Second Chance?

System

LadyMorticia wrote: »

I think it's easy for people to say "No, that would be the end" but until you've actually been in that situation, it's hard to know what you would do.

With domestic violence, there's always that "first hit" and alot of women (or men) are so astounded and shocked that they don't know what to do. Then the man (or woman) apologises and says it won't happen again and if it's the first time it's happened, it's easy to believe them, until it becomes the norm and it's almost like your trapped in a domestic violence situation.

I'm not saying it's right, but there can be a few situations where the person isn't in "their right mind" so to speak, such as when a diabetic is having a hypo. They can get really violent and tetchy sometimes but they won't have any recollection of it whatsoever.

I was going to say the same thing, its easy for me to say i would up and leave straight away but i've never (fortunetly) ever been in that situation and i don't think you'd know what you'd do unless you had been.

LadyMorticia

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I was going to say the same thing, its easy for me to say i would up and leave straight away but i've never (fortunetly) ever been in that situation and i don't think you'd know what you'd do unless you had been.

I'm glad you haven't been in that situation. It's one of those things where you just don't know how you'd react.

I've been in that situation and before it happened, I would have said that I would have left after the first hit but when it happened to me, I just couldn't leave (or more, get him to leave because he came into MY home and I had nowhere else to go).

Thankfully he !!!!ed off back to Ireland near Christmas time and then told me over MSN that he wasn't coming back.

Best Christmas present ever.

stiltwalker

I have done in the past, that was a mistake. I am stronger now and it won't happen again (not least because I have much better taste in men these days! and my OH is lovely). I would also not put up with any emotional abuse now, whether or not someone raised a hand - in some ways that is even more insidious as the outside world seems to understand it less as it is less black and white.

There is more to life - be strong and find it. X

rainbow81

Often physical abuse comes after many weeks/months/years of emotional abuse.

I would say that the latter is harder to get out of and stand by your decision.

The moment a hand is raised against you, you have your chance to get out once and for all. Everyone knows it's wrong, it's not a grey area.

However, if you start it and it's in self-defence then it's obviously a different matter. I would question any relationship that got to that point though.

It IS enough just to be unhappy to end a relationship. You don't need another reason. Can you be happy if someone has hit you? You will forever be wondering when it's going to happen again.

Kay_Peel

Is it The End, you ask?

I think it's the End of any trust or respect for your partner. It's a watershed moment when everything shifts askew and upside down. For me, it means the beginning of the End because it cannot be forgiven and it cannot be forgotten.

notechno

Callie22 wrote: »

My father was a violent alcoholic who was very abusive towards my mum and to us children. I have always sworn that if any man was ever violent to me, that would be it - no second chances, no giving in - and I still feel that way. If my partner ever hit me there would be no trust left in our relationship and it would have to end.

Having said that, having grown up with dv I can see how difficult it can be to leave an abusive relationship - my mum stayed married to my father for far too long, partly because she didn't have the confidence to leave and partly because a lot of her 'friends' and family didn't support her. There were lots of comments along the lines of 'a man doesn't hit a woman unless she's done something to deserve it' and a lot of people who had never seen anything but the charming side of my father, so couldn't believe what he was capable of. As an adult, I can see now just how much courage it took for my mum to stand up to that, walk away and bring us up alone, and I'm very proud of her.

Yes, other people can definitely give you the impression that you're over-reacting. My ex MIL said to me " I got hit every week for years, why do you think you're the poor victim, you need to learn to keep schtum". The other thing that gets to me, even years later when most of it is dead and buried.......he never, ever apologised. Even afterwards, it was still all my fault. All the things you read they're so apologetic afterwards......he never was

And in answer to the OP, no second chances.....but I was in two emotionally and physically abusive relationships, so who am I to talk? Except that I know better than most that they never change their spots

jellyhead

I think it depends on the general state of the relationship, what the person is like and what they are doing to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I hit my boyfriend once, around 12 years ago. It wasn't an emotionally abusive relationship, I am not usually an angry person and I was willing to see the GP and talk about my anger. I was diagnosed with PND and given antidepressants. That relationship only lasted another couple of years, but I've never hit anyone or been anywhere near that angry since then. I don't think it will ever happen again, and if I started to get angry I'd see my GP or a counsellor or whatever.

I was worth sticking with, in my opinion.

I'd say it all depends on what's been going on. There's no excuse for violence, but medical problems might be a reason for it to happen once - but not ever again. If they are not willing to see a doctor and get counselling then run for the hills.

I'd also say if they hurt a child, or hurt you when you are holding a baby or pregnant then that's more serious. I don't know why I hit my boyfriend yet I expect people to get a grip on themselves if there's a child involved, but I do. I suppose that's hypocritical of me, because you should have the same protective feelings and impulse control where the partner you love is concerned, not just where there are children concerned. Hmmm .....

make_me_wise

Blue_Elephant wrote: »

Do you have children?

As a kid, even if the parent isn't violent towards you, you wish that they were, you wish they'd hit you and not your mum. You stand between them so he can't get to her. You don't take friends home from school because you don't know what you'll find. You have nightmares that he'll kill her, wind up in jail and you'll have no one.

I just wish he'd hit me instead, would have been easier to deal with.

ETA Sorry, I have been re-reading, and realised how this might come across. I sort of went into a mind frame I spent a long time trying to get out of, I really didn't mean to sound like I wanted to guilt trip you, just trying to show a child's perspective really. I hope you find a real conclusion to this *hugs*

I think it was incredibly brave of you to share these feelings. Very few people ever get to hear how dv affects a child. It does devestating things not just to the victim but all of those close to them.