My ex smokes in front of my daughters...advice?

MariaKaria

Hi all,
I have 2 daughters (ages 6 and 9) from a previous marriage, apart from the odd disagreement my ex and I generally still get on ok, the girls live with me and he has them to stay with him 1 or 2 nights on the weekend.
However, he smokes fairly heavily and the girls have told me quite a few times that he smokes around them, he lives in a bedsit which has a combined living/kitchen/bedroom area so they're around it constantly, there is an adjoining unused room he could go in to but doesn't, I have questioned him about this a number of times but he denies it and says he goes into the other room, I know he's lying but I don't want to bring the girls into a confrontation with him to prove it....I know they would feel awkward and its not fair to make them stand there saying Daddy is lying, right in front of him.
I know he never even opens the doors or windows to air the place out, and they've also told me he smokes in the car while they're out with him.
I don't know what to do, if I confront him he just denies it, I would threaten to stop him having the girls to stay with him but he will tell me I can't stop him having his daughters to stay.
I'm very concerned for my daughters health, I find it incredibly selfish making his own daughters live and sleep in a space being constantly smoked in, obviously his comfort is more important to him than their health, can anyone give me any advice?, do I have the right to stop them staying with him?
Thanks

balletshoes

to be honest, as much as it would nark me, I don't think theres anything you can do about it. My DD would nag her Dad to distraction if he smoked in a room she was in though, so I don't think that would last long!

puddy

its disgusting but unfortunately he is doing nothing illegal because the majority of people in this country dont want their 'rights' impinged by being told they cannot smoke around children

im sorry to say theres nothing you can do. the children may vote with their feet in time anyway

they must stink when they come back

wannabehermit

Unfortunately as others have said there's nothing you can do. My ex lives in a similar sounding hole, er sorry flat. Him and his mates smoke very heavily while the boys are there (5 & 9), they have to be stripped and bathed the instant they are through the door, their hair needs washing about 3 times before the smell goes, same with their clothes in the winter, not so bad in summer as they go on the line and that gets the smell out.

To make matters worse it is cannabis that my ex is smoking and I've been to countless solicitors who say it is 'only cannabis' :mad: so they won't represent us in court (currently saving up to get a non-legal aid solicitor) and even SS aren't bothered by it.

Makes me so mad. DS2s health is suffering majorly because of it. He comes back with a severe cough, his tonsils are a mess, made worse by the smoke and now this week he was hospitalised with a migraine, something that could be triggered by smoke. But unfortunately there's absolutely nothing I can do. The hospital, gp and school have all backed me up to SS over this but they're just not interested.

Unfortunately you're going to have to wait until your DDs make their own voices heard to their dad.

pigpen

I think it will come to the point where the girls tell him they dont want to go because of it.. and say his house/him/they smell .. he will either curb his smoking or restrict it if very time he lights up they say oh that stinks/thats disgusting etc...

I dont think anything you do will make any difference it has to be them in this instance... but that doesnt mean when they complain about the smell you cant say .. well I cant do anything about that you should tell your dad if it makes you unhappy..

MariaKaria

Thank for your replies everyone.
wannabehermit.....I'm sorry you're in a situation similar to me, I hope you manage to get the non-legal aid solicitor and something can be done, our children shouldn't be exposed to these health risks just because our irresponsible ex-partners choose to exist in their smoke/drug filled hole....er flat
I feel very disappointed and angry that I'm powerless to stop this, I can't stand the thought of them laying there asleep surrounded by lingering smoke, my only option is to drill into them how bad it is for their health and that it makes them smell awful too....hopefully they will nag him into taking some responsibility.

PasturesNew

How'd you feel if he started complaining about the food you're feeding them, or how often you're making them wash, or whether you were allowed to take them to your friend's house where there's a big dog?

They're his kids too and there are many things people would disagree about, but if it's his time there's nothing you can do about it - the same way he can't stick his oar in about your parenting.

puddy

PasturesNew wrote: »

How'd you feel if he started complaining about the food you're feeding them, or how often you're making them wash, or whether you were allowed to take them to your friend's house where there's a big dog?

They're his kids too and there are many things people would disagree about, but if it's his time there's nothing you can do about it - the same way he can't stick his oar in about your parenting.

to be honest if a parent (either mum or dad) was feeding a child food which was injurous to their health, was putting the children at risk from poor supervision around an agressive dog or was keeping the children in a state of poor personaly hygiene, i would very much expect the other parent to be questioning this.

with regard to the poster above with the children surrounded by people smoking cannibis you need to either ditch your solicitor and get another, or go to court yourself, you dont need legal representation to do this and smoking cannibis is illegal, it gives messages to that child about doing illegal things. you have real concerns about the smoke affecting your child's health in a negative way.

im allergic to cigarette smoke, my dad had to give up when my mum came storming back from the GP after getting that diagnosis and he was promptly made to give up (we all lived together by the way), if a child is actually suffering then you have some grounds for putting in some conditions about this and seek support from the court system if theres no other way to achieve this

halibut2209

I love it how people are so critical of their exes. "irresponsible" etc. Why the hell did you go out with them and have kids with them in the first place? It doesn't say much about your own character.

MariaKaria

PasturesNew wrote: »

How'd you feel if he started complaining about the food you're feeding them, or how often you're making them wash, or whether you were allowed to take them to your friend's house where there's a big dog?

They're his kids too and there are many things people would disagree about, but if it's his time there's nothing you can do about it - the same way he can't stick his oar in about your parenting.

I don't need to question how I would feel about any of those things....because I, being a responsible parent, do everything I can to make sure my children stay safe and healthy.
The last thing I would want to do is stop him from seeing his children, I am the first person to stand up for fathers rights to see their kids and always say that its not only about his right to see his children...its also about the right of my daughters to see the father they love, so please don't label me.
The seperation of 2 people with children is always difficult for everybody concerned and my aim is to bring up our children in the best way I can, hopefully causing as little emotional upset as possible, while keeping the relationship between my ex and I as amicable as I can make it, however I do feel that I have the right to say/do something if my daughters health is being affected.

MariaKaria

halibut2209 wrote: »

I love it how people are so critical of their exes. "irresponsible" etc. Why the hell did you go out with them and have kids with them in the first place? It doesn't say much about your own character.

Well, due to us not having children together before we actually had them I was unable to judge how responsible he would be.