I feel like I want to run away from my family...

cte1111

I don't think you're your own worst enemy, just human! Seriously though, the running away feeling is classic depression. Sounds like you were having a down time and now that you've been successful in helping your neighbours, you've got better self esteen and are therefore feeling better.

I've had depression for years, I used to feel like running away too. I did up our spare room as 'my space' although found that I rarely used it, but at least I felt I had the option to kind of run there if I felt like it. I don't think I feel like that any more. I've had CBT as well as psychotherapy. Have you seen your GP recently to see if there are any other treatment options that might help you?

Well done on making positive steps, you don't have to show that you are 'better' all the time you now, it is an illness and sometimes is still going to make you feel ill.

DarlingBuds

Thanks for your comments CTE. I have been to doc's and on meds again. I've had therapy and that worked wonders, but I came off the pills for around 8 months and went downhill again. Doc's saying I do everything alright, but sometimes I just lose myself and panic!
I also have a panic disorder which sees me go very quiet when not in control and have to do things a certain way. I know I might never get better, but I just hate this incredibly low days. It's so crippling, I hate it

DarlingBuds

Just wanted to leave an update, booked a yurt for 3 days in devon in the middle of nowhere, but i've decided to bring my family with me. I love them so much and I'm too scared at the moment to actually venture out on my own.

I'm going to go there this weekend (it's my birthday too) and then once I'm comfortable with the place, I'll go on my own for the weekend.

I think with my panic disorder, I need to find my bearings first sometimes, so going with them might actually help!

Here's to a nice birthday weekend!!

busiscoming2

cte1111 wrote: »

I don't think you're your own worst enemy, just human! Seriously though, the running away feeling is classic depression. Sounds like you were having a down time and now that you've been successful in helping your neighbours, you've got better self esteen and are therefore feeling better.

I've had depression for years, I used to feel like running away too. I did up our spare room as 'my space' although found that I rarely used it, but at least I felt I had the option to kind of run there if I felt like it. I don't think I feel like that any more. I've had CBT as well as psychotherapy. Have you seen your GP recently to see if there are any other treatment options that might help you?

Well done on making positive steps, you don't have to show that you are 'better' all the time you now, it is an illness and sometimes is still going to make you feel ill.

I didn't realise that. I must have suffered a very mild depression on a couple of occasions as I have felt like I could just open the front door and run and run... I also quite like to go into dark quiet places too, like hiding in corners and the utility room (which has no window). Thinking about it, it happens when I can't find a solution to something or a reason why something has happened.

OP I hope you enjoy your Yurt and that it helps you.

Seanymph

DB I sympathise so much with your situation I really do. I'd like to add a couple of things if I may, which I hope help you to think maybe from a different angle.
Firstly, depression is physical. It's a PHYSICAL thing. This isn't in your head, it isn't controllable, it's physical. After years a psychiatrist told me that, and it gave me such a release of responsibility. The fluid in your brain that carries the electrical impulses has depressed activity. That's why it's called depression - not because you are unhappy - but because it is depressed electrical activity and your thinking is not firing right.
I have never seen it recommended, but would urge you very strongly to get a fish oil supplement and take it daily. Alongside any other medications you are prescribed.
Because it's physical you have to try harder to function and that makes you low because of the efforts - do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself. Don't expect so much of yourself, work hard to accept 'good enough' rather than 'perfect'. And I'd urge you to use that as a mantra.... put it on your fridge if you need to!
The other thing I'd like to stress is that your husband is doing his best, just like you are, with how things are at the moment. Your trials and tribulations and illness don't trump his trying to deal with his lifes worries any more than yours do his. He sounds like a decent, normal bloke. Don't lose your marriage in a down bit because it's the easiest thing to change and regret it forever.
Keep a diary - work on small things. If you truly feel you two haven't connected then don't go by yourself to the yurt, take him. Seek to put happiness between the two of you whilst asking nothing from him. And be gracious when he puts it there too. You are both precious, both want to feel valued, and need to nurture your marriage. Leaving a marriage is much bigger than it feels whilst you are doing it - and if you do suffer depression you will continue to do so as a single parent with limited income and no one to share responsibility or be your best friend.
Hold his hands, tell him you love him, and keep telling him until you feel it again. Take a walk with him - get a babysitter and go get a chinese and eat it in the car - book him a day off work and spend it together having a massage or book a flotation tank whilst the kids are at school .......... but be kind to him.
It can be a dark place, but he's still there walking with you - maybe he doesn't speak how you want, or say what you want to hear, or do things how you want him to do them - but he's trying. And he too is doing his best.
You are a very special person, you said yourself you should consider yourself lucky - no you shouldn't, you deserve to have a happy marriage, a good family life, and a rosy future.
It's a medical illness - don't make any rash decisions, be gentle with yourself and your marriage, take the supplements, and know that this will pass. All things do, and these feelings will. Take time, try meditation, walk EVERY DAY - borrow someone's dog if you have to...... but hang in there if you possibly can.
I send you all the strength I can.

DarlingBuds

WOW Seanymph, I've started to cry! Jesus, if somebody had told me all what you have just said at the very beginning, I think I could have looked at it so differently!

You need to post this on EVERYONE's account!!!!!

Thank you so much for your support, everything you wrote is so so true - I cannot thank you enough! xxxx

I'm going to keep everything you have said in mind while I'm on this break.

THANK YOU!!!! :j:j:T:T:j:j

Seanymph

Oh don't cry - you aren't supposed to do that - you are just supposed to breathe a little easier, and step a little lighter.

Enjoy your break. Take it gently, laugh a little, seek simple things is the answer I guess.

And if I don't post again (because I lose my place on the boards a LOT) feel free to PM me. I guess you can work it out, but I've been very depressed for a long time. I'm not any longer, but if I can hold out a hand to anyone in that place I would. You will get better you know, it'll pass. It all passes.

DarlingBuds

thank you so much Seanymph, really means a lot. I actually am now quite excited about going tomorrow and I hope we can chill out, it's very remote where we are going, no electrics, on our own.

I'll let you know how we get on xxx

DarlingBuds

Hi everyone, just wanted to give you an update on our mini break to Devon in a yurt! OMG!! Why am I living in a house? 6 acres all to ourselves, building fires, cooking jacket spuds and sleeping under the stars, outside showers and composting toilet - it was bliss!

It made me chill, however, there were times when I needed total solitude and I felt on the verge of anger when the boys were playing too loud and I struggled when we went to the beach and there were hundreds of people. I found I didn't like the noise and the hussle and bussle.
Once we were back at the yurt I was fine. Does anyone else not like noise?

Apart from that, it was a lovely break. Coming home, I could feel myself being stressed again but so far this week at work has been fine.

So, anyone got a yurt for sale....? xxxx

Seanymph

I am SO pleased for you! Obviously just what you needed.

For a while I had prescribed Propanolol - they are beta blockers, stopped the rising anger. Make you dopey mind you as a side effect.... might be worth a chat with the gp?

Or avoid people. I have to say I don't like most of them much myself

I've always fancied a yurt.