Second Chance?

peachyprice

LowDown wrote: »

could you elaborate please?

I don't think it's always a clear cut case of domestic violence and that one incident will definitley lead to another, like lots of things in life really.

There's an obvious difference between a man who is a serial abuser and a man who has been pushed too far, too often.

As B&T has said above, if it were a case that he was severely provoked and pushed beyond anyones reasonable tolerance (yes it does happen).

If he had been hit by his OH in the past and this was one time too many (yes, that happens too).

If it were as a result of medication or mental illness that had changed his personality, that he accepts is a problem.

You just can't say 'that's it' without knowing why it happened.

ERICS_MUM

emsywoo123 wrote: »

From experience, once is enough.

Once is too much.

Get rid now, you'll never have a moments peace from wondering about the next time......

pigpen

He wouldnt be alive to be given a second chance!!!!!!

LowDown

pigpen wrote: »

He wouldnt be alive to be given a second chance!!!!!!

nice to see you are mellowing, pigpen



Thanks for the replies, it confirms what I already thought/knew....

Frogletina

I would agree that it depends on the circumstances. Were you hurt, angry or terrified?

My first husband was violent, and so was my next partner - and I had to move on from them both. I was only 17 and 19 years of age when I was in those relationships, and there was not the support around then that there is now.

However, I was once hit by my second husband and I made it clear that if it happened again then I would walk out - he never did it again. But can I just say it was just a slap, and nothing like the experiences I'd had before which were horrendous.

I think he was just exasperated with the situation he was in and reacted out of character, but I am not saying that is acceptable either. I would have walked if it had occured again.

Solstice_Twilight

As others have said, it would depend on the circumstances for me. My OH once punched me hard enough to bruise my arm - but we were asleep at the time and I had rolled over and managed to catch his face with my fingernails and poked him in the eye so he reacted without thinking. I bruise like soft fruit and, thinking nothing of it, wore a short sleeved top to work, which prompted my line manager to pull me aside for a quite word as to whether everything was alright at home (which, actually, was really good of him, as I know if I or another colleague was genuinely at risk, he would notice and try to help). Generally my OH is the most laid-back person I've ever know, and I have absolutely no fear that he would ever deliberately or conciously cause me harm.

If it were in the heat of the moment in an argument, I would consider whether or not fights or heated arguments are frequent? OH and I never fight like my ex and I did, but we have a policy with each other that if something is really bothering us we discuss it and if one starts to get really wound up, we take a ten minute break to calm down and then try to resolve it. If he did ever lay a hand on me in anger, it would be as completely out of character for him as it would be for me. I know exactly how lucky I am, as I've been on the receiving end of physical and emotional abuse with ex partners, where mindgames were commonplace and "sorry, I just lost my rag" was a common excuse for a hit. Even if the situation has not escalated to physical violence before, most violent relationships, IME, seem to have a build up of emotional abuse and one partner feeling like they can't say what they're thinking to the other for fear of a fight. TBH, no matter how often they promise "it'll never happen again", whether it's violence or emotional abuse, it will happen again the next time the cycle comes around.

You need to ask yourself whether you can talk to your partner about this incident. In my opinion, if you can't turn to them and ask why they felt it was acceptable to lay a hand on you in anger, without fear of inciting a new row, then the relationship is probably not worth salvaging.

bargainbetty

I'm sorry, but the excuse of provocation does absolutely nothing for me. I have had arguments where the other person has been in the wrong, or verbally offensive or in one case literally stood screaming in my face in public that I was a liar, when I had proved that he had been lying to me. At no point did I, or would I, consider hitting someone.

With the exception of the chap who was asleep and got woken up with a poke in the eye, I believe you can and should control your temper and actions, and the only acceptable reason for raising your hands to another person is self-defence. One man tried to hurt me. He put his hands around my throat and threatened to kill me. He went backwards through the door, with his nuts kicked so hard I think he had to go through puberty again to recover.

I don't have kids, I know that might make a difference to some people, but if a man raises his hands to me in violence, any relationship is over and I will defend myself.

Edit: In my younger days I used to say that any man who hit me would need to kill me with the first punch. If I got up, he'd soon be looking forward to his nice, safe prison cell.

Barneysmom

No, no second chance from me.

adamantine

again from experience here. i forgave my ex. he never actually hit me but threw things at me so he could claim it was an "accident" he even broke my rib with a remote control car when i was 5 months pregnant with ds2. i wouldnt ever forgive anyone who hit me again. never.

Lotus-eater

I agree with peachy, depends alot on the situation.

Saying that, I've never needed to hit a woman and I can't see the situation where I would, maybe if I was falling over, not in charge of myself drunk and for some reason I thought the only thing I could do was to hit someone.... could happen I suppose.