Second Chance?

Callie22

My father was a violent alcoholic who was very abusive towards my mum and to us children. I have always sworn that if any man was ever violent to me, that would be it - no second chances, no giving in - and I still feel that way. If my partner ever hit me there would be no trust left in our relationship and it would have to end.

Having said that, having grown up with dv I can see how difficult it can be to leave an abusive relationship - my mum stayed married to my father for far too long, partly because she didn't have the confidence to leave and partly because a lot of her 'friends' and family didn't support her. There were lots of comments along the lines of 'a man doesn't hit a woman unless she's done something to deserve it' and a lot of people who had never seen anything but the charming side of my father, so couldn't believe what he was capable of. As an adult, I can see now just how much courage it took for my mum to stand up to that, walk away and bring us up alone, and I'm very proud of her.

FagAshLil

My biological father used to hit me hard enough to leave a bruise until my mum left him when I was four.

I don't hit my kids and if a man was ever stupid enough to hit me (while he was awake), he would be binned so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground. Plus I'd get the old Bill on his !!! pronto.

There's just no excuse. I really hope you're ok, OP, and that this thread has given you some perspective.

Be safe.

Mrs_P_Pincher

From my experience I would say 'No'. I made all sorts of excuses for my ex, but basically he hit me once and got away with it, and he kept doing it, and I kept making excuses for him for 10 years. Then I got the courage to leave him.

At the time I was a lawyer specialising in family cases, including domestic violence. Ironic that.

Mrs P P

babymoo

An ex hit me once, only the once mind and that is why he is firmly staying an ex!

LowDown

Thanks everyone for taking the time to answer. You've shown me its not unreasonable to stand firm

I'll be ok

ailuro2

There was an ad campaign a few years aog that said " No man has the right"

I disagree with that...

it should be "No ONE has the right"

A hand lifted in anger is one that should never have been lifted, and it wil most likely happen again.

If it was in extreme circumstances then perhaps kicking the person out and arraging for counsellingmight work.

But, in your own heart you will know whether the person deserves that second chance.

make_me_wise

ailuro2 wrote: »

But, in your own heart you will know whether the person deserves that second chance.

In your head you will never know if it will ever happen again. If you stay with someone who gets away with hitting you once, you change as a person. Without even being aware of it you subtly change how you are around them, what you say to them. Making sure that you dont trigger another attack. That is no way to live.

AmandaD28

Personally I have never really experienced DV.

My mum grew up with a father who believed it was ok to hit all the children every day and then assault his wife when she returned from work my mum grew up in fear of her and her sibling's lives she was the eldest and one day he strung the youngest up to the stairs with his tie and effectively hung him til he went blue he kept him from school for a week so noone saw the marks she urged her mum to leave her dad but she never did and she never revealed the full extent of her abuse until after his death, my mum says she only went to his funeral to be sure he was dead !

My parents never raised a hand to us bringing us up really I think may dad may have tapped our bottoms maybe twice I can remember and he would never assault my mum he adores her.

I believe I was emotionally abused by my ex husband he too used to throw things at me but that was after a long time of him taking away all of my confidence, thankfully he cheated again and left and I put myself back together my new OH has his grumpy days he has many strops but I have never ever felt unsafe with him and if I felt for a minute that I was returning to my previous way of life he'd be gone in a second I just wouldn't risk it again I actually like having some confidence and feeling safe in our home.

The cycle can be broken if you get out in good time.

Good luck OP

xx

SingleSue

peachyprice wrote: »

It would depend on the circumstances.

I would agree with this......my now ex husband is a diabetic and when he had a hypo felt very threatened if there was even just a hint of someone coming to use a glucagon injection on him and thus hit out. So yes, he did hit me the first time I tried it because I made my intention all too clear (unfortunately, his mother had not warned me).

As the years went on I learnt to get him in a leg lock (there is a use for strong dancers legs rather than just dancing) and just find his bum! :rotfl:

He never hit me when not in a hypo (pushed me yes but never all out hit - after insulin change) but it didn't stop him becoming controlling in other ways......something I blame on a change of insulin as up until the change of insulin, he had always been a loving and caring husband and father (he had to change insulin due to the loss of warning signs of an impending hypo - he got his warning signs back but lost his gentle, happy go lucky character at the same time).

A previous relationship to this (when I was 16), was violent on a couple of occasions, the first time I let it go (smacked my head against a wall), the second time (smashed a pint glass over my head) I didn't.

LadyMorticia

I think it's easy for people to say "No, that would be the end" but until you've actually been in that situation, it's hard to know what you would do.

With domestic violence, there's always that "first hit" and alot of women (or men) are so astounded and shocked that they don't know what to do. Then the man (or woman) apologises and says it won't happen again and if it's the first time it's happened, it's easy to believe them, until it becomes the norm and it's almost like your trapped in a domestic violence situation.

I'm not saying it's right, but there can be a few situations where the person isn't in "their right mind" so to speak, such as when a diabetic is having a hypo. They can get really violent and tetchy sometimes but they won't have any recollection of it whatsoever.