My ex smokes in front of my daughters...advice?

MariaKaria

Acc72 wrote: »

That is not exactly what you are saying.

What you did exactly say is "do I have the right to stop them staying with him?" as per your original post.

staying with him...as in staying overnight, I did not say "do I have the right to stop them seeing him"

wannabehermit

halibut2209 wrote: »

I love it how people are so critical of their exes. "irresponsible" etc. Why the hell did you go out with them and have kids with them in the first place? It doesn't say much about your own character.

If only it was that easy. I hate it how people are so critical of other peoples decisions. "Why did you go out with him?", "Why did you stay with him?" etc. Until you've lived it don't criticise.

digitalphase

PasturesNew wrote: »

How'd you feel if he started complaining about the food you're feeding them, or how often you're making them wash, or whether you were allowed to take them to your friend's house where there's a big dog?

They're his kids too and there are many things people would disagree about, but if it's his time there's nothing you can do about it - the same way he can't stick his oar in about your parenting.

There's always someone who has to try and turn things round, even in such a clear cut scenario. The only people who would approve of this sort of behaviour (smoking around children) is smokers who do it themselves. Surely everyone else - everyone NORMAL - would be abhorred by this behaviour?

I don't know what is wrong with this country - or any country for that matter - that deems it legal to smoke around children.
It is the height of selfishness. It goes above an beyond typical selfish smoking behaviour of standing in doorways 'having a fag' while people have to squeeze in and out past their gusts of smoke and phlegmy coughs, and sitting in a car park smoking while you load your child and buggy into the car amidst this polluted air. To treat your OWN children with such blatant disregard for their health is absolutely appalling.

Your kids must stink when they come home OP.

I'd have a serious chat with your ex informing him that this behaviour is not acceptable, and it making the children unhappy as they have complained to you. It will most probably get to the stage where they just don't want to go to his house, and he'd maybe have to take them out somewhere to spend time with them.

I'd never have any sort of a relationship with a walking ashtray, so I wouldn't have this problem myself. I pity your children because of this, and you must feel very much like your hands are tied, OP.

Bumpmakesfour

puddy wrote: »

i find it amazing and this is not an isolated case. over the weekend we were in the supermarket. an entire family was walking around the aisles together (i never understand why parents, grandparents and children view the supermarket as a day out but anyway)

the man that i would think was the grand parent was in a mobility scooter thing with a breathing mask on his face. the entire family stank of fags. i knew that this was a family who smoked all the time and around this bloke

sure enough they left the shop at the same time as us and every single one of them, even the bloke, lit up

Nuts!I know a family who brought their baby home from NICU on oxygen...and used to smoke in the car with the FLAMMABLE canister in the back :eek:
OP you're going to get loads of people telling you you're in the wrong to feel the way you do...but anyone with half a brain knows it's wrong wrong wrong to smoke around kids.Ok it isn't illegal to do so but it bloomin well should be!!

halibut2209

wannabehermit wrote: »

If only it was that easy. I hate it how people are so critical of other peoples decisions. "Why did you go out with him?", "Why did you stay with him?" etc. Until you've lived it don't criticise.

I have lived it, but I don't go around slagging off my ex.

As Richard Attenborough says in Jurassic Park "I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they live with them."

MariaKaria

To be honest I'm stunned at some of the responses, my aim is to do the best by my children, keep them healthy and of course maintain an amicable relationship between my ex and I.
I am aware there are lots of mothers out there who use the "I'll stop you seeing the children" card as the master weapon against their ex-partners and I seem to have been put into that category by a few angry men/fathers who have twisted my words and vented their feelings in my direction, I will say it for the last time....I AM NOT TRYING TO STOP MY EX SEEING HIS DAUGHTERS, I have said this again and again I would never do that, on the contrary, I want them to have a fantastic relationship with the both of us, however because of the smoking situation I have concerns about the health risks they are being exposed to, surely this is not difficult to understand!

POPPYOSCAR

OP I totally understand where you are coming from and this has nothing to do with 'slaging off the ex', (something that annoys me as well).

You are right to be concerned and it never ceases to amaze me when smokers put themselves before their children.

If it were me, I would not let them stay overnight if he does not agree to smoke well away from them.

BitterAndTwisted

It's not difficult to understand your concern but you can't do anything about it. So you've just got to accept it and move on. You've voiced your concerns to your ex and he's ignored them. That's his decision and you've just got to get on with it now.

JBD

halibut2209 wrote: »

I have lived it, but I don't go around slagging off my ex.

As Richard Attenborough says in Jurassic Park "I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they live with them."

So does your ex put her own needs ahead of the children's then? That is the issue here, the children's physical health is being compromised. That could quite easily be avoided, simply by the father stepping into another room/outdoors to smoke. Yes he is being selfish and irresponsible.

balletshoes

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It's not difficult to understand your concern but you can't do anything about it. So you've just got to accept it and move on. You've voiced your concerns to your ex and he's ignored them. That's his decision and you've just got to get on with it now.

exactly this - you can't stop him. What he's doing, whether you like it or not, isn't illegal. Your decision (if you made it) to not allow your children to stay over at their dad's because he smokes there would not stand up in court if he challenged it - you would be made out to be the unreasonable parent.