I'm a bit fed up today. Family are not always a blessing.

mummyoftwomonkeys

I think most of us have members of family like this :-( I know we do. We don't own our own house, don't have lots of money but we work and support our family, we have 2 sons and I thought my M.I.L would be over the moon to have her 1st grand children but instead she showers my b.i.l with all the attention who can do no wrong and there for he thinks he is the bees knees and everything we own or do in his words is "rubbish" my dads brother had a good job and quite a lot of money and he used to say stuff to my dad like "you are judged by the kind of car you drive and the woman on your arm" this has always annoyed my dad some people are just jerks we moved 15 miles to get away from my husbands family because they pizz us off so much the best advice I can give is rise above it and remember you are doing great :-)

aliasojo

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

aliasojo, what would make you feel an equal to your uncle? What would it take to make an encounter with him feel okay?

I think it's maybe to do with respect. Or lack of it.

I think maybe he views me as a lesser person because of my life choices (some of which have admittedly been poor) and therefore has little respect for me.

I tried to imagine how he would talk to another of his nieces and I am positive she would get more respect and his demeanor twards her would be different. She went to private school and now has a career in medicine. I don't believe he would act the same way with her simply because she had made better lifestyle choices than I did and he would respect her more.

This has no basis in fact btw, it's all just how I feel. I daresay some other family members would be shocked to know I felt like this and wouldn't see things the way I do. I'm sure they only see him as helpful or jovial.

Although I do know there was some anger towards him years ago when he tore strips off me in the High Street for not going to see my 'dying Mum' as he put it. I had no clue my Mum was dying until the words came out of his mouth. We lived 200 miles apart and we spoke on the phone weekly and visited during school holidays. She had deliberately not told us she had cancer and was going out of her way to hide it from us. As it was early stages she looked normal and we had no idea she was ill. He told me I should have known and I should be down there with her right now, not walking about in the High Street, not caring. Needless to say I was very upset and I went to see her that afternoon. The rest of the family thought he was out of line for what he did but it was years ago now and all blew over so he's back being the blue eyed boy.

aliasojo

Any wrote: »

OP, from what you say about your uncle and how everyone likes him, I don't think he sets out to upset you or put you down or anything. People with very high levels of confidence and wide knowledge (or believe that is what they have:-)) just do not realise that their "advice" or "comments" can hurt others. They cannot imagine other way of life then theirs and believe that is what everyone strives for. It does not even cross their mind that they might be wrong or insensitive.

I think that by and large, that is very much the case.

One aspect of recent conversation turned to his field of work which is relevent to my eldest son's disabilities. However he just blindly assumes we are not able to deal with things ourselves and we need told what we should be doing. Best of it is, he's wrong as he doesn't have the first clue about son.

And there was I not putting personal stuff up.

Which is why I think I need to learn how to deal better with my feelings

madrhino

He sounds to me like a bully. Bullies usually pick on someone they see as vulnerable whilst being friendly to everyone else so they don't see the behaviour.
Maybe the best way to deal with is to be straightforward, as sometimes jokey retorts can backfire if you don't have the confidence to back it up. When he goes on about something he is wrong about (such as what your son needs), just calmly and clearly tell him the facts and put him straight. If he says something mean or puts you down just ask him why he just said that. It can get very boring for a bully if they are questioned about their behaviour. Just stay calm and confront his behaviour in a calm, non aggressive manner.

thunderbird

Sounds like he rates people's success by their level of education/career choice/how much they earn?

Some people may agree with that perspective, personally I don't.

From what you have said of his attitude and behaviour I would suspect that other people have a similar opinion to you, but just don't mention it. Sounds like he is extremely self-centred and lacks empathy.

I think that if you can look at 'why' he is saying the things he does - and identify the reasons as being to do with him rather than you, then that may help you to handle his comments better.
Then it is up to you as to how to respond, either smile and nod to be polite and keep the peace or confront him.

Mojisola

We had an elderly relative who would declare, when faced with someone like this, "It's just as well we're not all the same or there'd be no call for tins of mixed biscuits!" It usually stopped the conversation, made people laugh and the know-it-all always backed down.

Errata

aliasojo wrote: »

I wont go into all the boring details but some family came to see us in the new house we're in.

One family member has always made me feel inferior. I don't think he sets out to do so but he's a very 'in your face' type who knows it all and doesn't bother to find out too much about background before telling you what you should be doing. He's always had high flying career positions, as have his own kids and my brother and I always felt like the black sheep of the family as our only aspirations when growing up were to get the hell out of the family home away from our Dad.

I'm in my late 40's fgs, why does he always put my back up and make me feel bad?! I accept I own my own feelings but I have no clue how to let this person just wash over me?!

I don't see him often thankfully, but when I do, I feel bad for days afterwards. I don't want to fall out or tell him to get lost, I just want to be able to deal with the feelings he invokes in me so that I can dismiss them and he no longer has any effect on me.

Easier said than done.

Anyone else got family who makes them feel low?

He sounds like a stock character in a telly sitcom. Mr Hyacinth Bucket springs to mind Think of him like that and you'll be looking forward to his next opinion and words of wisdom

gratefulforhelp_2

Mojisola wrote: »

We had an elderly relative who would declare, when faced with someone like this, "It's just as well we're not all the same or there'd be no call for tins of mixed biscuits!" It usually stopped the conversation, made people laugh and the know-it-all always backed down.

Love it:T :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

spaghetti_monster

Some advice someone once gave me (which incidentally I find very hard to put into practice, but sounds like you might be trying to do anyway).

You can use this experience and these feelings to find out something about yourself. There's obviously a reason why he can get you into such a state. I guess this is the opposite to what Thunderbird says!
But you probably encounter people all the time who are annoying/irritating/negative on many different levels. Or even people you like can sometimes be annoying. There's a reason why this guy manages to get right under your skin. Maybe identifying that will help you deal with him.

Other than that I agree with all suggestions to keep a distance - that will definitely help!

aliasojo

spaghetti_monster wrote: »

Some advice someone once gave me (which incidentally I find very hard to put into practice, but sounds like you might be trying to do anyway).

You can use this experience and these feelings to find out something about yourself. There's obviously a reason why he can get you into such a state. I guess this is the opposite to what Thunderbird says!
But you probably encounter people all the time who are annoying/irritating/negative on many different levels. Or even people you like can sometimes be annoying. There's a reason why this guy manages to get right under your skin. Maybe identifying that will help you deal with him.

Other than that I agree with all suggestions to keep a distance - that will definitely help!

That's what prompted this thread. I just don't know why he in particular has this effect on me. I've been thinking about it since yesterday and can't come up with a definitive answer, which is why if I can't control the reasoning, I'd like to be able to control the emotions I feel.