone to the efforts of de-activating my Facebook, to ease the pain, as has she.

Friends are being fantastic and keeping me busy and I'm going to continue to socialise. I am just worried about one aspect. If we don't communicate at all and she has no idea of what I am upto, will she forget about me all together?

I established quite a long time ago that she was 'the one' for me and she said felt the same too. However, something has changed things, sparked this and her life isn't progressing as quickly as she'd like. I have a poor relationship with family members, which has forced me to move out. Maybe life is progressing too quickly and she feels suffocated - I don't know. In essence, all I want to do is, do right by her, her family and try and win her back!

Chicken320

I am 23, but you're right, 'partner' isn't the correct term. Admittidly, we haven't set enough guidlines, although one thing's certain, seeing other people is off the cards.

I share the view that 'on a break' is a gentle way of letting someone down, but, at the same time, I live in hope that I can win her back! Show her that the grass isn't always greener on the otherside and that I feel I can offer her happiness!

victory

Well so far from what you say if you are exclusive you have not 'lost her'.

To not communicate is something else, if you fee so strongly write things down, maybe as in a letter to her but not neccessarily post it to her but keep it near so you can see what you feel about it.

I don't think she will forget abut you no.

Stop analyzing what you can improve on and how quickly you think things have gone, how it could be better, you will drive yourself crazy like that. They must have been good for 3 years, think positive, without the communication it is much harder to gauge what she thinks, feels will do, is there any mutual friends that can help?