Real Life MMD: Should my brother get his share of Mum's will?

ripongrammargirl

Your brother sounds like a bit of a money grabbing con man. For starters anyone that needs 5 grand to buy a car is insane as my car cost £500 and is perfect. Your mum must be mad not to have demanded the money back or the equivalent amount in help on the house/garden etc. It disgusts me when anyone "borrows" money from family/friends, does not pay it back and then starts having lots of little extras for themselves. NEVER a lender or borrower be! If it is eating you up like this (and it would me!) then you need to discuss it with your mum and brother to see what reaction you get from both. If your mum is so rich-or daft- to give 5K away for things that are not needed, especially at that price, then maybe you could get a "loan" too, which would equal everything out?! You do need to make your feelings known though as jealousy/anger are powerful emotions that will cause massive tension.

oliveoil54

Think you are all being a tad unfair, after all the Poster maybe posting for advice on behalf of her Mum, who may not have the ability to find the info out herself! She does state her Mum is very unhappy about the unpaid loan!! £5000 may be quite a lot to her Mum, and older people including myself do like to have their affairs in order.

Being in a similar position to the Mum in question having loaned a much larger sum to one of my children, I feel the only correct way if Mum doesnt want to confront the son about not paying back now; and to make things completely fair and avoid future confrontation especially after death, its up to Mum to alter her will to reduce his portion by the £5000. That way all the family gets exactly the same.

Aldahbra

oliveoil54 wrote: »

Think you are all being a tad unfair, after all the Poster maybe posting for advice on behalf of her Mum.

I agree the key point that it bothers her mum seem to have been missed by many of the posts.

If it didn't bother the mum then I would say that she can do as she pleases with her money.

It bothers the Mum so deducting the outstanding balance of the loan from their inheritance would seem to be the fairest solution and may make the Mum feel better about the situation now.

Maat

I can understand your feelings as it comes across as a matter of justice to not only you but to your other siblings as well.

I can't help feeling a family conference might be a good idea, with your mother and all your siblings there. It may be helpful to sound out some of them first though as if you're the only one protesting about this issue you'll only incur ill will all round.

The most important thing is to do the thing with compassion and without judgement. So to simply state that you feel this situation is unfair because if anything were to happen to your mother before your brother paid back the loan (make it sound as though you believe he is perfectly willing to and just hasn't got round to it yet) that he would have an unfair advantage over the rest of the family. Invite comments from the others, including your mother and the brother who had the loan. Such an approach is less likely to make your brother and his wife defensive and make them more amenable to looking for solutions.

It could also save you from a lot of ill feelings within the family and that's even more important - to me anyway, obviously I can't speak for you - than the justice issue.

Good luck, I hope you and your family can find an equitable and friendly way through this dilemma.

louisajonas

Can I just say to all the negative comment leavers on here - why is it so taboo to talk about someone dying as though it is never going to happen? What does talking about a will have to do with wanting your mother to be dead or alive? Get a grip - they are talking about a certain eventuality not sticking pins in a voodoo doll!

The answer seems to be that he shouldn't get his share of mum's estate as he has already had it but he probably will because mum will feel too bad to change her will!

livin'_next_the_cut

had the misfortune to know somebody that did similar. when parent died this somebody made declarations to probate and without telling the sibling full detail, then employed obfuscation to ensure sibling unaware of true value of parents estate.

later the swine became aware of other money not originally declared; guess what, claimed but didnt declare to probate office and never told sibling.

honest or what?

Greenfly_3

I had a similar problem when my parents died. I was executor for both of them. My mother had lent money to my brother while he was going through a bad patch when he became unemployed. She said to me that I was to deduct the amounts from his share of the estate and redistribute accordingly. Following my mothers death, I had a meeting with my other brothers and we unanimously agreed that there should be no deduction and that he should still get his equal share. Family love and care is worth far more that £sd (sorry ..... £p). Things may be different in your family, but not ours.

Greenfly_3

Further to my last... I do understand though how it feels when your brother appears to be reasonably well off now, but it is, as been mentioned before, a matter for your mother to deal with. Unless of course she feels intimidated by the son. If that's the case, and you feel so strongly about the way she's been treated, then you have a word with him. I wouldn't like to speculated on the resonse you will get, but I don't think it will necessarily be nice.

bigperk

Clearly it's up to your mother to decide what to do with HER money - are you assuming she's bothered or has she said? (It's easy to confuse your own feelings of unfairness with hers). If she is worried, by all means discuss with her what SHE feels is fair (not what you do).

Perhaps she could suggest to your sibling that he pays her back now if he wants an equal share of the inheritance.

And yes, I have been in a similar position. Briefly, when my brother died he left the money and house (which he had got from our mother - my brother and I got virtually nothing) to us, but he left more to him than he did to me, for reasons which are unclear to me. But I got over it, as legally that was his right (and I don't want to spoil MY life by dwelling on the 'unfairness').

davidcomps

Been there, done that!

I was executor on my grandfathers estate and had to deal with a scaled down version of this. My cousin had borrowed money and "forgotten" to pay it back (or mention it to me when he died!), but she wasn't a beneficiary - just her mum & his 2 other daughters.

I was lucky that in his papers was a letter asking for the loan and a later one saying that they were struggling to get the money to pay him back. A polite letter got half back & a much firmer one eventually got the 2nd half.

It's not pleasant to deal with, but it is fair.

If this bothers your mum (and you say it does) then you need to talk to her quietly and ask her what she wants done about it. A lot of older folk don't want to make a fuss, but are blind to the probability that not dealing now may well cause a much bigger fuss later on.

You don't mention who your mum has made executor(s) in her will - could get very messy if it's you & your brother! If it is you, then sad but serious advice is to change the locks when she dies - you have no idea who else has access to her property and you become responsible for safeguarding her assets. Having said that, I'd suggest that going through her papers for bank books, insurances, cash, etc is wisest done in the company of another sibling to avoid accusations being made about items vanishing.

Is it stereotyping to blame his wife? If you're going to approach your brother, then only do so if your mum wants you to do so on her behalf. Amongst the 8 of you, there are bound to be some who get on better than others - why not suggest your mum uses the one who gets on best with your brother to make the approach.

I get the impression that you & your brother may not be best of friends anyway, so some of the comments above may not be too relevant regarding all the family love abounding / at risk?

Outside of your specific case, there is a lesson for many of us - talk about how you want your money and other assets dealt with, make a will that carries out your wishes (what you WANT, not what you think you ought to do). And if you've made any loans that you want repaid, then jolly well say so and write it down!

Finally, go round your mum's and spend some happy time together.